Its Christmas Time Again And I Am Lonely

As Christmas time draws near I start feeling lonely . For the last 3 years I have been feeling this way. When I got remarried I thought those feelings of loneliness that I feel on certain days would go away. Was I ever wrong. My previous wife passed away unexpectedly 3 years ago. I woke up one Saturday morning only to find my wife was not up yet. She had passed during the night. Natural causes was the final report. I remember too well the feelings of emptiness and despair. I was thankful that I had good friends to lean on. I remember my suicide attempt all too well. Somehow I managed to move forward with life. I would go on to remarry. But the memories of my former wife still come back and find their way into my dreams. She was my soul mate and best friend. I thought by remarrying I would be able to put her memory behind me but I was wrong. I sold the house and got a new house and moved an hour away but that didn't help me. My new wife doesn't understand and gets angry at the times when I withdraw. I tried to explain things but it didn't work. On those days I withdraw I just tell her its my fibromyalgia flaring up. I hate to lie but I hate arguing even more. I have many friends to talk to which helps me get by but I also have a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever heal. So as Christmas time draws near I find myself looking at my former wife's photos and her valued possessions. Tears fill my eyes as I think of her smile,her kiss,and her beautiful eyes. If I close my eyes long enough I can hear her laughter and hear the way she would whisper "I love you sweetie"in my ear. I know its not healthy hanging on to these memories but I do.If you have never had someone love you the way she loved me you will never understand the way I feel. She was my soulmate I know I will probably never love another woman like I loved her. Its Christmas time again. The sounds of laughter and joy is in the air. I put on a brave face and fake a smile. But inside I feel broken and incomplete.
truckerman9999 truckerman9999
46-50, M
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

I find myself down in the dumps also. When i was a teen i had a bf i think it was in 1993, he stayed with me for a couple days until he had to leave. like a day or two later i was getting ready for school and my sister came over to my house and told me my bf got murdered and it was in the month of december too. That day i didn't go to school i found myself in bed all day crying. He was stabbed 72 times and it's hard to say the guy who picked him up that day was the one who killed him. It's been years later i find myself still thinking about him and wondering what it would of been like to always have him by my side. He was a very affectionate person and i loved that. Ever since then i havent found another that was as affectionate as him. I'm 33 now never married or had children, i feel i am suppose to walk the earth alone b/c my soulmate has passed. It feels no matter how hard i try to love another, they don't love me back the way i once was. So sorry for your loss.Hang in there.

Thank you for your kind words. May love find you again someday soon. My wife was very affectionate,I feel blessed for the time we had together. I am saddened that we weren't able to grow old and grey together. I made a mistake thinking I could fill the void in my heart with someone else. I am now trying to share my heart with my current wife but it isn't working. There doesn't seem to be enough room in my heart. I know how you feel about not being loved back the way it once was. I am going through the same thing. It really hurts. I am used to love and affection being a two way street. Not so with my current wife. It makes me appreciate my former wife that much more.If you to talk I am here. Good luck sweetie.

Yeah sometimes no one else can fill that void once you have already had that love in your life. It's apart of you and if you can't find a woman that understands you then they are not worthy of having you. It's not like you can go back to her, she is not with you anymore, so i don't see why they can't accept it. It's a wonderful thing when you have it, but when it goes away it's left to ponder in your life forever. It's apart of you and don't let anyone change the way you feel for her.

Thank you. You sound like you understand. I really appreciate that. Not many people understand.