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Lost & Devistated

A month ago,after 16 years of marriage, my wife filed for divorce and moved in with another man she's been seeing. This is her 3rd affair in the last 5 years. My devotion and love I had for her kept taking her back. Unfortunately we have a 19 month old baby stuck in this web. I see my daughter 50% of the time, but my 'wife' won't communicate with me. I have no friends in this town and all family is hours away. I need comfort and support,but over the phone just doesn't cover it. Tired of dropping to my knees in tears daily. Want to try to get her out of my heart and mind. But hard after 16 years. I need to think of her negative doings to get through this, but it's a tug of war on the heart strings. I'm a prisoner trapped in my empty house and echoes. I need help to break free. I pray for all going through a divorce,separation. People say it gets better in time...I just want my life back. Take care of yourselves everyone.
16yearsgone 16yearsgone 41-45, M 32 Responses Dec 29, 2012

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Hi it's a new year, new you, walk with a smile head held high & remember not to become an option, but a "Priority" you are your own future & wipe the old slate & chalk clean. Keep positive best wishes.

I was divorced about 4 years ago, but the pain lasted a long time. It will take some getting used to having things different now you are separated. I understand you may be hurt from all the years you committed, but they are not GONE. Use the knowledge gained from your years of experiences to do better next time. Now I never said it would be easy. I had to have a few different sexual encounters with different women to help ease things a bit, then I got tired of the games they play and found a good woman.............however, I still keep an alert eye open.

I am sorry you are going through that awful situation. I myself have just been left (two days ago) by someone whom I thought was "the love of my life" for me...I can understand dropping to your knees in tears. I've done just this for two days straight now...I am not happy to hear of your heartbreak but it gives me some solace to know that I am not alone, I am not the only whom heartbreak happens to...I hope all the best turns out for you. I read that time heals. I so hope this is so...

Hi I'm Stuart have been through similar experience you are, please feel free to contact me for support. I am a year into my seperation & a month into ivorce, it has got better with time take care.

hi thanks for your reply. I am on day 3 now of this debacle and i feel like I'm becoming bipolar. I feel ok one minute and crumble the next. Am I crazy? .... I'm so very sorry to hear about your divorce. I myself am divorced, 7.5 yrs ago, all of which I spent in 2 very bad relationships :( .... as far as going thru a divorce, I suppose you could say it gets "better". Eventually you get back into your routine and begin the process of moving on. Don't do what I did immediately after separating...Date. Give yourself time. That was mistake #1 for me after separating/divorcing. I was not ready. I should have taken the time to heal and understand myself better. I hope all the best for you. It does get easier, and clearer over time. :)

I'm sorry for your loss. It will get better with time and some counseling would be good too. I wish I could afford to go to counseling to help me move past the pain and grief of my divorce 3 years ago. I still have so much bitterness and regret and pain. I don't think I will ever trust another man. Every time I do I am betrayed and used and taken advantage of. I don't know why!!!

But I know I have the love of my family and my kids (they are grown). They are the focus and your child will always be a person to love and hold on to like a spouse never can!

sad story i feel for u im 44 four kids grown up but never married ive been threw heartbreak not just once and now i can see i let them walk over me ive loved men they loved me but they still hurt think about u being important now you can love again in the future there someone waiting for you out there if in 5yrs you will be ready maybe a little bit wary good luck.

Its not a very happy story the way you put it. I guess you should focus on yourself and grow emotionally. All these feelings are appropriate when your like 16 and don’t know about life. Has we grow, we need to be more practical and self protector.
And have something on your mind, women love strong, independent and determined men.

I can't even imagine beginning to deal with this sort of thing, but I want to tell you that you seem like an a-class guy. You're much better off in the long run. You are entering a new and wonderful and terrifying part of your life. Embrace it. Do something you have always wanted to. Watch the sunrise. Go for a walk. Don't be afraid to leave those old ghosts behind. Memories are both bitter and sweet, but it's time for you to turn the page.

I went through something similar, and got divorced after 10 years together. It's HARD, and miserable, and gut-wrenching...but it does get better. Some of it is staying as busy as you can, some of it is forcing yourself to get dressed and go somewhere, even it's to the store. Whatever your journey is, I wish you luck. I'm here if you need it.

I have to say, I've only been on this site for less than two days. I'm amazed at the feedback of support. Thank you all. You've made a huge positive impact on the way I look at my situation and future now. I actually feel a sign of relief. I thank each and every one of you. Now being new to this site, and only have access through my cell phone, I see other going ons on here. Please bare with me as I learn it all and see what is offered. I plan to get back to you all soon, and read about your situations. Thanks again.

I am sorry for your situation at the moment. I don't have any encouraging words at the moment. However, you are defiantly in my thoughts. I hope one day you will find the woman of your dreams that will not cause heartache and pain.

I know it's hard to imagine that life will get better for you but it will. I have to keep tellling this to myself as well. My husband who I loved for so long just took advantage of me. Keep yourself motivated at least you have the little one to think of.

Hey man. I think you may be entering into a new, better, phase of your life. Given as she's put you through multiple affairs in the past, I think you're much better-off finding someone else who will respect you and who will not treat you like an emotional or psychological tackling dummy. Also, I must say that I have little respect for any man who cheats with another man's wife: there's an old saying that, if they do it with you, they'll do it to you - and this other fellow may learn that old axiom the hard way.

Very well said !

You will go through every conceiveable emotion & its no good me saying you won't, but remember to not dwell as I have lost months on that, easier said than done I understand, but while I was dwelling I buried myself in self pity woe is me syndrome, i believe (not religious) that 1 door closes another opens.It was not meant to be like my situation. Nearly a year on & songs still remind me, couples remind me, except that will be the norm at the moment, but decide what to keep & what to throw away in your head plays a massive part. Also believe in karma cause it will happen to her, I'm not a revengeful person but it will happen & although I didn't like it I was strong enough to say what goes around comes back around, the grass always seem greener, but remember like me you were an option not a priority & now I choose to be a priority not a option. take care & always here stu

Thanks a lot Stu. I'm in that stage where every song on the radio haunts me. I'm not even watching tv due to seeing all the happy couples on New Years Eve. I have my daughter on new years eve...I know, how convenient for her. And I too am a big believer in karma. I'm waiting for the day she comes knocking on my door expexcting me to just give in again...NOT gonna happen. And true, I was an option to her.

I hear you it's a long road but its yours, I wouldn't take mine back she emotionally withdrew & trust would be to much of an issue for me, might be great for 1st couple months but I fear it would raise it's ugly head. If it wasn't for my kid's & honest enough to say EP I would be? Kids as you know have a funny way of finding out stuff. My ex's new partner is comfortable financially & bought my kid's stuff I could never afford, well not without credit card, but my son now 15 can see for himself what's real, yours Will too, I'm sure you surround your children in unconditional love & to be honest that's all they need.hard when you feel emotionally drained, you will find strength & an amazing self will when you come out the other side, treat yourself kindly, people & family said to me I had to love myself? I found that hard after being devoted & giving all to 3 others, but after a few months I realised what they meant, I'd given my all & I had nothing for myself I was in a right state.if you hear or see anything that reminds you change it simple as that change it

Its a strange feeling spending years of life with someone you think you know, only to realize we hardly knew them at all, I'm texting you from east coast of UK & I thought I was alone in this but it happens & is happening right throught world. I can't promise anything except that if you keep your mind strong keep & away from the WHY ME questions you will be ok, like you I never made friends in the marriage just her & my family, I realise now that was wrong I should have had some friends, but I like you worshiped ground she walked on forgetting myself. Now I find it strange that her friends wont even talk look or acknowledge me, well that's their choice, through guilt I expect & the lies been fed. I can only change what's here & now & future. I refuse to chase what's already gone & I have been told to be more selfish, it's been hard & continues to be so but it's also getting easier. It will for you too, I also use to look at whole 17 years as a waste, but when I look in my kids eyes sure they remind me of ex I'm suddenly reminded that if I had to do it all again knowing outcome with kids i would.

Hi I'm stu been through similar experience, 9 months on I'm divorced after 17 years & 2 kid's a boy 15 & girl 9. Have had times of loneliness & desperation, but am here for you if you need chat or anything, important to keep busy, keep family close although mine like you lived miles away. You will get through this, its you're road & yours alone only you can do it, keep strong, for me the soul heals but the mind is the problem, take it easy nothing too demanding & you'll be fine.

Some people can't be faithful. It's a fault and they can't seem to fix it. I'm sorry you went through this. I'm sorry you little girl is going through this. I hope that 2013 will bring better things for you and you baby.

First let me say that I am sorry you are going through all this. I am sure that it is hard. Second, time will help, but you do have to go out there and start living your new life now. Third, did you ever ask her why she felt she had to cheat? Please don't get me wrong and think I am justifying what she did, but I am curious to know why she felt she had to. Fourth, if she won't speak to you then that is her problem not yours. She needs to wisen up and remember that you are that little girl's father and will always be in your child's life and you will have to communicate with each other about her. Finally, don't be hard on yourself! If you did everything you could in your power to save the marriage and it still failed, then it was most certainly not your fault. Don't beat yourself up by rehatching everything. All this will accomplish make you so depressed you will not enjoy life. Give yourself an opportunity to live it! Good luck and if you need someone to just listen I am here.

Whenever I ask her why she had to cheat, she just looks at me and says "I don't know". I've never given her any reason to have to go look elsewhere. It all started after surgery. And I know of 5 other people personally that went through that same procedure, and they too left their spouse within a couple years afterwards. So who knows. I know I did nothibg wrong. She always had her own insecurities because of her weight in the past. She would start with accusations, and all I did was work and be at home or with her. I did do all I could save our marriage. I was even going to marriage counseling, she only went with me twice. As a matter of fact, the last session I went to, she said she didn't want to go...I got home and she was gone. I've been feeling a little better after seeing all this feedback on this site. I was looking for local support groups,and came across this. I'm glad I checked it out. I feel that...no..I KNOW that I'm a good man and person. She made me second guess myself. I am me,and I plan to continue being ME....only better as I go.

Good for you!!! I'm glad you're feeling better! I'm sure you're a good person and you didn't deserve this.

You mentioned that she had insecurities because of her weight. I'm a big woman and have been for most of my adult life. I have never let my weight make me feel any less of a woman or a person. In fact, I am pretty confident in who I am. I Amy not be a 10 or beautiful by societies standards, but I know I'm pretty much a good and loving person who looks past the physical aspects of a person and sees whats on their heart. That's what matters most to me. If she cheated then it was her way of trying to make hesekf feel like she's desirable to other men even in spite of her weight. She certainly went about it all wrong. I know that I have, in the past, cheated but for different reasons. I'm no saint, and neither is my children's father, but we're not bad people either.
I wish you more good days than bad and that you keep going forward and enjoy the new things that life has to offer you.

Sorry misspelled some words

I misspell words too. I have no computer..(she took those too). I'm using my phone which is very time consuming :) Hard to respond to so many on this.

I hear you on that. I use my cellphone for everything ...lol

She was over 300 pounds when I asked her to marry me. I loved her for HER. I've been faithful in all my relationships. I'm not looking for praise, it's just something I never wanted to do. Some day, I'll get back out there.

Sorry if I offended you in any way. I'm not trying to flatter you in any way shape or form, just speaking my mind on what I've read. Glad you loved her when she was big. Some men don't like big women, but some do. Guess it's all on what they like.

Well it can't be said you didn't try. You did the best you could.

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Hey there, I am not sure what can be said to make you feel better. I am in a similar situation and what people have said here for you really is supportive. I wish I had found this site earlier as I have the same feelings. One thing is you can only control the things in your control and not others. It is sad and tragic what has happened to you and she will have to answer for her actions. So having said that you need to think of yourself and your daughter. She should be your focus now and your life. Make plans to get out of this Ground hog day scenario and think of what you can do for your daughter as she is going to need your support. Set some goals for yourself and live life keeping busy so you do not fall into the darkness.
Good Luck and I wish you the best.

I know I am young and don't understand love but I do know a little bit about affairs/cheating . I know you are have a rough time rightnow . Don't put your self down if haunt enough for her then she's not the one . That's her loss not yours. So go on and enjoy life!!!! I hope this helps

I am sorry to hear it but I hope you will begin to allow yourself time each day to see your fresh possibilities. Remember when God slams a door shut He almost always blows out a window...Get out and do some things that you enjoy. I am 2 years past my 22 year marriage and things do go on. You can do this.

Whenever I ask her why she had to cheat, she just looks at me and says "I don't know".
I've never given her any reason to have to go look elsewhere. It all started after surgery. And I know of 5 other people personally that went through that same procedure, and they too left their spouse within a couple years afterwards. So who knows. I know I did nothibg wrong. She always had her own insecurities because of her weight in the past. She would start with accusations, and all I did was work and be at home or with her. I did do all I could save our marriage. I was even going to marriage counseling, she only went with me twice. As a matter of fact, the last session I went to, she said she didn't want to go...I got home and she was gone. I've been feeling a little better after seeing all this feedback on this site. I was looking for local support groups,and came across this. I'm glad I checked it out. I feel that...no..I KNOW that I'm a good man and person. She made me second guess myself. I am me,and I plan to continue being ME....only better as I go.

Being you sounds like the best plan. After 22 years I decided that being me was all I could do as well

This is so unfortunate, it's always great men like you that have these things done to you. : (
Stay strong.

First thng is..you dont "want your life back", cause it sucked, you just refuse to admit it did, best you do. She cheated on you 5 times??? comeon, buck up, you should have thrown her *** out after the second. Second and most important thing after you've stood up tall, stop the movie in your head, its not real, you play it over and over, and you cant sleep because of it, and that just makes everything worse....stop the movie you are playing, otherwise it will go on for months and months. How? get out, join even meaningless groups and go out the door, a bowling league, a hiking group whatever doesnt matter... again suck it up and make yourself go out, meet the people there; talk, yes believe it or not there will even be other women there, meet them. Third Forget her (who cares if she talks with you, she screwed you 5 times!!) concentrate on your children. Sit down and think about what you want the unfortunately limited time you are going to have with them to be.

last, always remember that things get better, even when it seems impossible it happens, you only go around once my friend dont waste any of your time or the time you have with your kids hanging around in the miserable past...stand up and walk forward...you'll do fine

GREAT ANSWER---he has been a victim that he knows of 5 times-lord knows how many others. Have his old life back-no ******* way. Step out there and do the things that you always wanted to do and she said no or your were too embarrassed to mention. You have just gotten your FREEDOM for once in over 16 years. It takes getting used to but it will be better than ever if you don't cry in your beer.

I know exactly what you are going through.... My heart aches hearing how you feel as I have been there too. The legal stuff sucks and all the friends went with my X as they were all from his work. I feel completely isolated too. I'm sorry for your hurt and pain -- it takes a long time to find peace.... I'm here if you want to talk

Sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Better to know now, versus investing 50 years with a person to find out that they are not truly Invested in you, nor the relationship.
Because you are shy and you don't hAv any friends; perhaps you should take some classes, which are a good way to meet people and make friends. You said you use to paint, take some art classes. Other class ideas would be cooking, poetry, computer, history or swimming. Either of these you will find men and woman you can chat with and eventually say to one or two, "hey would you lik to stop for coffee after class before you go home"?
The class gives you a new interest (something to learn), new people to meet and get to know and most of all, because you are out of the house your mind has a chance to have other thoughts and nt be consumed with your current problems.
The best way to get over someone is with someone new, that will appreciate the love you hAv to give. She is out there, waiting for you to wipe your nose, dry your eyes and you will eventually see her. Do take your time. Love yourself first, so the love will reflect back to you. Good luck. Shay

I am sorry for your pain. I went through the pain and devastation of divorce as well. It is true, it will get better with time. But I understand that it is of little solace to you right now when you're hurting. I think reaching out to others is a good use of your time right now. You will never get your "life as you knew it before" back, but the new life you build for yourself and your daughter will be so much better than the one you had with your ex. It doesn't sound like your ex was really "there" in the marriage if she was repeatedly seeking outside attention. Trust that there will be a better life in store for you in time. Keep doing the best you can for your daughter - she needs you!

I grew up not knowing my father. My parents divorced when I was very young and I'm still wondering how it would have been like to have a dad. I hope your child will at least know how it would feel like.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you. I really am. I know what it's like to be alone. If I were you, I'd pack my bags, and fly off somewhere. Take your mind off what is happening around you. Give yourself the chance to recuperate.

time does heal young man most likely you married someone way younger than you which is a no no never works in most cases same with young women marrying older men its a no no don't let your ego get in the way thats all it is right now your ego is hurt move beyond that do not seek revenge read self help books practice EFT can find on the internet do brain yoga ,meditation deep breathing exercises do something for yourself there are so many things out there to help yourself you just need to seek it out you say you have a young child think of his well being try to get sole custody she does not sound like a good woman to take care of a child moving does not change things you still have the same thoughts have graditude for what you have your health, your child, work dont get down on yourself it was nothing you did or didnt do think of your child and be the best role model you can to him and others be somebody step up to the plate and dont feel sorry for yourself to long. if you seek professional help all they will want to do is put you on meds please dont take that route seek alternative ways Homeopathy, Bach FlowersRemedies all are on the internet and they work . volunteer there is always someone. Hope this helps been there done that , no one is worth the hearache and drama women and men are a dime a dozen. and dont jump into another relationship you need time to heal Love peace and happines to all

Hello 16yearsgone,

From a younger perspective, maybe it's irrelevant.

But here it's never too late to live the life that counts. And would you rather find this out later. The sooner you can stop putting energy into her, you can start putting energy into someone that will return to you.

Like all things, it gets better in time. If you can move to a new place, I recommend it, it helps the healing process to be in a physically different environment.

I hope she will open the channel of communication, so you guys can co-parent together.

And not everyone on the online dating is looking for temporary stuff. Be open to it and be honest with people.

Hope this helps, much luck on this new chapter of your life. Change is hard, but how you react to it defined what kind of person you are.

Thanks. A new BETTER chapter would be nice...I have a few chapters I'd like to just rip out all together. Hard to say if id even keep some of rhe good memories as footnotes. But this harsh repetition of her unfaithfulness, take away all the good times. That strong hurt is just too much to overlook.

She's leaving you after 16 years? Dude, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't just be sad I'd be seething. That's a lot of time you invested in that relationship. She should've figured out that she wanted to leave BEFORE she jumped into that first affair. Sorry to say, but you are better off without someone that disrespects you like that. I know the heart wants what it wants and it doesn't always make sense, but logic is going to have to trump feelings on this one. I feel bad for you, but I'm definitely not laughing.

I'm sure by now,several may be wondering why I have no friends. I'm a pretty shy guy til ya know me. Then I love to make people laugh. Crazy as it may sound, I find it hard to make friends with guys. They usually talk cars,sports and women. And I don't know a thing about any of those three categories :) I never really cared to sit through a ballgame, not to crafty under the hood of a car neither...and women...well. Alright, I can talk to women without a problem, (always innocently of course)but stopped many years ago for the sake of my 'wife' who was insecure of herself. My 'wife' always told me on many occasions that she noticed I don't look at other women..like,ever. I just look at her and smile and kiss her hand. I didn't feel the need to. I was devoted.
I can hear lot of you laughing out there now, but that's just how I am. Call it old fashion or whatever. I put her on a pedestal. But I feel, that way of treating women went outta style..and that's a shame. Today,I still stand as a woman walks in the room.

But back to friends, since I never had much in common, conversations ran dry fast. I don't hunt, I haven't fished in 10 years. I just like hiking or sitting by the water, write poetry, but haven't painted in years. Do I take up sports? Take mechanic courses? I have a lot of friends back in my home town that tell me to come back, but there's nothing in that small town. Not a whole lot in the U.P. anymore.
Ok ok...I'm babbling.

I am sorry for your loss, it is a loss. When someone walks out you are left with a hole the size of Texas in you heart. At least you have found a place to talk about your feelings and can find the support you are looking for. I am in a similar boat and can relate.

Thank you. I'm surprise at how many people are in the same situation and looking at the posting dates,they are so recent. Sad to see so many broken hearts in one place...knowing that what we see here is not even a fraction of what's out there. I wish you the best luck and hope you have some close support. Amazing how important that is. I'm sure that makes a huge difference.