Verbally Abusive Husband

I am newly married to a verbally abusive man. He controls my behavior with words. I have had to change my entire personality just to keep peace in the place that I live. I do not have the luxury of having a bad day and being able to go home and vent, unwind, and relax. I have to be happy and cheerful at all times. Sometimes I just can't take it anymore, and I "slip" into a normal real-life person, and I pay for it.

I am very lonely because unless you live in this type of situation, you cannot understand how difficult it is. We have been married 3 months. I have no family or friend support, it is all me, and the me that existed before, I can't find her anymore.

Rachel2008 Rachel2008
16 Responses Jul 31, 2008

I'm really sorry for your situation :/ I've got a hint of that from my ex, I felt like I could not vent either, it was mostly all about himself. He was very jealous and I had to be always justifying my attitudes and reassure him I was not talking to other guys. I barely could stay one hour without answering him on chat unless I warned him "hey, I'm busy working, sorry we talk later". I even changed some things in the way I dress to please him, he was amazed by my looks then. One day I standed up for myself and we had a conversation about it - I couldn't handle anymore his attitude. He said he didn't mean to hurt me and suddenly changed, not jealous anymore. But then he walked away and kind of left me. I feel like I gave to much for someone who just walks away like nothing happened... but I'm glad he did, because I doubt he would stop being jealous and an as***** from one day to another - no one changes like that! And you should not expect your husband to change too... You can't change him, get used to the idea, dear :/ And he will only get worse ...

be careful in the day you decide to stand up for yoursel, you mostly will get a violent reaction or he will walk away as punishment. You must do something about it, but be brave.

So very very sorry to hear your pain. I am glad that you have this site to express how you feel and get some feedback that could help you and put you on the path to freedom.<br />
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What I am wondering is that you weren't married 3 months ago and what did you do then? You must have had to take care of yourself and support yourself without him in your life. I HIGHLY recommend that you leave this man and put him far away from you. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He just wants to control you. This is not love.<br />
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I would get him out of your life and reclaim the life of emotional freedom before you knew him. It will only get worse and more than likely, it will turn to physical violence. Once you get your life back again, I would seek a counselor to learn how to pick healthy, normal and stable men so that you never have to suffer in this way again. Dr. Phil and Oprah have some VERY good relationship and self-help free material that will center you and help get you on the right track.<br />
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Good luck to you

I relate to all of your postings. I am 51 years old and cannot deal with this man who is a complete NARCISSIST at best! This is not my first time with abusive spouse but it sure will be my last. Our 6 year old is even tired of him although she does love him but she already sees the issues at hand. I have had back and neck surgery in the last 2 years with fusions and his helping has been about zero with zero empathy as well. He seems to enjoy when I am down and really nails me harder when I am. I sometimes feel like I am going to lose it and cry all the time. I had back fusion 5 months ago and still recovering so getting a job is difficult yet. I am hoping to do it anyway. I have no family here or friends and am 30 miles from my nearest relative and friend whom I confide in. He controls all the monies except my Social security check monthly but he has got me strapped to the wall and my credit cards are maxed as well. I need help and am scared to lose my child if I leave him as I lost my now 11 year old to an abusive partner years ago and the courts gave her to him whom is an alchoholic, abuser, and all the rest. I panic at the thought of going through that again. My present husband of 8 years did use his retirement fund to help me at the time with the court battle which I lost still and he spent around 80 thousand dollars, resigned from his postal job to get the monies out which is the only way he could get all the money, and now he is really abusive and angry that he did it all and now struggle and is mean and cruel to me blaming me for everything that he has sacrificed and gone through. I get the feeling that he did it all to WIN something rather than for the right reasons. And when he lost, he became irate which is how he conducts himself in an intimate relationship anyway. He beat me in a drunken rage when i was 6 weeks pregnant at 44 years old I was, and I almost lost our child. Since then, he threatens to leave me constantly, is neglectful of me and our child, which I rarely leave him alone with her, and we have had no sexual relations since after my daugher was born for almost 6 year now. I can't because of what he did and how he still is. I fear leaving him for many reasons but I fear him being alone with our child for any type of visitations since his care of her is neglectful and he also talks bad about me to her. He sleeps when he needs to be supervising her all the time and that is another reason why I can't work while living with him. She went outside the other day while he fell asleep the other day just while I took 10 minutes to go to the store which is even rare and most of the time I take her everywhere since she has been born since he completely does not do a good job in supervising or caring for her alone. Where do I go and what can i do under these circumstances? Any advice is appeciated. Thank you. Sara

i have been in this situation,with a partner controlling everything with his temper, I managed to change what was happening,by reading a lot of stuff on bullying,and how to deal with it,because that really is what it is,took me 7 years to work out ,went through so much crap,learn about bullying ,what to do what to say etc,also a good domestic violence councellor can help,dont waste your time trying to change him,you can only change how you react,good luck. Also i noticed a lot of my partners friends bully their wives,they dont even realise their doing it,i thing a lot of men are brought up like that. Dont waste you life copping that crap,life is short

Please please leave. Milasmom is so right when she says to get out before a child enters the picture. You can find a nicer man after a while, and give a child a bright happy childhood. But before you do, read up on this type of abusive man, and memorize all the signals they give to tell you that things will be intense in the future. Please go! I know you love him, and it would hurt to think that he didn't love you back, but what if it turns out he hasn't a clue what it means to love someone at all?

Hi! I completely understand what you mean because I have been in an extremely abusive marriage for over 20 years. I have a teenaged daughter. My problem is that this was an arranged marriage as is usual in my culture. There is no divorce in my culture so I am stuck. Although I live in the US of A, I can not get out of this relationship. But you have an option. You don't have to go through this. Life is precious. You are precious. Try getting some counseling. Try talking to him. Try to reason with him. If you get the sense that it is not going to work, then please, please get out of this marriage. Abusive husbands will eventually isolate you from your family and friends. They break your spirit and take away so much from you. You should get out before a child enters into the picture. Remember, You are Precious.

Been there...done that. It totally sucks. I had to completely turn my own life upside down in order to shake myself free of the man who did this same thing to me. But let me tell was worth it! My only regret is that I stayed with him way too long, in hopes that he would change. He didn't. So do yourself a huge favor and get yourself out of there ASAP. And, whatever you do, don't look back. Don't listen to a word he says. He isn't worth another minute of your time. Good luck and God bless you!

I am sorry you are going through this. I have found it helpful to keep a daily journal that you can keep secret from your spouse. In the journal you write down the things that happened. This will help you see the pattern. Verbal abuse is always up and down--you will be verbally abused and then there will be a period of calm and then another period of abuse and then a period of calm. The problem is that you are changing yourself all the time as a result of the abusive periods so that even during your calm periods you are not "you" anymore. Like you might have cut off relationships with friends or family because these are not acceptable to your hubby, so even when your hubby is in a calm moment, you are still being abused because the only reason he is staying calm is because you are following his rules. You definitely should address this as soon as you can, talk to a counselor or a friend that you trust, it will help you get the strength to take the next steps, which is probably separation if he won't immediately go to counseling or something. I have been in an abusive marriage for 12 years and was in denial for so long, I thought I could just endure anything but in the past few months I have finally decided that either things are going to change or I'm out of here in the next few months. So it definitely does NOT get better on its own. You can take pride in little baby steps, take pride in the fact that you are talking about it, take pride in every time you stand up to your hubby. When you are in your next relationship you can take pride in the fact that you learned something from this experience. Just think about what it is about your hubby that attracted you to him--maybe you are the quiet type and he's the social one, you need to be careful in the future to make sure you don't end up with the same type of guy again. Looking back on my own situation, I should have seen the flags ... although the real abuse didn't start until after the honeymoon there were things I should have noticed while we were dating.

I can not tell you what to do but i went through the same thing and he got worse from verbal to hitting me, I walked on egg shells everyday i finally left after 18 years and he broke my spirit and its hard to get back get out now , it will be alot easier

I under stand your situation on a primordial level. I am the product of a verbally (psychologically and emotional) and physically abusive father, who raged on my mother and my three sisters. I attribute this to be the reason why I am perpetually single. <br />
My heart goes out to you, and although I do not know you, I would like to extend any support I could offer you. I work for a local Woman's Center who support women in or coming from physical and abusive relationships. Stay Strong, and please don't be afraid to ask for help.

Like kdow65, I was married to an verbally abusing woman, and so like those who have posted to you, I understand your situation.<br />
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At some point, if you are not able to get better control of the situation, you are going to have to consider if living with his idiot is better than living without him would be.<br />
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Don't wait 17 years for him to make up his mind to leave you. What is often sad is that verbal abuse can turn into physical abuse. <br />
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Regardless, it's emotional abuse and no one... NO ONE should have to experience that, let alone endure it. Just take care of you.

All of these comments have helped me very much. Thank you. One day at a Time.

I was married to a verbally abusive woman for about 7 years. I can't even tell you every thing that went on, there were so many head games I try to block out all the bad words. It's odd to see a man being verbally abusived, this is the first time I have talked about it. <br />
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I know how it feels to not be able to come home and just be yourself! I knew I couldn't express myself to the now Ex wife. She changed who I was but now that I am away I feel better. Just know that you are a great person and don't let them trick you into be leaving what they are saying. You need to "vent", find friends who will listen, keep writing us here and know you can be yourself here. <br />
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All I know is I wanted to get out after I was married for a few mounts but didn't, I keep it all inside and didn't have many friends to talk to. I thought she would change or get better but every time I talked to her about my feelings, things just got worse. Take care of your self first and try to be strong, controlling people like it when your week. <br />
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I know this may not help, but I understand how you are feeling and please keep talking about it and seek outside help if it get worse.

I'm sorry that you have to go through that. It makes me angry to know that someone who seems so sweet has to endure this everyday. I once was in a controling relationship. He had told my little sister that I needed to be diciplined and he would control me. I can't even begin to tell you what I did to him. =]<br />
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It breaks my heart that you can't really get out of this. Have you tried to tell him what a toll it's taking on you?<br />
If he can't see that he is hurting you then you should get help.<br />
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I hope I'm not sounding like I know everything. I hope you find happiness SOMEWHERE.

This is such a heartbreaking thing to hear. Marriage is supposed to be an institution of love and respect. It sounds to me like your hubby neither loves nor respects you! I understand how it feels to be alone in trying to deal with something this big! Just remember we're all here for support, and you can vent here and nobody's going to snap at you! *squeeeeeeze*

I am there!I completly understand. Never can be mad at him either. Although there always mad and voice their anger.if I get mad at him he explodes!<br />
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