If History Repeats Itself Then Loneliness Is My Destiny.

I'm 22 years old, and well, I don't remember when it all started. My parents were never the type to be engaging parents. They were always "Do as I say" and never gave me the time of day to support me in my times of trouble. When I was 12 I cut myself because how bad I felt. They decided to treat that as a serious problem and were immediately convinced there was something wrong with me. In short, I was diagnosed first with ADHD but that was wrong, and then Bipolar, despite not having any mood swings. The medication they put on me was such a high dose of 3 different kinds that I was at risk for heart disease and diabetes. Every night I had heart palpitations, that is, my heart rate was at its maximum out of nowhere, even at rest. I was terrified, every night for such a long time, terrified that each night was going to be my last.

I ended up dropping out of high school because the side effects were so bad. Lost all contact with everybody I ever knew outside of my family save for one friend. My best friend. I ended up spending years in solitude, unless it was to see my best friend.

Each time I tried to tell my parents that the medication did far more harm than good they simply brushed it off...I was overweight, at risk for potentially life threatening illnesses...and I wasn't even 18. When I reached 18, being a legal adult, decided to stop taking the pills against my parents' wishes. I felt better. After a few months, I lost the weight, was no longer at risk for heart disease or diabetes, and I felt great. However, the time spent on the medication left some damage. I hated my parents. I felt anger that their behavior would have been the death of me. All I wanted was for them to sit and listen instead of judge and criticize, and to be there for me. But they never weren't. My mother always changed the subject and got mad at me for trivial things when I was in need of help...

Then...my dad got cancer. My family came over. And for the first time I got to bond with my Uncle. Me and him spent a lot of time together. He gave me lots of advice, and was there for me much more than either of my parents were...My dad ended up getting successfully treated. But then my Uncle got pancreatic cancer. Terminal. Needless to say he was going to die. The last thing he said to me was something no one has ever said to me...he said "You told me you wanted to be a game designer, and it would make me proud if you became one, because you would have followed your dreams, and that would make me proud."

He died the next day...Then my best friend ended up hating me because he was a Muslim, and when he found out I was Atheist, started judging me, and essentially said all of my problems were my fault. My uncle dead, and best friend gone, I felt a loneliness so deep that I became a Nihilist. I found everything meaningless, even suicide, and thus didn't even bother to have suicidal thoughts.

During that time my dad got cancer again. This time it was fatal...They put him in hospice. I had to watch him turn from an old man to a baby who couldn't even wipe himself...My hatred for him forced me in my room. My mother took this time to call me compassionless because I didn't lie to his face and told him that I loved him, and my brother called me worthless...Then he died...

Months went by, and no one would ever call me, talk to me, make sure I was okay, even when I refused to visit on holidays...I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas and even my birthday alone.

Now that I'm in college, and now that I have friends again and now have a girlfriend, my past gnaws at me like a beast crying to get out of a cage...I fear that - no, terrified and convinced that something will happen, and they will end up abandoning me...It's so bad that I would honestly feel much better if I was truly alone, and not known by anyone...The future being uncertain till it comes leaves my daily life to be agonizing. It seems that although I hate loneliness, it seems to love me...
Alasteirnovae Alasteirnovae
Dec 8, 2012