Is There Hope?

I have been lonely for a very long time.
In high school, I told myself that the kids were immature and I would find true friendship in college.
In college, I told myself that the students were all busy studying and too busy for real friendship so I should be happier in the world of work.

Now I am out of school and looking for work and I am still very lonely. Except now I have more options about where I go and who I hang out with.

I always thought I was a nobody and most people think of me that way. I am the forgotten one, the forgettable one, the wallflower.

I have tried to change that in many ways but it never seems to work. I can't seem to handle rejection so it's hard to meet people I really wanna talk to. And I can sense people's feelings without them saying something so I know when people don't like me.
I wish I liked myself better.
But whenever I start to like myself someone has to remind me how pathetic I am.
I work really hard, but I get nowhere?
Why am I so hard on myself?
Don't I deserve love and happiness just like anybody else in the world?
I think somewhere along the lines I lost myself.
Maybe I never found myself. I guess I don't feel like I have a sense of self anyways. So I don't feel like I really matter. That I could die and no one would care. That I am useless.
It's sad but true. I wish there was a way out of this darkness.
melymay melymay
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Wow. Things will work out. It always does. It might take a long time but it will. This is the light that will lead you through the darkness. Never loose sight of it.
In the darkness, I would willfully find positive, likeable things about self. Humming and singing and laughing and self talk can do wonders to your well being.

I really do hope things get better but ya I agree that it's going to take a really really really long time. Everyday seems the same, I hope I can one day break free. But singing and laughing are great remedies :) Thanks for the help.

Why do you think people hate you? Do you stick around, or do you bolt at the first perceived sign of trouble?

I do tend to run away when I am upset with someone or hurt by them, it's because when I open up to people they tend to shoot me down or stop talking to me and I always think to myself....well if I had just pretended everything was ok and that I am not hurt or upset then we could go on pretending to be friends. I guess now I have a lot of acquiantences but I will always crave and hope for an open and honest relationship....I just don't feel I can be myself around people, because if they know the real me, they won't like me.

I felt and at times still do feel the same way as you do but I'm starting to learn not to care anymore maybe we can learn how to together.

Yes let's learn to not care together. In fact today I started to think things thru, and I really started to ask myself what do I want to do? Not what do other people want me to do...And I thought that was a good start because I usually make decisions based on other people's opinions not my own.