The Chills

There's deja vu every evening and morning. I'll crawl into bed on these cold winter nights and curl up while I wait for my body heat to warm up the bed and the spaces in between. I close my eyes and imagine that a pretty girl who cares for me is holding tightly onto me and for a few moments, waves of warm euphoria will cascade up and down my body like an electrical current. Goosebumps all over. Like someone flicked on my light switch.

This may last for a few seconds, but when it's over, I immediately feel this deep-blue sense of emptiness and wanting. The mornings are the worst, when I get the brunt of it. Blunt-force trauma to my sense of well-being upon waking in a lukewarm shell. Close my eyes and imagine a phantom embrace to heat myself. Spine-tingly bliss followed by darkness and the coldness.

Seven years since I was last wanted. When I didn't have to imagine anything. It was real and I was alive, damn it! But now, even gazing into the eyes of a beautiful girl hurts my soul. It's as though I know how the night is going to end. Me, curled up in bed, hoping for something real.

Oh, please be real. Talk to me. Tell me anything, but stay for a little while. I don't want to imagine happiness. I just want a little piece of it to carry with me.
LonesomeWanderlust LonesomeWanderlust
26-30, M
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

Your story is beautifully written- so articulate and it's refreshing to read and not just see words, but to feel the passion that lies behind each one.

I know that feeling all too well, and while I have been fortunate to meet someone, that doesn't change what i've experienced in the past. I remember each of those moments- getting so lost and so deep into my imagination and the idea of someone being there felt real until the moment I woke up. I remember never wanting to be alone because I dreaded the thought of being alone with my thoughts.

While I don't know you personally or know your experiences, I know enough to be able to tell that you are a man with much depth and so much heart. You will crawl under the blankets one day to find that the bed has already been warmed by a beautiful lady who doesn't just hear, but listens. Who doesn't just look, but sees and understands and one who doesn't just touch, but loves. A man who is able to put into perfect words the genuine feeling of loneliness deserves to be rewarded with genuine, faithful company that is filled with understanding, compassion and love.

I wish you the best of luck on this great endeavor we call life.

Thank you so very much for those kind words. They warmed my soul a good deal.

I still hold on to, "Maybe one day..."