It's Tough Being Alone

After the end of a horrible, sexually abusive relationship, I started on a path of recovery. Dating, me and my partner had a close knit group of friends; however, at the end of it all, half of the group split up, and either stayed with me or him. They learned what had happened, and those who left me for him stated that whatever happened wasn't abuse or rape and at all, but me freaking out over little tiny things.
The friends that stayed with me became close, and over the next few months I pushed forward with my life. I found a passion--writing--and a way to keep my mental state under control--swimming. I love being athletic. Pushing myself in and out of the pool has given me my self-confidence back, and the energy I need rather than the energy I pretended to have during my relationship.
Eventually, I found myself wanting to try dating again; the physical scars were gone, and any emotional ones were masked for the time being. One of my friends was available, to my understanding, so we went on several dates, and after a while we grew really close, much closer than the friendship was to start with. I would visit her house and bring her Starbucks, flowers, and even just some companionship. I was about to ask her out when her ex, or supposed ex, a kid over in Georgia, messaged me on Facebook and stated they were still together.
She had never told me anything, and all of her relationship statuses were wiped to single. It was mostly my fault for not asking. I asked her, now upset, why she didn't tell me anything. She described herself as confused, lost, and unsure what to do with her life; I didn't see how having two boys waiting on her made her life any clearer. We stopped seeing each other, and eventually she moved to Washington state for school. We still chat, but it's not the same.
After that, I tried multiple times to meet new girls. I was able to get a job on campus as an English and Writing tutor, instructing students with one-on-one appointments; I began to focus hard on my writing, and began to send out stories to magazines and publishers; I swam more, and made sure I was happy with myself, but inside I still craved for the companionship taken from me. I still wanted those evenings at home curled up in bed with the person I love, and it took its toll: one of my close friends rejected me again for the third time, stating she still wasn't ready for a relationship; upon seeing me put up messages and statuses looking for someone, my ex returned, clingy and in need of affection, but I rejected them, not wanting to be abused again; a friend, states away, came close to me before stating her hatred for emotional, "*****" men, ending any positive respect I had for her.
I've spent nights crying in bed, in the shower, and knowing while I will find someone, it's going to take a lot of time and hurt to get there. Therapy helped me in trauma, but it didn't help me with this; I know what needs to be done, how I need to treat this, and things will eventually get better--but God, I am so lonely.
Balloonwolf Balloonwolf
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 2, 2012

I know how you feel. I was in a sexually abusive relationship awhile back and the months that followed were the loneliest most horror filled days of my life. Eventually I found someone else, but when that ended it hurt just as badly. Loneliness is a painful thing but you are not alone. Just hang in there!