Sad But My Truth As I Understand things

Imagine going to a house of God to seek what some kind of spiritual food in hopes to fill the void of your lonliness. Yet, every week or the various times you go you are greeted with the same old painted faces at the door as they go through the ritual. The obligation you feel of having to shake the hand of a man you can't stand because he doesn't care about about nobody but himself or his immediate family or friends. Or a woman who you consider is pretty and would love to bang but you know she is married no doubt unhappily but she puts up with it. Yet you never know thier story because they never take the time to talk with you. Worse than that the age group you fall in is every girl within the church is married and has a bunch of 15yr old kids paddling behind them. You can't have fun with thier kids without being carted off to jail. So, what to do? A single guy middle-aged who has never had a normal life or normal relationships trying to understand his place in the world. The funny thing is I thought the reason of going to a church is to reach out to people who may be equally alone and try to be firends. Yet, its a bunch a BS. True no church is a spawning colony nor a dating service. Some churches do provide singles groups for support. Yet if the church is too small they don't have a large enough audience. Or if it is small you find that eveyone tends to inter-marry within families already established, such as in my community. If I go to a bigger church which I have done once or twice I got lost for it was so big it was like walking in a mall. They have so many that I really feel surrounded and alone. They mill around in the neutral zone in the grand hall where they have lounges a coffeehouse and library etc.
Yet, I never thought from one extreme to another from a small church with the same ol' people who never make you really feel welcomed because you are not one of them. To a big church that you are lucky if you can find one person you might know or perhaps connect with. Insanity at its finest to think one keeps going to the same place every week or every other week doing the same ritual listening to boring stories that may pretain to you that week or may not. Then when its all over you walk out no better than when you came in. You still feel the emptiness the hopelessness the disillusionment that you thought by going to a house of God, they claim without him in your life you are nothing. Yet, I found that if you speak about things that bother you and you invoke your ideas in sunday school and they don't approve of what you say or one who leads the sunday school feels threatened because you may know something he or she doesn't,.they perceive you as some kind of heretic or some fool. I don't know, maybe I have it wrong. I thought at a time when this country is being turned upside down and the world as a whole is going cazy with social-political upheaval the economy is a mess. God is taken out of school and country people crying for love people crying and hurting for human contact people lost, hopeless, sick and tired of living in a bubble. We complain we are alone and we have all these emotional and spiritual problems because nobody is reaching out for each other in thier time of desparation and need. No, its all about "ME ME ME" Then when we can't deal with the pain we do irrational behaviour like attempted suicide (been there, done that several times myself) They want to throw you in a mental institution when you act up thinking there is something wrong with you.(Been there and done that too) Yet when you try to get help the first thing they want to do is feed you drugs to smoothe you over. You find the drugs make you feel worse so you tell them forget it I'll figure it out myself. Yet, still the gnawling feeling of lonliness hopelessness and depression is still the only friends you truly have. They never leave you for someone else. They are the most loyal friends that truly know you. They are the friends we wake up to everyday. We silently ask them "OK, what do you have in store for me today?"As we paint a face on to make like everything is fine to the world outside us throughout the day at least for me when I am out in public arenas like a mall or the local Walmart I look at people as much as they look at me no doubt. I feel awful inside because deep inside I want the courage to go up to someone and say hello and find out what they are all about. I want to love someone and to be loved by someone I want to touch I do not know what it is like anymore. I have not touched a woman and honestly have not been with anyone in 12 years. I am angry with myself angry with the world out there because of my percieved rejection by it. I am jealous of others who I see as couples walking hand in hand. I see their perceved joy of hanging with someone mostly I see kids around 15 to 20 who love to play but deep down inside they are miserable too. Now thanks to technology my latest observation which is so ironic that I recently got an email of pics of kids and adults in groups at a mall or a football game and instead of these people talking directly to each other they are busy texting to someone else, or just browsing on their phone. That is insanity to think we have been reduced to nothing but a text message. I would like to add that a phone or computer cannot love you. Yet here we are selling each other out to online ****, sexting, chatrooms and various things to feed our hunger for love and acceptance.Commercialism keeps pounding away at us to say we are nobody unless you get the latest phone, the fancy car or dress like some pop star who ends up in jail over the same crap they preach in a song of what not to do.  Even EP was clever to realise that so they gave us an opportunity to feed us. I lost a beautiful woman I adore to her fetish that I don't want to go into here. Yet, nothing really matters because people here who may read this will get on my case and give all kinds of suggestions as to what I should do to fill the gap, the emptiness.Yet, they themselves can't get fed properly either. This is why they are here. Its why I am here. I can't and won't expect much from any of this. Because the reality is most people live in so many different areas of this great land of ours. Its hard to find people local within our community to reach out to. The BS with these online dating services is they are all about selling subscriptions not about actually helping people to connect. They can't make people hook up they can only suggest by the lame parameters people place on thier profiles. I have learned that so many women place so many high expectations of thier ideal friend or mate. Totally unreal indeed. They puff up themselves thinking and demanding almost that they want a guy to be a prince and they know we are frogs. You have to kiss alot of them to find your prince. Anyhow, I am straying I think. I tend to do that be cause its a blog and I guess I can write as much as I want here. The guys are just as ludicrous glamourizing they have a six figure income a yacht in the bahamas who knows? Today if they have job at all they should be lucky. If it pays the bills without being foreclosed on they are ahead of the game. What woman wouldn't be happy with that nowadays? Anyhow does saying all this help my sickness? does it add anything greater in my life? Or does it simply release my frustations to write it out and perhaps get some lame kind of feedback. Only to hear "hey brother, I can relate" or "Love to help you out but I don't know which way you came in" We are here as a last ditch effort I guess to figure out what is wrong with us. There is something majorly wrrrrroooonnnnnggggg with us today. I live in a country with over 300,000,000 people who think they want to love one another who want to defend thier freedoms to basically act like a jerk in hopes they may be recognised as a humanbeing wanting love and nurturing that they may have not got at home so they go to the streets to find it. Unfortunately, the streets are unforgiving. The bar scene isn't cutting it either these days. Online dating I'm not sure because I have not paid the price to network yet. Placing a profile is one thing but I have to pay to chat to send messages etc. Only to be rejected because I have nothing on my plate to offer a woman. No job but have income due to disability of being Bi-polar depressive. I already checked that out in EP and found people just want to complain about thier meds. BORING!! I want to know what steps they are taking to overcome thier depression not how many drugs they take. So, the main reason why I am here is I want to understand the sickness of feeling alone and feeling desparate to find a friend who understands and learn how to cope better. I do know there is a balance to everything and sometimes people can find comfort in thier alone time I do that too but usually at a bad time. For example when I am in a stuffy bar of which I never go anymore I felt horribly alone nobody wanted to talk to me because I would complain too much about how uncomfortable I felt. Or the lack of confidence I had in approaching a girl of interest. The last time I made an approach to a woman in a bar she had worse self-esteem than I did. There was no hope to salvage her so I stopped pursuing. I have had a few women in my day but they were pretty messed up and I caught them on a rebound after a divorce so that wasn't going to work either. Long distance relationships don't work been there done that. I was crazy about a girl I met online in China for 4 yrs but she was just waiting for her husband to come back she had no interest in me because I didn't have a big enough bowl of rice to offer her. Now once again I am still partially involved with a married woman with six kids who has no intention of leaving her marriage but wants to keep me in her pocket while she goes off on other trysts to fullfill her desires. After about a year so far of fooling around online with her we come to an impass to find other outlets. She inroduced me to EP and some of the things she is into I do not agree with I tieid it myself but couldn't connect. So I decided to bail and close my old account and opened a new one that she does not know about.. She wont lose any sleep over it. She has her friends and I want mine wherever they may be. Either way nothing means a hill a beans here because I feel what kind of impact could I make? I am a loner by fate not by choice. I think that God in his unqiue ways makes people like that because in the stillness and quietness and not having to listen to other people whining about thier plight helps to see God's point of view. When I see the stars, mountains or a flower or a lake even an insect crawling on the grass I see God because they have no cares of this world. They don't suffer the human condition.
Yes overall our minds our perceptons of this world shape us and we either try to make the best of what we have or cry in our soup. Hence, the old adage 'Laugh and the world laughs with you or at you at times, Cry and you cry alone."
Nephilhim Nephilhim
51-55, M
3 Responses Dec 1, 2012

..yeah looks good but I will have to read it later,
so leave comment so that I can find it again later to read.

I generally find that you get out of an experience the things and the energy that you bring to it. If you go to church thinking you are doomed for failure, you have set up the self fulfilling prophecy. Instead of trying to connect with everyone at once, focus on one at a time. Dont you want someone to focus on you?

What if you are the God you seek? Could you love yourself unconditionally until you felt the way you imagine you would feel if someone loved you?