Have I Done This To Myself?

So I am your average 26 year old woman - I have a bachelor degree, work in a prestigious job in media, and go to graduate school one night a week. I'm also working on my first novel, and as we speak I am poised to leave Moscow, Russia, for St Petersburg. I live in Australia, but I've been travelling through Eastern Europe on my own for the past 2 weeks, and have a week more to go. I am so, so lonely. Maybe it's natural. But I am so devastatingly lonely, and this is not a new feeling for me. My job has unsociable hours - I get up at 3:45am, and am in bed by 7pm.

I have been feeling like this for so long. It's beginning to get scary. I have a handful of female friends to whom I talk regularly. I talk to my parents more the lonelier I feel (they live 1 1/2 hour flight away from my home in Australia). Today I spoke to them on Skype for over an hour, about unimportant things because I was just desperate to know someone cares. I have someone I've been dating back home, but he's submerged in the opening of a new restaurant, and I haven't heard too much from him. Basically, I feel like my parents are the only people who care about me. I know I chose to travel alone, but if I was at home in Australia, I would be feeling the same way, only I would be watching tv alone on the couch instead of flying around the world. I am so scared I will be like this forever. Is it my fault? Do I do too much? I'm trying to ensure my career keeps moving, that my job is secure, that in the event my job does dissolve, I have a backup in my studies at grad school. I date, and I think I've finally met someone who I can be with - but I won't know for sure until I get home in another 2 weeks. But most nights at home I prepare for bed at 6:30 ... I shower, put on my pyjamas, and curl up in bed. And I want to cry. I am someone who needs their own space and time alone. But something has changed now. And I don't know what to do. Now I'm playing a video through the speakers of my laptop so it isn't so damn silent.

Is this my own fault? What do I do?
misstv misstv
26-30, F
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Sometimes we box ourselves away from others. We can change our lives or let them meander along its dismal way. I hope you find the direction you need to go. Wether its a change in your hours and/or location change to be with the one you love wish you happiness. It is out there. No matter how hard you try to take all the right steps and do all the proper things sometimes things seem to go arwy. We go thru this life one day at a time. Remember to not dwell on the "could have beens" but look toward to "could bes" in your future. You can be happy and I wish it so for you.

I got online just now coz I'm listening to Taylor Swift and feeling glum and...well, I'm not much of a crier but by god I have never felt like I wanna cry, so badly.

Well, I came across your story and its making me think about my own life. I'm studying marine engineering and will be graduating around September, the year after next. After that its off to the sea, with me. If you know anything about merchant navy jobs, you:ll know what a lonely life it is by its very nature. Long months at sea, short breaks on shore. Not a very sociable job. Why I picked it? Dont ask...I dont know myself.

When I started reading your story, I started feeling worse and worse coz my job will be much more restrictive and its not like I:ll be able to...-sigh-

But then I came to the part where you said that you'd be just as lonely in Australia. And I remembered...whether at sea or not, I'll probably always be lonely. My very nature is like that.

Even now, surrounded by hundreds of guys in my dorm, I feel alone. I have very few actual friends...people who know me...and even if I had more...I dont know. I'd probably still be lonely. Its like a constant state of being. Its... :(

I dont even know what to say...sorry. I know I:m not helping much. Just sharing, I guess. My exams are on and I'm working hard at it, but sometimes...things just...catch up.

I feel like going away from everyone and everything. Kinda like what you did :/

But as you said...I'll still be lonely...

So I dont know what to tell you...I can just extend a warm hand and hold yours...as you hold someone else's...and this long chain of us loners trudge through life...

Gah! I sound so dramatic....I hate drama.

Anyway, if you ever wanna talk. About anything, everything, or nothing at all...message me. I'll always reply...and who knows...maybe having one more voice in your life will make it a teeny bit better...I know it will help me...