I Am Not Who Or Where I Wanted To Be....

In the last three years I have lost my wife, mother and brother, all to cancer. My job has become everything I am not. Self centered people who are only in life to think they are better than everyone else. I shock myself that I am writing this. I thought i would live a more simple life. Instead things are so complicated and I ask myself why. What matters? Most people seem to be in things for self promotion. I have basically been alone for over three years now. I watch my family pass. I see my other family members become the exact opposite of what I thought they were. All over money. I have had a sister tell me I am stealing money from my parents estate and the whole time she openly hates my brothers family. I try to include her, burt she does not want to meet or talk with me. I have basically lost my entire family. What has happened to people? Where has love, trust and honor gone. What ever happend to enjoying a morning by seeing the sunrise and hear birds sing. I question my religon, life and most people around me. I amscared of loosing what I have, yet I do not really what what I have. I am a confused person who is looking for the simple kindness that life should offer. This year, since I had no family at all to celebrate Christmas with, through a church, that I do not belong to, I purchased Christmas gifts for two needy families. That felt good. There has to be good in life out there somewhere. I am just confused and am questioning all that I am. Maybe this is a good thing?
spalted spalted
2 Responses Jan 6, 2013

In many ways, you are the victor in this tragic stretch of time you've been passing through. You have come out of it a more aware, sensitive human being. I'm sure you would not want to compromise those gains in the interest of holding on to people and things that feel hollow and bring no joy. Perhaps, at the risk of sounding a bit cliche, your family members who have moved on are gently prodding you in your growth, and enjoying the progress! I know that doesn't help the loneliness, though. I like what you did at Christmas. I did a very similar thing. I'm a recently retired teacher and I'm in touch with many former students - going back 30+ years. I heard, via FaceBook, of one that was having a very tough financial time, and made arrangements to send money anonymously, so she could buy gifts for her kids. We are to pass the love forward. That's all we can do. But, yes, it hurts like hell - and I've not suffered the same loss you have. Keep on keepin' on!

I am so sorry you suffered so much loss, i am here if you need to talk. i know all to well how lonliness can be when you feel not needed or appreciated