My ******* Life Now

You know whats sh*tty? Having your only good friend ignore you so he can hang with someone else.

You know what's depressing? Knowing theres a holiday dance coming up that yoyr not going to go to.

You know what makes me mad? Having asdholes disprespect me because they think theyre better than me.

You know what lonely is? Being in a room full of people you will never meet.

You know what jealousy is? Seeing people with the friendships and grades you want.

You know whats a burden? Having to fake laughing and smiling just so people dont think your an as$hole.

You know what's pathetic? The only friends i have are my brother, and in my dreams.

You know whats empty inside? Me and my f*cking schedual.

Man, for christmas, i really dont want a girlfriend, a wii u, or new clothes like every one else. I just want someone I can trust will choose me, a good bro, instead of ditching me for someone else. ****. That's all im asking for. Screw the cool console and clothes. I wanna look forward to school, I want to know I won't feel like a loner douchebag in a full room. Someone who you just feel yourself around and can genuinly make you laugh for hours. It's been awhile since i had a friend Like that.
20cincireds12 20cincireds12
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 13, 2012

Good news is u dont look like a douche. U don't sound like one either. Sounds like you want all these things & dont want to be isolated, which is huge dude. I felt like this too for a long time until I said NO MORE! Got to the point that I got sick of hearing myself complain and made myself start to change. It sounds odd I bet but it has started working and I just did it by setting small goals every day. The first one was real small but was the hardest. I decided I'd talk to someone new. Usually that would make me feel sick and hands sweat and all that but I was sick and tired and ready to make the effort to be happy. What I did was just asked this dude what kind of cell he had. He said it was some kind of android but it didnt matter. He answered me and it was in a normal way. In my head he would have just said to shut the *@ up, but the way I asked made it sound like a compliment, so I think he was cool with it? Damn I bet this all sounds crazy. But hey I dont give a **** anymore and Im making myself do something different every day so I dont slip back too far in to my own head! Now I make myself talk to people every day & what I can see clear now is they are getting used to it too. I knew that when this guy said a few weeks ago that I was finally not being anti social. I was shocked dude that people felt like it was me & that was the opposite of what I always told myself! Always thought it was them that chose to isolate me away I guess. looking back though it does make me realize just how distorted I had become all alone in my own head. But damn man it is slowly getting better and if something happens that would've made me depressed I just ignore it and move the f*@# on! So yeah more people are noticing me being around & its like I am finally getting a reward for the hard work! Crazy they have no idea just how hard that can be. Sorry to go on and on but Im newer here and I guess got a lot to get out. My favorite quote is "fake it till you make it" I act like Im cool with **** now even if its weird and its changing things inside and out. We all control what we get in life by what we give, and my biggest problem has been not being in the now. I think that made me look like a punk. Im a good guy and pretty lucky too because I have a great family. I was so bad for abouta year and half though man, that I was treating them like ****. But now instead I talk to them and they are helping me get though. Well my Mom was in a really bad wreck and almost didnt make it about half a year ago and it hit me harder than anything that everything I need is in my own house. I felt like such a jerk and I told her how sorry I was and promised I would change. She is my best friend now & as f'd up as it sounds man, her wreck opened my eyes. Dude, life is short & if ur like me and healthy then kick yourself in the *** and be the change you want to see in other people. (She told me that when she was in the hospital and I unloaded this to her & my family) If u ever need to talk go ahead and hit me up on here. Hope you can beat this or even just decide to start kicking its ***. 1 day at a time dude & dont get worked up. Stay outside your head more and quit telling yourself what everybody around you is thinking because its bullshit and most of all it ain't fair to them dude

Hey, thanks man. I'm sorry about your mom. I hope she's better. When you talk to new people does it feel natural or like a burden? Me, I hate it when i have to fake laughing just so they don't think I'm a jerk. I mean I don't want to be like this, but your definately right, its not them, its us. I know i have to change but it just feels horrible to fake smiling and stuff.,I used to have a lot of buddies. Jonny, Trey, Sebastian, Austin. We were all buddies but last year Jonny and Austin decided to do drugs, I decided I didn't want to do that stuff cause my parents would kick my *** haha. So i moved schools. It's better were I am but friends aren't coming as easy as I thought they would. My "best" friends ( who really arent that great) always ditch me for someone else. And i don't blame them, its just a reminder of how ****** of a job I'm doing making buddies. I can do it, I'm not a loser but I just feel like one. But anyways, I hope that your life is coming around. i think we have a lot in common when it comes to people, most of the time I don't want to have to go through the effort of talking to people. I just feel lazy that day haha.

I guess to answer your question I feel anxious when I talk to new people. I think everyone feels a little unnatural talking to someone new though. It would be unnatural to feel natural I guess! Its all about how you choose to handle it. Like foe example if I start thinking too much and tell myself "theres no way I could go up to that person and talk to him" Then I consciously choose to take it as a challenge I need to conquer! At first it was so much harder but just like anything else it gets easier with practice. I think I got so comfortable with not making the effort (just cuz I was afraid of rejection) that I stopped trying all together. That's EASY! I know it now even tho at the time I'd like tell myself its so hard being this alone! But dude Im telling u its as essy as saying u want to stop the cycle! First off what's to lose, right? If someone does reject you then what? You might feel alone? Ummm thats how u feel already, so who gives a ****! As long as u stay real and dont put on an "act" its good. Just do this once tomorrow no matter how small the question or comment is and sort of break the ice. By the next day do it again with someone else and keep going. It will start to condition u and before u know it people will start talking to u cuz u will seem available. One of the things I tell myself is act like u are going to an awesome restaurant for the first time and u walk up & the lights are out. Would u go in? Dude even if the damn door was unlocked u wouldn't even try to go in because what's the point? Its kind of my own inside joke but it works for me. I just always make it a conscious thing to be "open" now. Like I said tho it wasn't fun starting out doing this but anything worth having is worth fightin for right? Challenge yourself a little at a time. Just do this and let me know how it goes. Haave u ever heard of the law of attraction? If not it just means that like whatever to put out to the world is what u get back because things that are alike attract each other. Its hard to explain but it works. U have to not just say it but DO it because the world doesn't know the difference. That's what I really meant about faking it toll u make it. U have to BE what it is u want so u can attract it back to u. And if u mess up who the hell cares just keep on goin.

It seems like Im goin on forever but I told myself if I get out of this and figure it out I wanna helf other people get out too. I sit next to a couple fellas in a math class & theres a tim when just cuz they were all together & already tight that Id never think I could get in so sure as hell wouldn't try! Btw dude i was the most negative person for real. I mean bad! Now i know what the hell it was i was just like angry about it. But today I had all 3 of them laughing so u tell me if it works. That's huge for me dude & it fuels my fire haaa! It suely didnt happen in one day man so dont get mad if it doent happen fast enough but it will as long as u try. Unleash the beast! Haaa that's my motivation for u dude