I Am Lonely Too!

I am a 34 year old female and I am very lonely too, which of course there are probably very many lonely people out there, I am just needing to get my feelings out tonight because I have been so lonely for so long. I was married the first time when I was 18 years old and it ended very badly months later. For one thing, I was way too young to even consider getting married, I should have kept on living life as I knew it with really no worries. But, I made that mistake and did get married. He was a very hateful and mean person, starting the night we got married. His attitude changed that fast. Before he treated me very well, and now the night we were married he was smashing my head into a brick wall. Anyway, needless to say that marriage did not last very long at all. So then I waited until I was 21 before I even dated anyone else. I had a boyfriend then for a short time. Then we broke up and he moved to another place and three months later I found out I was pregnant. Not only just pregnant, but pregnant and alone. That was a very lonely time in my life going through the whole pregnancy and the birth of my little boys alone. I had beautiful identical twin boys. At that point I didn't feel as alone anymore because I had them with me. A couple years later I met my second husband, and he was there for me for a long time. In the end he did not want the responsibility of raising another man's children so he left me and the boys. After that just a few months later I found out that I had cancer and had to have surgery to get rid of it. My little boys dad had not had nothing to do with them, and the last time he saw them he said he never wanted to see them or me again. That was when they were three months old, when I had my cancer they were 7 years old. I was in pretty bad shape with my sickness, so a friend of mine offered to help me with my little boys. She went behind my back and found their dad's phone number and called him and told him what I was going through and that she had been keeping them for me because at this point I wasn't able to do it for a while. He decided to take me to court for custody of them, and the judge gave my babies to him, a father who hadn't laid eyes on his children since they were 3 months old. I was Alone again and oh so lonely that it almost killed me. I got better from my cancer, but my heartache is still weighing very heavily on me because he has had them for 4 years now and they are used to being with him, and I don't want them to be tossed between us like that. I don't want to harm them in any way and I feel like a custody battle over them would hurt them. I have been completely alone for the last 4 years and again it feels like it is killing me. It feels like the loneliness is eating me from the inside out. It makes me feel like I don't want to or can't make it through another day of not having anyone that I can share my life and feelings of sadness or happiness or whatever they may be for that day. It makes me wonder with everything I have been through if maybe it might have been better if the cancer did take me out then maybe I wouldn't feel all of the pain I feel on the inside each and everyday. I hope and pray that the rest of my life isn't going to be like this. I don't want to feel this way everyday until my time on earth is done. I don't want to be lonely like this, but I don't see that I myself have much of a choice in the matter. It would be nice to wake up and know that today isn't going to be that bad and if it is, I have someone I can talk things out with. But I really am not seeing that in my future anytime soon. I just really wish that my life could be so much more different than it is, and maybe hopefully one day I will have that, just hoping it wouldn't take so long for it to happen for me. I am not even really saying a romantic relationship really, I just want someone I can connect with ( romantic or just a good friendship with someone I can trust that won't hurt or leave me...), that I can share my thoughts and life with...
Sadgurl33 Sadgurl33
31-35, F
4 Responses Dec 26, 2012

I am so sorry especially that you had cancer. You are still young so it must have been a real blow for you after everything else you had to suffer with. I am happy to hear you are better though. I hope you will continue to be in good health from here. Men can really mess up a previously happy life. I know. I have been there. I wasn't married but I have been abused by two partners in the past. I trust very few people now myself to be honest ..you have children so never ever wish you were dead. you need to be alive for them and for yourself life is precious no matter how cr*p it may seem right now. Sometimes I wanna give up, I really do, I have so many issues right now i can barely think straight. If you need a chat, feel free I am on here a lot of nights apart from usually Saturday!

Thank you very much!

Thank you, that means alot to know someone out there cares!

I am sorry to hear that your life has been so hard and you do not have anyone to share your love and troubles with. I wish there was a way I could help, just being a friend and being able to hold you and let you know you are not alone in this world. Take care..