Don't Even Know Where To Start.

I walk through this life trying to be strong. I think a lot of us do this. Everyone has a story, everyone has some battle they are fighting. I can see it in people around me. Even strangers.

It's been so long since I've had someone that I felt truly connected to. Not necessarily romantically--it's been years for that, too--but friendship-wise is what hits hardest. The friends that I have are coworkers and housemates. And they are all really awesome people. But for some reason I find that I have no one that I can look at and say that they have my back, they are concerned for me, they are involved in my life and I am involved in theirs. They all have other people who fill that gap for them. I guess I miss that. I am a likeable person. I laugh easily, listen well, and am open and non-judgmental. People treat me positively, and in no way am I ostracized for made to feel inferior. But there is no connection. No solid humanity to my relationships. In high school, and even the first year or so of college, I had people I felt really close to. Now, not so much.

I understand life to be an ebb and flow. I work 50 hours a week. I get too tired to go out. I have totally forgotten what it feels like to look at someone and feel pulled, effortlessly, towards them because in the past I have purposely avoided that feeling. I have receded into myself. Yes, I am an introvert, and always have been. But I'm starting to think that there might be something wrong with me. I don't know that I'm depressed--I'm prone to that too, but this feels different. It moves from apathy to desperation and then back again. I convince myself that I don't care when I spend New Year's eve by myself, or that I have forgotten how to reach out to people to hang out or have fun. Feels like total madness, like being stuck inside a plastic bubble. Everyone can see me, but I can't be touched. And I put myself there for so long that I don't really know how to get out.
blackbird205 blackbird205
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

People are social creatures, no matter how much confidence may flow through our veins we need some form of real genuine contact with another person. Unfortunately, people for whatever reason drift apart, even if those very people were once like family. You can not completely forget about them just as much you can fool yourself in not caring if people are close to you, things change and so do people. Dont be depressed however, and it is okay to feel afraid because it may feel like starting over, you will make new friends and bonds that will become your new family. It might seem hard and even make you to completely mad at times, but keep trying and hold your ground and before you know wont feel alone.