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Ultimate Denial And Absolute Truth

I never thought I would be one to post this story....considering I always believed myself to be alone by choice, but that was a falsified damnation that doomed me into years of denying the truth that I was lonely in my endeavors, lonely in my longing for companionship, lonely in the fact I am alienated to society, lonely to the sheer matter of socialization, that I had no connection with people that others seem to master albeit so easily without much effort like a talent that I never developed. I also believe it is my past of Alopecia Universalis (there is a story on here for that) that caused most of the damage to my psyche and mentality. My disease completely set a bullseye target to all slander, non-acceptance, judgment and rejection, ultimately made me feel more worthless as a person than any manifest of depreciation also couped with the fact I am introverted, so that does not help my situation at all.

I was actually almost too close to converting to homosexuality due to the rejection from women that greatly caused damage to my innocence and my heart, but I have a good heart I knew people better even before I knew anything of empathy and compassion when I was so young. So I understand why people do what they do, its because of their own ego, situations, circumstances and they just don't learn proper manners or judgmental restrictions due to their environments. But my Homosexuality was a lie because when we are rejected like that, we go to the same gender because they don't judge us (in a romantic/infatuation/love) sense and that infuses mixed feelings but deep inside.

 I knew it was wrong because why would I be attracted to males just because women rejected me? Makes no sense and it seemed unnatural and repulsive. It was a lie, a cruel one at that one. My heart knows the truth and that was the fact that I didn't have to walk that path which I didn't for my sake of sanity and purity to resist I repented to God and asked for forgiveness anyway because I acknowledged homosexuality as a possibility in my life and he allowed me to release that pain that nearly caused me to go that far, my soul felt that pain I was denying for so long and then I knew reality for my personal redemption in realizing that's how I was feeling and truth unfolded when I accepted it and chose to do something about it instead of just going with the flow. I shifted the tide and went with the current I knew that was best for me.

I wore a mask all my life and I didn't even realize it. I put people before myself to hide away all of what laid beneath my armor of light and compassion for other people, but deep inside was suffering and suffocating because I didn't allow myself to breathe and be selfish for my own desires. I am a naturally selfless person but that doesn't mean I don't have my own wants or desires, but I give my love, compassion, and respect unconditionally to people because in my heart people deserve it in this life no matter how wrong they treat me, most go through so much dire straits and horrible pasts, that they don't know how to give like I do or express like I do. I know the feeling of emotionally dying, apathy and all malformations but my true self, the confident me deep inside was waiting for me to trust myself again with my heart. I truly put forth my wisdom, compassion and empathy for people not in a vain attempt to raise pride but because I truly care and wish the best for humanity and beyond that of my own comprehension.

On Christmas Day of this year an EP friend noticed something deep inside of me, she messaged me and told me she could feel what I was burying deep inside during this time of year which unnoticingly somehow brought out the part of myself I refused to accept and acknowledge. She could feel my dread, my inner isolation, my deep sadness and absolute depression I bury deep inside my heart and she could feel it even off of EP. That is the power of friendship and empathy at it's maximal, to feel for your friend without words, to just know and feel with your heart.

I...

I...

had trouble...accepting what she saw because it was obvious to her but oblivious to me. But then I realized it, she was right, deep inside my heart I was lonely...not by choice but by circumstance...I am alone by choice because it helps me cope with my loneliness and frees me from reality through absolute obliviousness even where I can willingly ignore my loneliness, two parallel denial stages that balance another out but doesn't heal the issue at hand of lack in sociability and self-expression.

But when I finally awakened to the truth. I cried and sobbed miserably, more than I ever had in my entire life. The floodgates just came rushing out of me and I couldn't control the overflow of tears and radiating this supernatural warmth of release from my body from acknowledging that I was truly lonely, isolated, alienated, abandoned. I believe God was wrapping his arms around me, that's how I'd like to describe the feeling of encompassing heat.

It hurt so much to accept it but if I hadn't then I wouldnt've realized that I wasn't truly alone for my circle friends all jumped in to support me with open arms and just be there. Then soon after my mother came in and noticed my weary face from the tears and sorrow, we talked and she encouraged me that it's not always going to be this way and I always have a choice to be who and what I want to be, and didn't have to go along with what I was feeling just because it was there for so long under layers of denial.

I just have to be more patient and stronger for myself for she raised me right and taught me everything I needed to know about moral values, self-esteem, self-encouragement and so on. That is what snapped me out of my lingering dread and self-pitifully defeatist attitude afterward and helped me understand the difference that. I may be alone by choice to deny my own loneliness but now accepting it for what it is, but I am not lonely for I have people who care. That is the balance, knowing when people care and when they don't.

I can be in a room full of friends and family while still feel lonely but not alone for I know they care about me, that is the key to fully accepting and understanding both differences.

"The truth will set you free." - And in this case, that is definitely the truth so don't be afraid to acknowledge yourself, even your innermost feelings that you find embarrassing or completely asinine due to your pride, trust me it's better than wearing a mask all your life. You may not be able to change what goes on the outside, but you can most definitely change what you want to feel on the inside, nothing is impossible and now I am far more happier than I've ever been in my entire life because of my acknowledgement of God in my life, always watching and protecting me during my time of suffering so that I may become stronger when I cooperate with his guidance and unconditional love, along with the fact that, there is always free-will to choose what you desire the most from your heart.

A final note that I learned recently:

The feeling of loneliness is instilled within all of us for a specific reason. Loneliness is sometimes attributed by a psychological, emotional, physical, social and spiritual imbalance. Nothing this world offers can fill the void. You may think that if you fill your life with so many activities that you don't have time to think about your loneliness, you'll be cured. But busyness misses the message.

It's like trying to heal a toothache by taking your mind off it. Busyness is only a distraction, not a cure. You can keep trying to indulge within this world, you can keep trying to depend on people to distract and reduce the feelings of despair, depression, alienation, unsatisfactory, worthlessness, isolation, sorrow, lethargy, social disassociation, mental calamity, emotional turmoil, and spiritual disequilibrium.

But it will never work because that void in your heart, mind and soul comes from God. And the only one who can fill that black-hole is Jesus Christ who was a healer 2000 years ago and still a healer today, for he is the same as yesterday, today and forever, turn to him and you will find eternal healing and peace as I have obtained. For God/Christ wishes to covenant with you into a relationship because that is why we were created in the first place.

Resources:

  1. http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/jesus-understands-loneliness
  2. http://www.wholeperson-counseling.org/doc/alone.html
  3. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/love_and_sex/the_challenges_of_dating_later_in_life/the_gift_of_loneliness.aspx

 

Lushiro Lushiro 22-25, M 87 Responses Dec 26, 2012

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Thank you for sharing! :)

Anytime :)

Thank you lushiro :)

Welcome :D

You've been one my "highlights" of EP since I've started participating last year, you always seem to me, to be a deep and thoughful person...We need more Lush's in the world...peace, dude...jb....((hugs!))...

Aww Jack... (hugs)

You're showing your age as 18-21. May I suggest, "lighten up"! Find some videos of Ken Davis, a Christian comedian!

Oh bless you Lush, this was quite sad reading this, you are who you are sunshine and no one can take that away from you in anyway, your a special person no matter of what your sexuality is............. my belief is that God loves all his children.

Your not alone

Bless you Bristow, thank you for this. :)

A small child once asked: why do "old" people think of the past, when all us kids think of is the future? I believe there is a lesson for us all, there. God's richest blessings to you :)

lol

To many of us older folks, thinking of the past gives us comfort. As we age we know what the future will bring and hope our life was a blessing to others. Trusting in the words of our LORD we have a new hope. Young people think of the future because they have hope that it will be a good and prosperous future. It is up to the old folks to see that this happens.

This hit home for me in many ways, I, myself became callused and kept people at arms length, I cannot be thankful enough for finding my souls counterpart. This reminds me of the elastic band analogy, the more tension applied, the further it goes. :) thanks

You're welcome :)

I hear alot of me in that.Very well put indeed.

:)

Thank you, Lushiro. *sigh*

So welcome....*hugs*

Thanks for sharing, Lushiro. I often feel lonely when my social life seems to be on hold. Often I'm alone and not mind, however I still need a social life. To visit a friend for a few hours helps chase the loneliness away for a while. I tend to isolate myself on my bad days.
So you're not the only one.
I'd like to be your friend too if you'll let me.

Thank you for commenting and that's fine It's not as bad anymore prior when I last posted this story.

sounds like what i've been through and talked with god about , all of it

Lol ikr

like it

:)

love u

<3

I am so happy for you ....:) to deal with this now....instead like most of us who have denied it and continued to live only half alive......!!

thats amazing..i wish also face all these emptiness too. rather thatn denying and running from them..
ur story is inspiring..:)

:)

I am proud of you my friend. You have a beautiful heart and soul. I love you Lushiro. You are one of the people on EP that makes this site worth my time.

Aww thank you...that goes both ways as always. :)

i want to see myself again in anormal mood! happy, and enjoying life! iwant someone to stand with me please!

Then stand with me.

Ah-ha! So it is true.... You are the 2nd coming! I read in your feature refreshing declarations of inner truth that often are kept hidden by the soul and buried deep within. Thanks for sharing.

You are welcome. :) God's truth is our truth.

Thanks for posting such an honest story. I've seen through your posts how selfless and caring you truly are. This world could use more poeple like you. I'm happy that you have acknowledged what it is that you must work on. That is the first step. I wish you much success. Hugs. :-)

:)

Thank you Lushiro

Powerful. And honest. You have to change to grow...sounds like you are on your way. Best wishes

You bet :D Everyone can do it if I can do it!

I can relate to your story. Thank you for sharing.

Welcome!

I also as a young man, felt this separation from others and was considered not of the real world. When we look around, hear the news, Who wants to be of the real world? Jesus gives us the chance to enter the true real world. Thank-You for your post, it is a inspiration to all. GOD BLESS.

You are most welcome. :)

I have lived that life, altough not needing, wanting or participating in homosexuality as I was sexualy abused as a child. With me it's not my ego, I am not egotistic. It's fear, fear of being not being excepted for who and what I am, as I have been rejected so many, many times. I have trusted those I truely thought were friends, only to be betrayed. ridiculed behind my back by pathetic ringleaders turning others against me, just because I am diifferent, because I fight my own battles on my own and they can't. I always seem to be on the outside looking in, not by choice but because that is what always seems to be forced upon me. I did not recieve love from my family as a child ever, or encouragement, I was very much the boy in the corner and have lived there most of my life. For me I have excepted that as my life. You my friend are still young, you have your life ahead of you. Don't be like me, don't give up.

This has made me sad my friend and my eyes are tearing up. I'm so sorry to read this. You always have me if you need anybody to talk to.

This is sad...so sorry for your agony. You and I have suffered the exact same pain but I have moved on from my past officially after my epiphany on Christmas Day, it was a breather, and you can do the same, just accept you for who you are, it's not hard, just see the truth in what you want to be and who you really are on the inside. Accept what your ego is hiding because it fears pain and it fears what you are potentially and spiritually. You are special just the way God made you just like he made me, we're no different, we are just people. Others judge because of a lack of understanding and respect, it's not their fault because they didn't grow up to know better, our world is filled with all kinds of lies that I see through now. You don't have to live in misery or denial, no one does, my story proved that. Let me help you make the steps to freedom and show you my light that you can always see again from the mask of darkness, nothing is impossible, follow my light. I know you can see it and want to step in too. :)

Thanks Eye, I know you're there if I need, and I thank you for that. :)

I also know that you're there Lush, I thank you for that also. :)

:)

:)

(hugs) :)

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A friend from work lent me a book that has really helped me. It's called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. All we truly have is NOW. To allow the past (an illusion) to continually affect our present is insane.

I agree can I quote this? "To allow the past (an illusion) to continually affect our present is insane." I love this!

Of course you can! And you should really consider reading that book.

I'm reading a version of it online o.o thank God for you and your reference :D

Another thing you'll learn is that the future, also, is an allusion that can effect your present just as adversely as the past. "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself"

Another great quote, thank you! ^_^

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Good man, well done, you should feel proud of yourself for coming to this realisation and making the effort to tackle it face on.

You are a true man.

Amen. :)

When I was done reading this reading this it's safe to say that I was crying very hard. May God bless you and continue to give you strength and keep believing, because as his children we have his support :)...Thank You

Sorry for the tears. :(

It's ok, the reason I was crying because it touched me and I understood them, nothing to be sorry for x)

in fairness. everyone is lonely, but not all of us can see it. kudos to you for admitting it. the best thing to help is to join a website like this where you are anonymous and can meet people who understand. it won't cure you, but it helps

I agree.

You said it, faith and believe in God, the teaching of the bible.
You are a pure person, you were never alone as God almighty is with you

:)

You are mature beyond your years and yet you are, by default, still a young man. All our experiences make us what we are eventually. Take them, toy with them, learn from them. Think of your life as a book. You have only touched on the preface so far, there will be many more chapters in you and some will be more exciting than others to be part of.
You sound like you have a sensible mum. I have at times sat with my own children and told them that it will not always be like this. They had faith in what I told them, had trust in my wisdom and they pulled through. Best wishes for the future, Lushiro, you may feel at times that you are failing but your inner strength is shining through for us all to see :O)

:)

YOU HAVE DONE NICE THING DUDE.

man, i can feel your words. really touching and an eye-opener for many including myself. i also began to alienate myself from the social word, as i realized many people out in the world are not who you make them out to be, sometimes for the better, or even the worst. From your story i can tell you've met many people who are not as compassionate toward others. i hope from now on that you continue to meet the right people. EP will always be here when you need it :) dont be afraid to speak.

Loneliness crawls like night taking away from a beautiful sunny lovely day,where there is hope there is always a way,all you need to do is to come out and reach for it,most of beautiful ladies they never experienced to be loved,most of them pre fare a rich un loving. Husband just as a a saying goes' behind a successful man there is a woman'because of his success there is a beautiful woman following him behind,most of all a woman is a flower she needs to be watered every now and then,because she will soon forget that you love her,loving a woman is more like catching a fish inside water with your bare hands,for she can slips any time while you are shore that you are holding her tight,(in each woman's heart there is a desire of best things in life to invest their beauty in,because most of them they don't have true love,their beauty is their transport to wonderland,sometimes we tend to love those who do not love us even close,more,sometimes I always think it would be better if we were created to have a glass that we can check a love meter on everyone that loves us

A love metter? You should invent one i think!!!

This was very beautiful, thanks for sharing.

So touching.like a heart beat..

Beautiful :)

:)

I read these stories on here and they bring some colsolation to me. Not because I enjoy seeing pain but because I know that there are people out there living there lives in a similar state as I, and push through the adversity. I do not feel as alone when I read this.

That is amazing...

Your words from your heart and your soul touched me, Lushiro. I love you. You can admit what few can. You are a rare young man in this universe. I am honoured to have you as my friend. kissessssssssssssssssssssss............xooxxo

This sounds so much like me, but wouldn't be able to say it.
Two failed marraiges, no freinds. Introvert is an understatement.
I was never like this until maybe 12 years ago.
My kids keep me going now - without them I wouldn't be here.
They way i feel even with them, soon I won't be here, it gets harder everyday

Keep strong...least you have people who care. Strive for them.

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. Don't be afraid, if someone doesn't accept you for who you are that there's always someone better. I myself get caught up thinking if she's the one who will be the one interested in me. Keep faith that there is someone for you..

Thank you. I'll do my best.

This post right here seems to have grabbed data of several years from my own brain. Thank you for sharing this. I have come to accept the way I am and how I feel most of the time. I understand those lonely moments you go through. It's something I tend to not only hide but it is something I attach myself with. It's hard to explain to people but I'm guessing from reading your post, you're likely to understand. Thanks.

That is true.

That was beautiful thanks for sharing!

Welcome.

You don't have to be alone. You are not mentally alone here and I know you will find others in reality that love you for the awesome person you are.

....Thank you Jatpack...that...was very kind of you..

Great story, sincerly, sounds like you've had an epithany, I'm pleased for you and a little jealous.

Jealous...why?

Been a long time since I've had an epiphany, that sudden moment of clarity, it is often a wonderful feeling of release and understanding. Last time I had one was realising I was in love, proper love, the real thing, the "damn, you're the one I'm going to die married to and now I have to stop having girlfriends.. and I don't care" kind of love... was very intense :)

Wow...o.o like mental fireworks huh?

Not with me, it was more a very sharp and clear mental clarity.. like a door opening in my head. Wonderful feeling.. had them far more when I was younger, less so now I'm getting older. I'm not a religious person (you know this) but if I had to put it in words it is how I imagine someone feels when their faith in their god is vindicated or renewed.

God is a more spiritual experience than ethically religiously based. :) So no need to turn to religion its all about the enlightenment of the spirit but yes through God I gain many epiphanies like in November I had five or more in a span of a week just so I could activate my spiritual awakening and also be aware of God. o.o

Nice :D

:P

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I'm sorry your lonely :(

Life suck and it blows...no need to be sorry.

Lifes what you make it. I've started to improve myself and I feel so much better now I hope you make your life what you want :)

I am a part of a 'club'. I am an introvert so I don't like being around people all the time. But then I would become so distant from people months would pass by and my aloneness by choice would turn into the loneliness as what you are talking about. When I joined the particular 'club' I saw once a week for no more than a couple hours at a time the same people who had similar interests as me. This slowly created intimate bonds of friendship. People say it's harder to make friends as adults than as children. I disagree. As an adult I have found and continue to develop lasting friendships since I had joined the 'club.' The place you join, if you do decide to do this, should not be anywhere, but should be like an orginization you can volunteer at where you really believe in what you are doing. Don't join anything you don't really truly believe in otherwise the feeling of lonliness will overwhelm you. I hope this helps. This has been my experience.

I'll consider it, thanks for sharing. :o)

Thanks for considering it. :)

I think there should be more asexual role models in schools. They started acknowledging homosexuality and have made efforts to add role models for them but there are still people who choose neither sex. I was one of them. I wasn't content with society being so shallow and materialistic and decided early on that love (as the world knows it today) was not for me. I took my vows at 17 and went forth into life as a monk. People don't have to play the hetero/homosexual game if they don't want to. There is a third choice you know? Im glad you were honest with yourself, its inspiring. I wish more people could do the same.

Innocence is the key to your honesty, never lose it. :)

You are wise beyond your years, Lushiro. One day you will have to remove your mask and allow others to see the real and amazing you. Please learn to be more kinder and gentler to yourself. As gentle as you are to others, people will be the same to you. hugs***

Thank you. :) *hugs*

Loneliness can be heartbreaking. Especially during Christmas time.

Yes...it was a bad time for me....

Since Christmas eve....it has just been horrendous to say the least.

(hugs)

We all go through moments of painful loneliness. You need to experience a real relationship, see how much you like or dislike that person's difference. By the way, it's the same whether it's someone of the same gender or not, we are all different and we are judging each other, anyway.

I see...wise words.

Lushy you are a very special person and much loved. I can relate to parts of this. I'll admit I've been here to read this a few times and ponder what to say but sometimes I find that there just aren't any words that seem to fit to explain how much support and love I have for you as a friend or to offer the right comfort. Know though, that there are people out here, maybe who don't know what to say, that care for you and are always willing the best for you. X

I agree. Btw I updated the top part...might as well come completely clean.

*huge huggssss* You are awesome xoxox

<3 xoxoxo

I understood and sympathized until I read this: ".I am alone by choice because it helps me cope with my loneliness," That just completely threw me off-balance. There's something completely different going on alright....are you saying you isolate because that way you can fall so deep you can't even tell what lonely is like from others? If so.....I feel deeply sorry for you.....I hoped nobody would ever feel that lonely.

I know very well what it is to be surrounded by people and feel alone, the long nights of nothing, the constant apathy when reminded about " tomorrow ". But this story....it's different and hard to understand. You've got me both curious and sad. But I wanted to thank you for sharing this.

Oh and....
Truth is always absolute....there is no half truth, that's when you should have split up the question into little parts and identify each component as true or false. Half truths are lack of vision and analysis.

Yes that first statement is correct. An ingenious system of obliviousness. It was the only way to cope with my situation...thanks for the commentary, cheers.

I don't often hate being right.....
I hope never to understand how that feels.
I've been pretty far but not that far

Basically I embraced apathy and egotism to it's maximal.

That helped, thank you!

:) Cheers!

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Hey, the truth will always set us free, some people have got soo much to learn from such a young man.................. remember though your never alone while your on EP, you have some wonderful friends around here.

Your a great Guy

Hugs

Thank you Bristow :)

I tell myself that i find peace in solitude. Enough that maybe I do... Shyness is my disease. It has caused me to build my own set of armor. But not of other poeple, no, my armor is made of stolen personalities. An arsenal of different traits and reactions to use at my own will. A hard outter shell that protected me. I realized that my disease was holding me back, so I broke through wall it had created and allowed myself to be devowered but the eyes of others. But i forgot about my suit of armor. I had smashed it to pieces while trying to break through the wall, and now i have no personality to call my own. I was a canvas plauged with plagerism and now i am a blank canvas with not enough time or energy to do anything about it. Without my armor as my shell i am soft and plyable. Like a chameleon, who i am morphs to fit the people i am around, no longer do i steal thier traits. I simply mold myself to them. Poeple acuse me of being fake. Im not. Im just trying my best to refrain from going back behind my wall, and rebuilding my suit of armor.

That is the difference between our ego and innocence.

yeah, i guess it is

:)

^_^

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Sometimes loneliness helps us to connect with our self, the Real Me. So if you are feeling lonely then you should consider this as an opportunity for rediscovering yourself.

I am.

:) I love you baby.

PM big news

who says you can not learn from someone younger!

:)

if everyone could do that they would be happier i think....kudos dude.

I agree. :)

Written nicely..

Thank you. :)