Trapped

I just turned 21 and I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago but I've been this way as long as I can remember I have tried medication but being on antidepressants just made me feel numb and wrong inside not to mention gave me frequent heart burn which I never used to get I'm currently in therapy but my therapist just sees that I'm a bigger girl and assumes that all my issues are because of that but I don't have a problem with my weight I like the way I look because I look just like my mum who I think is one of the most beautiful women I know now don't get me wrong I understand that what other people think of me shouldn't matter that most of the people we meet in life will remain strangers and never have any great impact on our lives but for some reason there is like a little voice inside me that constantly tells me that being hated or disliked is the worst thing in the world that everything I say or do is under constant scrutiny by everyone around and that nothing I say or do will ever be good enough to make people like me that no one will ever truly want me around I'm just a burden on everyone around me and because of that I avoid everything even leaving my house my house is the only place I feel I can be my self but I live with my boyfriend and he is always working away and I'm so lonely all the time but the only time I can go out without having panic attacks is when I'm drunk but as I don't work I don't have the money to go out and drink and my boyfriend isn't much of a drinker not to mention alcoholism is not a healthy pastime I feel like I've made myself a fortress so I can feel safe but now I'm trapped inside it with all my terrible thoughts and no hope of escape it doesn't help that my memory seems to be becoming more and more faulty and I don't have a licence so I'm completely reliant on other people to get around I have a boyfriend and parents who love me but I would hate to upset them with all my issues so I keep them to myself and only cry when there is no one around I'm so alone
Darkpixy91 Darkpixy91
18-21, F
Dec 7, 2012