Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

WOW you truly had a myriad of questions and all of them good ones thing is none person can answer them any better than you yourself. You see you have something in your life I have never had and probably never will you have the unconditional love of someone (your Daughter) your relationship will change if you decide to become your female self how now that is up to you and her to figure out. Life is full of very large gaps where we all question ourselves and we are in the dark no light and nothing to feel around for. What you need to do is if you have the means find yourself a therapist or psychiatrist willing to help you find some of the answers you seek. You daughter is your life line never let her go young ones are the rocks of this world as they are more accepting of changes than stubborn adults. I had that very question of what would happen with my brothers and sisters I suppose I may have lost one of my brothers as he attacked me on FB. I figured let him be don't go there let him feel how he wants as I can't change him only he can change if he feels the need to. My oldest brother I don't know what he thinks as I don't have much contact with him but my sisters haven't yet turned their backs on me. I know my nieces and nephews are willing to accept me it just takes time. My dad wasn't homophobic or at least I don't think he was he really didn't like that his only blood son wanted to be his daughter but I think there toward the end he kinda accepted it. Thing is Life Love and Family have so many different parameters that no one can really say what would happen but you , you have to find the strength to be happy. If being the woman you know you are is your true happiness you will probably fallow that path if you feel it's not really who you are then you'll probably fallow that path. YOU are the only one who can answer any of these questions but the thing is you have to fight to know the real you and you have to fight for your daughter. How would she be if you left her like her mother deserted and thinking nobody loved her enough to stick around.Sorry for the run on sentences and the lack of paragraph breaks but I wrote as it flowed one of my difficulties I guess I just want you to help yourself and your daughter.

Thank you for your words, as for the run of sentences and the lack of paragraph breaks, you wrote a classic 'ruff draft'. Putt all of your thoughts down and do not worry about structure or brakes. The story here was written by the request of my therapist. I am a writer and posting it here was as much therapy as it was for others to read. Many of the questions here we have worked on some still have to be dealt with. My daughter has saved my life in the last few months when I got so depressed I considered ending it. My thoughts were every where and I could not find anything good when my daughter came to the front of my mind and I wondered what would happen to her. It was that very question that pulled me back and the next morning I thanked her for saving me. I know she does not fully understand but she was proud and even told everyone at school about it.

Oh wow I am so glad to hear she is the light in your life I once had that kind of connection to my niece. Now that she is grown up and has a daughter of her own I feel proud to have been such a big part of her life growing up. I hope the time tyu have had with your therapist has helped you answer at least a few of the questions you have had, concerning yourself and your life. I know I'm no professional ear but I have as I said a sympathetic ear and heart for you if you need.