Ultimate Denial And Absolute Truth

I never thought I would be one to post this story....considering I always believed myself to be alone by choice, but that was a falsified damnation that doomed me into years of denying the truth that I was lonely in my endeavors, lonely in my longing for companionship, lonely in the fact I am alienated to society, lonely to the sheer matter of socialization, that I had no connection with people that others seem to master albeit so easily without much effort like a talent that I never developed. I also believe it is my past of Alopecia Universalis (there is a story on here for that) that caused most of the damage to my psyche and mentality. My disease completely set a bullseye target to all slander, non-acceptance, judgment and rejection, ultimately made me feel more worthless as a person than any manifest of depreciation also couped with the fact I am introverted, so that does not help my situation at all.

I was actually almost too close to converting to homosexuality due to the rejection from women that greatly caused damage to my innocence and my heart, but I have a good heart I knew people better even before I knew anything of empathy and compassion when I was so young. So I understand why people do what they do, its because of their own ego, situations, circumstances and they just don't learn proper manners or judgmental restrictions due to their environments. But my Homosexuality was a lie because when we are rejected like that, we go to the same gender because they don't judge us (in a romantic/infatuation/love) sense and that infuses mixed feelings but deep inside.

 I KNEW it was wrong because why would I be attracted to males just because women rejected me? Makes no sense and it seemed unnatural and repulsive. It was a lie, a cruel one at that one. My heart knows the truth and that was the fact that I didn't have to walk that path which I didn't for my own sanity and purity or enact on it as the damage exceeded...normal recovery rates. I repented to God and asked forgiveness anyway because I acknowledged homosexuality as a possibility in my life and he allowed me to release that pain that nearly caused me to go that far, my ego felt that pain I was denying for so long and then I knew reality for my personal redemption in realizing that's how I was feeling and truth unfolded when I accepted it and chose to do something about it instead of just going with the flow. I shifted the tide and went the way I knew that was best for me.

I wore a mask all my life and I didn't even realize it. I put people before myself to hide away all of what laid beneath my armor of light and compassion for other people, but deep inside was suffering and suffocating because I didn't allow myself to breathe and be selfish for my own desires. I am a naturally selfless person but that doesn't mean I don't have my own wants or desires, but I give my love, compassion, and respect unconditionally to people because in my heart people deserve it in this life no matter how wrong they treat me, most go through so much dire straits and horrible pasts, that they don't know how to give like I do or express like I do. I know the feeling of emotionally dying, apathy and all malformations but my true self, the confident me deep inside was waiting for me to trust myself again with my heart of purity. I truly put forth my wisdom, compassion and empathy for people not for self-indulgence but because I truly care and wish the best for humanity and beyond that of my own comprehension.

On Christmas Day of this year an EP friend noticed something deep inside of me, she messaged me and told me she could feel what I was burying deep inside during this time of year which unnoticingly somehow brought out the part of myself I refused to accept and acknowledge. She could feel my dread, my inner isolation, my deep sadness and absolute depression I bury deep inside my heart and she could feel it even off of EP. That is the power of friendship and empathy at it's maximal, to feel for your friend without words, to just know and feel with your heart.

I...

I...

had trouble...accepting what she saw because it was obvious to her but oblivious to me. But then I realized it, she was right, deep inside my heart I was lonely...not by choice but by circumstance...I am alone by choice because it helps me cope with my loneliness and frees me from reality through absolute obliviousness even where I can willingly ignore my loneliness, two parallel denial stages that balance another out but doesn't heal the issue at hand of lack in sociality and self-expression.

But when I finally awakened to the truth. I cried and sobbed miserably, more than I ever had in my entire life. The floodgates just came rushing out of me and I couldn't control the overflow of tears and radiating this supernatural warmth of release from my body from acknowledging that I was truly lonely, isolated, alienated, abandoned. I believe God was wrapping his arms around me, that's how I'd like to describe the feeling of encompassing heat.

It hurt so much to accept it but if I hadn't then I wouldnt've realized that I wasn't truly alone for my circle friends all jumped in to support me with open arms and just be there. Then soon after my mother came in and noticed my weary face from the tears and sorrow, we talked and she encouraged me that it's not always going to be this way and I always have a choice to be who and what I want to be, and didn't have to go along with what I was feeling just because it was there for so long under layers of denial.

I just have to be more patient and stronger for myself for she raised me right and taught me everything I needed to know about moral values, self-esteem, self-encouragement and so on. That is what snapped me out of my lingering dread and self-pitifully defeatist attitude afterward and helped me understand the difference that. I may be alone by choice to deny my own loneliness but now accepting it for what it is, but I am not lonely for I have people who care. That is the balance, knowing when people care and when they don't.

I can be in a room full of family and still feel alone but not lonely for I know they care about me, that is the key to fully accepting and understanding both differences.

"The truth will set you free." - And in this case, that is definitely the truth so don't be afraid to acknowledge yourself, even your innermost feelings that you find embarrassing or completely asinine due to your ego's pride, trust me it's better than wearing a mask all your life. You may not be able to change how you feel on the outside, but you can most definitely change what you want to feel on the inside, nothing is impossible and now I am far more happier than I've ever been in my entire life because of my acknowledgement of God in my life, always watching and protecting me during my time of suffering so that I may become stronger when I cooperate with his guidance and unconditional love, along with the fact that, there is always free-will to choose what you desire the most from your heart.