I Have Trouble With People

The problem is obviously not people, the problem is me. When I am alone I really like myself. I am graceful, beautiful, strong, and confident. I am everything I ever wanted to be. But everything changes when there are people around. I become shy and awkward, always worried that the next thing I say will be the wrong thing. I sit silently while the others enjoy conversation, wishing I had something to say. When I am with just one person, I struggle to avoid that silence that I find so sweet when I am alone; but so awkward when I'm not. This is the thing I hate the most about myself. If only I felt like myself when I was with people. I'm so afraid that they will find out who I really am, and won't like it. I'm so afraid that people will hate me that I hide myself from them, and it seems that in doing so, I end up hating myself even more. I want to connect with people so badly, and it really makes me sick that I have all of these walls between them and I. It hurts to be so close to them, yet so far. I feel more lonely with people than when I'm by myself, and I hate it.
I need help to overcome this. I don't want to be alone anymore, I'm tired of being always afraid, always disappointed in myself for my cowardice. I need help to learn how to be comfortable with who I really am with people.
NeonBlueMidnight NeonBlueMidnight
26-30, M
3 Responses Dec 26, 2012

I know this feeling all too well and I go to school, work, and I still feel all this.

Been there, man. Being alone sucks on a whole 'nother level when you're also surrounded by people.

I feel similar but maybe not as extreme as you. I got a saturday job and it helped me feel more accepted and staved off some loneliness. Maybe you should send out some applications too x

No offence, but that's like starting up a smoking habit so I can be friends with some smokers. I think I would rather die than get a job and be a slave for money again.