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I'd Appreciate Your Advice...

Hello!
I am 18 years old girl ,new here ,who is currently facing some emotional problems..I'd be glad if you could read and give me an advice!No stupid comments please! Since I was about 4 or 5 years old I've been living with my grandparents because my parents had some financial problems back then..I was also sexual abused when I was little.. Time passed and I grew up with them,even though I've been visiting my parents in the weekends or holidays during this time,I've always been sensitive in my relationship with them..sometimes I talk to my mom,but spending time with my dad had always been a problem...Even now most of the time when I try spending time with him (and the other members of the family) we end up arguing or eventually fighting so..I kinda stopped trying.. Anyway..one of my problems right now is that I noticed I am constantly searching for a father figure..and this is really affecting my situation at school (male teachers) and also in an eventual sexual relationship..I am always looking for older,mature boys.. My question now..how could I stop this?Searching for a father figure ?Because obviously is too late to find one..even more in a school teacher or boyfriends. Have any of you experienced something alike? I've got one more year and then I'll be moving outside my country..but I really want to get rid of this problem,right now it feels like it haunts me.. Thanks in advance for your help...
PS:Sorry for any grammar mistakes..english is not my first language.
I don't know if I posted this in the right category..

Ellenn Ellenn 18-21, F 10 Responses Dec 27, 2012

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Looking for a father figure is not bad. But think back to when you try to talk to your dad. You said you always argue? What starts the fighting? Who is the first to raise their voice? What does he want that you don't agree with or vice versa?

Hey Ellen,I'm Ellen too ^^
I don't think looking for a father-figure is all bad,all girls think that their dads are heroes somehow. Just not crossing the line,i dont think it is bad. As long as the guy is not somebody you should not be together with(teachers and lecturers are not supposed to date students),and think with your rational mind he is good for you,it's not a problem. I don't think you might really looking for a father figure but in fact more like me,where I'm more attracted to the guys who are manly and more mature,be it they are good looking or not. We are of similar age,I'm still not capable of giving good advice so please don't find me acting smart telling you my opinions ^^, good luck with your adventures ahead

I think part of your mind wish for a daddy -older guy relationship . It may be subconsciousness need of security . It may be healthy or otherwise , it depends on the guy you get involved .
Healthy if he is going to challenge you , even let you go . Unhealthy if he gets to attached to you , due to your being younger.

Its okay to look for that type, but please remember you have your whole life in front of you. Before you make a long term choice thing hard and thing what things might be like 10 or 20 years from now. You will still be young and he will be old. Have some fun right now, but maybe don't make a permanent choice until later.

Relax and enjoy a man that want to look after you even if he is much older as long as it's your choice. I'd try to avoid your teachers though as it would be inappropriate. If you want to talk more message me.

Thank you for giving me your advises ..I really appreciate each of them!
I am glad you made me think twice...I thought men,in general, don't like being the ''father figure''...but maybe there are some out there.Hope I'll meet one of 'em one day if I don't get rid of this..Anyway thanks again everyone!

I was in a relationship with someone 15 yrs younger. She was not submissive or anything but I do think she was looking for a father figure at times. It was sometimes annoying but, looking back, we went so well together.

Hey all of us without the traditional upbringing that we see on TV find ourselves chasing something like you describe to some extent. I just lost another relationship because of my inability to take a leap. My advice? Get help sooner rather than later, try talking about it to someone. Asking for help is a sign of strength, you know.

Searching for a father figure in your relationships is completely normal. Most, if not all women tend to gravitate toward either someone that reminds them of their father (if they have a good relationship with him) or towards their idea of an ideal father. This is most likely due to the fact that the qualities that make a good father are also the main qualities that make a good partner.

How is your relationship with your grandfather? That'd be where I'd start.

Your English is remarkable. So far, you excel past many for whom English IS their primary language. A bit of practice (like writing on EP, for example) and you'll be correcting everyone else's English.

Part of what developing experience in relationships is about is healing from the wounds of the past. You may be drawn to older men because of your background, but that doesn't necessarily mean it isn't healthy as long as you find the right man to be with.

That will be difficult, though. Maybe you will, maybe you won't.

I have to admit that it's difficult for me to be objective about this - most men would love to play the role you describe, at least for awhile, and I'm no exception. It speaks to something primal in the male psyche.

One thing you might find useful in working through your feelings is reading accounts of young women who've experienced the kinds of relationships you seem attracted to. There are plenty of fictional versions of this scenario, and in this case, fiction is as good as fact for exploring the emotions involved - possibly better.

Here's a short list: (I'll avoid stuff like Nabokov because it might be too triggering)
"My Old Man" by Amy Sohn (http://amzn.to/V8zwIi)
"Taming the Beast" by Emily Maguire (http://amzn.to/YRkzjp)
"Web of Innocence" by Jan Holt (http://amzn.to/WKLOrT)

Also, these psychology/psychiatry textbooks,
"Female Perversions" by Louise J. Kaplan (http://amzn.to/WKMbCB) has invaluable insights into the origins of female sexual fixations. Don't take the title amiss, the word "perversions" is used in a clinical sense, which is different from the general understanding of the term.

"Jennifer Fever: Why Older Men Pursue Younger Women" by Barbara Gordon (http://amzn.to/WKMIEH)deconstructs the psychology of men who are drawn to younger women. While I'd dispute some of her conclusions, the book contains a lot of food for constructive thought that might help you.

That's a good start. Don't worry, there won't be a quiz unless you want one.

I'm so glad we're friends. This was awesome.