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Ultimate Denial And Absolute Truth

I never thought I would be one to post this story....considering I always believed myself to be alone by choice, but that was a falsified damnation that doomed me into years of denying the truth that I was lonely in my endeavors, lonely in my longing for companionship, lonely in the fact I am alienated to society, lonely to the sheer matter of socialization, that I had no connection with people that others seem to master albeit so easily without much effort like a talent that I never developed. I also believe it is my past of Alopecia Universalis (there is a story on here for that) that caused most of the damage to my psyche and mentality. My disease completely set a bullseye target to all slander, non-acceptance, judgment and rejection, ultimately made me feel more worthless as a person than any manifest of depreciation also couped with the fact I am introverted, so that does not help my situation at all.

I was actually almost too close to converting to homosexuality due to the rejection from women that greatly caused damage to my innocence and my heart, but I have a good heart I knew people better even before I knew anything of empathy and compassion when I was so young. So I understand why people do what they do, its because of their own ego, situations, circumstances and they just don't learn proper manners or judgmental restrictions due to their environments. But my Homosexuality was a lie because when we are rejected like that, we go to the same gender because they don't judge us (in a romantic/infatuation/love) sense and that infuses mixed feelings but deep inside.

 I knew it was wrong because why would I be attracted to males just because women rejected me? Makes no sense and it seemed unnatural and repulsive. It was a lie, a cruel one at that one. My heart knows the truth and that was the fact that I didn't have to walk that path which I didn't for my sake of sanity and purity to resist I repented to God and asked for forgiveness anyway because I acknowledged homosexuality as a possibility in my life and he allowed me to release that pain that nearly caused me to go that far, my soul felt that pain I was denying for so long and then I knew reality for my personal redemption in realizing that's how I was feeling and truth unfolded when I accepted it and chose to do something about it instead of just going with the flow. I shifted the tide and went with the current I knew that was best for me.

I wore a mask all my life and I didn't even realize it. I put people before myself to hide away all of what laid beneath my armor of light and compassion for other people, but deep inside was suffering and suffocating because I didn't allow myself to breathe and be selfish for my own desires. I am a naturally selfless person but that doesn't mean I don't have my own wants or desires, but I give my love, compassion, and respect unconditionally to people because in my heart people deserve it in this life no matter how wrong they treat me, most go through so much dire straits and horrible pasts, that they don't know how to give like I do or express like I do. I know the feeling of emotionally dying, apathy and all malformations but my true self, the confident me deep inside was waiting for me to trust myself again with my heart. I truly put forth my wisdom, compassion and empathy for people not in a vain attempt to raise pride but because I truly care and wish the best for humanity and beyond that of my own comprehension.

On Christmas Day of this year an EP friend noticed something deep inside of me, she messaged me and told me she could feel what I was burying deep inside during this time of year which unnoticingly somehow brought out the part of myself I refused to accept and acknowledge. She could feel my dread, my inner isolation, my deep sadness and absolute depression I bury deep inside my heart and she could feel it even off of EP. That is the power of friendship and empathy at it's maximal, to feel for your friend without words, to just know and feel with your heart.

I...

I...

had trouble...accepting what she saw because it was obvious to her but oblivious to me. But then I realized it, she was right, deep inside my heart I was lonely...not by choice but by circumstance...I am alone by choice because it helps me cope with my loneliness and frees me from reality through absolute obliviousness even where I can willingly ignore my loneliness, two parallel denial stages that balance another out but doesn't heal the issue at hand of lack in sociability and self-expression.

But when I finally awakened to the truth. I cried and sobbed miserably, more than I ever had in my entire life. The floodgates just came rushing out of me and I couldn't control the overflow of tears and radiating this supernatural warmth of release from my body from acknowledging that I was truly lonely, isolated, alienated, abandoned. I believe God was wrapping his arms around me, that's how I'd like to describe the feeling of encompassing heat.

It hurt so much to accept it but if I hadn't then I wouldnt've realized that I wasn't truly alone for my circle friends all jumped in to support me with open arms and just be there. Then soon after my mother came in and noticed my weary face from the tears and sorrow, we talked and she encouraged me that it's not always going to be this way and I always have a choice to be who and what I want to be, and didn't have to go along with what I was feeling just because it was there for so long under layers of denial.

I just have to be more patient and stronger for myself for she raised me right and taught me everything I needed to know about moral values, self-esteem, self-encouragement and so on. That is what snapped me out of my lingering dread and self-pitifully defeatist attitude afterward and helped me understand the difference that. I may be alone by choice to deny my own loneliness but now accepting it for what it is, but I am not lonely for I have people who care. That is the balance, knowing when people care and when they don't.

I can be in a room full of friends and family while still feel lonely but not alone for I know they care about me, that is the key to fully accepting and understanding both differences.

"The truth will set you free." - And in this case, that is definitely the truth so don't be afraid to acknowledge yourself, even your innermost feelings that you find embarrassing or completely asinine due to your pride, trust me it's better than wearing a mask all your life. You may not be able to change what goes on the outside, but you can most definitely change what you want to feel on the inside, nothing is impossible and now I am far more happier than I've ever been in my entire life because of my acknowledgement of God in my life, always watching and protecting me during my time of suffering so that I may become stronger when I cooperate with his guidance and unconditional love, along with the fact that, there is always free-will to choose what you desire the most from your heart.

A final note that I learned recently:

The feeling of loneliness is instilled within all of us for a specific reason. Loneliness is sometimes attributed by a psychological, emotional, physical, social and spiritual imbalance. Nothing this world offers can fill the void. You may think that if you fill your life with so many activities that you don't have time to think about your loneliness, you'll be cured. But busyness misses the message.

It's like trying to heal a toothache by taking your mind off it. Busyness is only a distraction, not a cure. You can keep trying to indulge within this world, you can keep trying to depend on people to distract and reduce the feelings of despair, depression, alienation, unsatisfactory, worthlessness, isolation, sorrow, lethargy, social disassociation, mental calamity, emotional turmoil, and spiritual disequilibrium.

But it will never work because that void in your heart, mind and soul comes from God. And the only one who can fill that black-hole is Jesus Christ who was a healer 2000 years ago and still a healer today, for he is the same as yesterday, today and forever, turn to him and you will find eternal healing and peace as I have obtained. For God/Christ wishes to covenant with you into a relationship because that is why we were created in the first place.

Resources:

  1. http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/jesus-understands-loneliness
  2. http://www.wholeperson-counseling.org/doc/alone.html
  3. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/love_and_sex/the_challenges_of_dating_later_in_life/the_gift_of_loneliness.aspx

 

Lushiro Lushiro 18-21, M 92 Responses Dec 26, 2012

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Aww Lushiro, It's hard to face truths like this, but you've clearly got the strength to do so. What a huge step you've taken! Written a year ago, I wonder how things are now.

Thank you for the kind response! Good to see you btw =) Hope you have a great holiday and Merry Christmas! Yes it's been over a year since I've written my story, and its touched a lot of people, the truth sets us all free even at first makes us miserable! I am glad it could bear some good fruit but after the changes I've undergone this year it seems as though my perspectives and attitudes have changed for the better. And this only strengthens my resolve to help and comfort other people who suffer this same affliction.

Always growing Lushiro! Love your avatar by the way! :) Good to see you too and, Merry Christmas

I felt the same for so long, I became a crass hurting person. Wanting to expose my feelings freely I couldnt. I live much better now without the burden of fearing ppl coming into my life, my heart.

You seem like a deep thinker. Your story was so real, I appreciated reading it.

Thank you for taking your time with it :) I write/shoot from the heart.

I still cling to my apathy. Why did it take me so long to read this? Cheese and rice this was good.

Well, Mr. Lushiro, there's so much logic in your story, so much thinking. that's what happens when you isolate yourself. Though I see you weren't self centered, you think about others. I know you're coming out of your isolation. Maybe you're already out of it. I like seeing how your emotion and your logic intertwines.

I tend to think depressed victims are those who are always swimming in their contemplations...but to be honest I\'m not free from my shell/fortress just yet...I don\'t always depend on emotions and logic, sometimes faith and hope covers all frailties that the human mind cannot fathom.

Ihave prayed and asked Jesus into my heart. I have asked Jesus Christ to fill my soul with his love. But inside I still feel the same. I have always loved Jesus and always known that he died for my sins but shouldn't I feel a revelation insisde of me? I feel very confused. I am afraid that I didn't do it right. Is that possible.I always try to be the kind of Christian he would want but I'm afraid I fall short.

No. It's different for everyone, and at the most all you needed to do is accept Jesus and keep the faith in him, now what you must do is read your bible and build your relationship with him, then continue on with your life and allow God to guide you to where you need to be, he will work with you if you let him. It's okay, we all fall short. If Jesus was a sinner like all of us, he would not be able to save us, make sense? He wouldn't be who he is that is why we depend on his righteousness that cover our iniquities. God will recognize us as his children when we rely on Jesus who is a big part of who we are.

Cookie, no where in the Bible does it say we "ask Jesus into our heart." Salvation was first preached to the Jews, then to the Gentiles (Romans 1:16) Salvation came only after Jesus death and when His Holy Spirit was poured out on the day of Pentecost. (50 days after Jesus died...Please read about this in Acts chapter 1 and 2) This is where Salvation was first preached to the Jews. (Jesus own mother Mary was there among the Jewish believers, who in order to be a "believer" had to believe and obey Acts 2:38. Acts 2:38 is Biblical Salvation. Evidence of the Spirit of Jesus coming on you will be known when you speak in tongues. (Don't worry if that doesn't happen, it will.) It actually took me a long time for God to baptize me with His spirit. God bless Cookie

It's not that its a lie, it means that you were "adapting", or was trying to make alternatives.

but that kind of logic is somewhat stoic, and i agree

I am not sure. There were a lot of elements involved but I do personally believe my psychological half was tempting me beyond my will.

really now, i wonder what was the purpose of referring it as a separate half other than just for the distinction on arguments/ discussions. If someone is really enlightened then there is no reason for "resisting". Half is just one part of the whole, and denial was something you said you deny.

although i have to admit i only read the top part of the page. =P

By half it was referenced to as a metaphor :P

Obviously. Literacy is truth isn't it? Haha

LOL remind you of our chats doesn't it?

I tend to remember what is noteworthy. For a person who hates being indenial, is it right to deny denial?

It's too easy yes. But its better to accept the truth at bare-face. Denial isn't healthy...period.

5 More Responses

If there where more People like you on this world it would be a much nicer place to be!! Most people dont know the worth friendship or love, but i think that they are missing more without knowing it!! They sooner or later will realize it......i always cared about the persons in my life ...you never can do right!! ....its their fears they cant handle, and not your fault.........

Thank you so much for saying that, I agree with everything you just said... :)

I could feel very lonely at times and I am glad you have found yourself

I'm glad too, usually it takes people decades to do just that. But I made some appropriate adjustments to the story. :)

yes, its true. everybody paths are different and some more complicated. I hate time fillers too. the only truew meaning is to reflect on your own soul.

Walk on with love in your heart and you'll never walk alone. For He is always with you!God bless you brother!

God bless you little friend :-)

You as well! ^_^

I do this..

:)

You've learned the first and most important lesson--don't be afraid to communicate.

After reading this I felt a little less alone...
The world needs more people like you. Stay strong:)

:)

Be happy ..

:)

Man, that was seriously awesome, I am in awe, God Bless you!

:)

It gets so much easier as you get older .

Crazy right?

Your never alone Lush,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,bless you

Thank you Bristow. :) I'm beginning to see that everyday, bless you too.

As always Lushiro, your words impart such deep meaning. You're truly a special person. I greatly admire that you can share your heart with such clarity, it is indeed inspiring :}

:D

If you lived closer, we would SO be friends :}

Lol I agree :D

gud 1

That is really interesting,I was pcked on as well by everyone too,and at the time I wanted to just kill everyone,but I had to realize not everyone was bad,there was some good somewhere,Sometimes I just hate being alone,because I feel like im missing out on my life.I think that you are right,we use being alone to be like a sheild to protect us,I am a raven but,I am like a turtle as well hide in his shell,try to just stay safe.

I understand exactly how you feel. If you ever need to talk I am here :)

Loved reading this! Good Luck Bro! :)

:)

YouThat
love is what it does noone can define
The true meaning of what u feel but god said that he would supply youre needs according to its riches in glory by Christ jesus all you have to do is be patient and believe .......rickharris

:)

Hello Lushiro. Sex is the easiest part, getting along with them is the hardest. I had the same issue with my looks, then I got "cleaned up" and they came a runnin'. I never had any doubt about my identity. I believe in any human relationship you're going to have issues and problems gay or straight, it's all part of the human process called life.

Hi Coty. Couldn't be more truthful than that. :) I'm still learning and so far what knowledge I've obtained now is definitely beneficial for my life and to help others get through these rough courses too.

Hang in there bud you are still young. You never know what the future holds. You could just be a late bloomer. A social butterfly. Thank god you didn't go gay.

Thank you. I'm trying lol! It's a tiring battle. LMAO I'm glad I didn't either. I'd really have to off myself, its an abomination to even consider it!

Wow!

:)

Thank you for sharing your story. It made me realize that I'm not lonely. God bless!

No problem :) Yes God is good!

Beautiful brother, embrace the Lords' love for you and share it with this world. Truly one day Christ, at the last trump or even before-hand, Christ Jesus will fill all of the voids that exist in your heart. Let that be your hope, it is definitely mine. May the Lord keep you on this earth and comfort you until then. :-)

:)

AWESOME.

Haha!

Lushiro.........wow.!.....your a pretty incredible young man.......and you are showing such maturity,love and wisdom for your age! ~Someone once said....."Out of the ashes,I am reborn".Doesn't God do that..........out of the broken pieces,he makes something,so beautiful,and unique,like only he can! Thankyou,for challenging me today,and for being real.........keep on being that shining you!

Anytime, glad it can help you! ^_^