Smile Though My Heart Is Aching...

I'll admit it, I hate that I'm still part of this group. That I'm still lonely, with people around me.
I put on a brave smile and I do not show any sadness to anyone but my best friend, who knows part of the things I go through.

This year has give me the ups and downs... It was alright before May 2012, I had a class that I loved to bits, even though I had my demons, I'd let it pass because I had a few good friends at school ewho'd make it just fly away from my mind. But after exams, I found out I failed. That I had to retake my last year again. I knew it would happen, but I was still shocked that I did. I actually thought I did well in the exams.. But apparently not.

It's been a real let down. Parents are a whole lot disappointed because fo it because it's effecting their image. I got all these things in my mind, making me feel a whole lot more insecure about everything I do.

I feel like my brain already gave up on everything, that I already gave up on anything.
I work everyday, wake up at 5:30am and work until I have school, go to school and come back and work again until closing time. We're back home mostly after 12am at night and I go directly to sleep, I don't have time for doing homework or coursework. I'm so behind in everything and I can feel that I'm failing big time.

My two close friends had to retake the year again, as well. They used to be talking to be all the time, making me smile and such, but now rarely they ever look at me. They talk to me as a 3rd person, leave me out of conversations and just talk to themselves. I was so afraid this would happen, because I love one of them more than anything! - not romantically but as a great close friend. They didn't judge me anything in the last 3 years but suddenly they feel embarrassed because I'm rarely at school and the teachers had asked them once or twice of where my whereabouts are.

I don't want our friendship to fade away, but apparently it is... Usually I'd be walking with them everywhere, joining their conversations because they ask me stuff too. But now I have to embarrass myself and follow them like a lost puppy. Usually when we go down to the cantine at school, we go together and wait for the other to be finished, but this time they both went walking like I never was there. I know it isn't big, but still. It hurt to see them walk away without even glancing back.

What did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong?

Everyone's touch disgusts me, I feel like something crawling up me making me shudder. I wash my hands when someone touches me. I feel disgusting, I am disgusting.

Even though I try to hide it, convince myself that there's a better life ahead of me, I can't seem to believe it.
I can't see myself being a better person in the future, I can't see myself with a family.
I don't know what to do. Now more than ever. Accepting being raped, accepting it was my fault it happened, accepting it shouldn't go on like this.

I feel like ending my life would be so much better... Everyone seems to hurt me one way or the other, and I'm selfish for saying it. Either it's words or it's them showing me they hate me. Maybe what they say is all true...
I don't know anymore. I'm back to square one. And I don't think I can move away from it anymore. I know suicide is never the answer, because you're only running away from you're problems. But I don't have more fight in myself, I don't have hope anymore. Either way, I'll just have to wait.

I'm sorry.

Thanks for taking your time to read this big piece of stupid stuff.. But I had to let it out one day.
Soulartgirl Soulartgirl
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 14, 2012

I can't imagine the things you must have been through... we all go through pain, but it varies. It sounds like you have gone through a lot of intense things. Putting the extremes aside for a quick second, we all get hurt by people. We have to accept that and expect being emotionally hurt by others. Now, rape is different. I highly recommend you seek a proffessional! They helped me out a lot during the high school years for me, but what this world needs most of is love.I will continue to give love to others, people that I first meet. Make that first impression, taking the risk knowing that they may reject me, which in turn will cause pain and hurt me. But, I understand that will happen because those people are lost too. Courage and faith that beautiful things are coming all of our ways! We should only have one option: to hang in there, pain ends.<br />
<br />
I hope you are doing well!!!

Hi, thanks for the comment.

I did sek professional help, but all they did was force me do something I didn't want to do. And forcing someone who've been through something, isn't really good. So I stopped looking for professional help.

And Yeah, I've been hanging here, waiting for almost 8 years now... It's only gotten worse and worse..

Thanks again