50 And Alone, Again

Having taken a year off of dating to try and find myself, I'm suffering from a broken life. Loosing my will to live. I go day by day and feel I'm just thriving. I just don't have the energy or motivation to change. I've had several disappointing relationships where I gave way too much of myself to the wrong person. My last relationship I realized a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men. I vowed to stay single till I felt healthy enough to try again. Now alone, without family I struggle. It seems everyone has someone or at least family to lean on. Sure I have a few good friends, but they are involved with there family and i usually feel worse, seeing there happiness.I'm not getting any younger and it just seems pointless to go on. I'm so afraid of attracting the same type of man. I don't think I have anymore heart to brake. I used to be a lively vivacious woman with a lot of passion for life. I'm stuck , really stuck. I miss having someone to love and love me. I live in a fairly small country town . Being a city girl, I've been here for 18 yrs., it seemed like the perfect place to raise a family. Now I just feel like an outcast. I spend my time running business and then running to bed. This is no way to live.
Lonlydove Lonlydove
51-55, F
3 Responses Jan 6, 2013

You should check out the book "the secret", I am about half way through it, reading it here and there, I believe it could give you more sound advice or perspective then I personally could. Its worked for me so far, I myself am a helpless romantic and the level of emotional pull tied to that can be devastating if one does not learn to find beauty in sorrow. Losing a soul such as yours would be a sad moment for this world, the very fact you care so much is demonstrative of how bright your light truly shines, add some kindle to that fire of yours and give this world a run for its money ;] no one should feel alone, we are in this together.

I feel like I just read a page out of my own personal diary. I am the same age (close enough), and have given my love to all the wrong people, and I find myself alone. I have been reading the suicide forums and it seems like attempting that would just be something else that I failed at now! I have no friends or family to speak of, or that I care to speak to. And I am know that the past has caused me to shut the door to anyone or anything that even tries to get close. Thank you for your story, for the first time in my life, I actually believe that someone does know exactly how I feel.

Wow, I am delighted someone read what I had to say. Just a day after writing this I stepped out and saw some light. I love helping people, especially the elderly. So why not be happy with that? As I get older a mate will be necessary for a healthier survival rate. I was always a helpless romantic and wouldn't settle unless all the bells and whistles rang. Now my needs have changed.
Just when I think I might have figured it out I go to square one again.
I thought of dying for months. Even asked a close friend if he would be with me as I didn't want to exit alone. The more I thought about it I got anxious . Who would take care of my cats or the 86 yr old that I help. Life is full of choices. I know what used to make me happy, I just can't seem to get over the loneliness . And the thought of starting another relationship for the first time in my life scares the bejesus out of me.
What was your childhood like, where did you grow up?
My struggles are one of many I'm sure as we are social creatures. I've created this life just need to find a way out of the box.
Thank you for your kindness and effort to connect. I hope today blankets your soul with warmth and comfort

right no way to live and sorry but i really understand sort of live the same way
as i do not have the freedom to just take off and if i go aay for the weekend the kids i take care need to go as they need the medical knowleage in my head

Thank you for replying. I do not have children . Always wanted them but could not find the right person to have them with. Really I was scared of screwing up as my life has been unsettled since I was born. Your children have to bring some comfort, yes? Do you have help raising them? How old are they and what is the medical condition u speak of?