the other day my friend found out i self-harm. She had found out at the begging of school year and had not said anything since she had scars deeper than mine.
I still don't know the reason to why she has them it maybe for the reason that she thinks that she is ugly when she has a slender body, black straight hair and the curves where every girl may want but even that does not change her opinion of herself so then when she asked me "why do you do it? your such a sweet girl, your life is so good." and i answered " i don't know i guess i just can't stop" but i should have told her the truth. The truth time to realize reality, the cruel cold heartless reality. The reality that i have tied my heart with so many chains in the bottomless dark pitch of my heart somewhere were no one can find it but just because i just gave up on happiness and those little things that can bring a smile in my face how i have been bullied for the 6 1/2 i have lived in the U.S.A how i just smile and laugh along with them but how sad i really truly am in the inside but don't want to show them anymore weakness they could get me from all that pain they have caused how can really trust anyone anymore, that smile from when i was little that everything was perfect just banished into the cruel reality. How i used to cry in my room alone so no one would know what i was going trough, how i used to fall asleep afterwards i was done wouldn't have ate the hole day. How foolish i was for thinking just because i was in a different grade everything would change things will get a little better at the begging but then it went back to the same that since 4 years ago i have been cutting release some emotional pain, and physical one even though they did not touched me they aimed at the best and weakest spot there was, the only thing that will bring a smile on my face no matter how hard they tried to get rid of it just poof banish it. How when i got to 8th grade i tried to help as many kids i could befriend them but not as piety but because i have gone trough it all those emotional scars they left, those empty pitches that have get to be refilled. How its just getting worst how now i feel more alone than before since my mom and dad divorced and he left our home, my mom is never home always at her "husband"(they are not officially married) and my brother is never home. How the only way i can take my mind out of things by cranking up the music as loud as i can forget about the day, laying down in my sofa with just the music up and Christmas tree on while all the lights off and all the sheds closed. no light in no light out just fall asleep crying once again recalling the question "why am i even still alive, what's worth leaving for?" Then stare at the roof trying to come up with the answers before my eyelids close and i fall in a deep-sleep. I prefer not to wake up from my fantasy to face my harsh reality but i haven't given up physically just yet, but i'm not so sure about emotionally though. I wish it was this easy to tell her this; these harsh words that taste bitter coming out-loud being spoken. How even though i don't want to my heart is looked up defensive how i can never seem to find the right words that hurt so much to admit how i can only write them down trying to release some stress before i go insane , but Since i can't seem to find the right moment, or the right word to express all my pain i'll write it down. This, This is what i wish i could tell her all this pain inside i just want to let go.
Best song ever to describe it all - Sia Breathe Me- ♥
Just want to let go i feel so alone
IamME2012 IamME2012
18-21, F
Dec 12, 2012