Don't Know What To Do.

I walk through this life trying to be strong. I think a lot of us do this. Everyone has a story, everyone has some battle they are fighting. I can see it in people around me. Even strangers.

It's been so long since I've had someone that I felt truly connected to. Not necessarily romantically--it's been years for that, too--but friendship-wise is what hits hardest. The friends that I have are coworkers . And they are all really awesome people. But for some reason I find that I have no one that I can look at and say that they have my back, they are concerned for me, they are involved in my life and I am involved in theirs. They all have other people who fill that gap for them. I guess I miss that.

This is a quote from a story I read here. This fits my situation exactly. I could not write it this well. I thought it was my story someone else wrote. But I am a little older (by about 25 years) and more to my story than this.

I was married for 17 years. Not yet divorced. No children. Been separated from her for 5 years. Her infidelity was more than I could stand. Someone else noticed that she may have been cheating. It did not even dawn on me. But I suspected she had been cheating on me for at least a couple of years. When I caught her, she never said she loved me, she was sorry, or that she did not want to break up. She was just cried and said she had now where to go. I threw her out anyway. That is what hurt the most. And I loved her so. And still do to a point and probably always will in a way or until I find someone to fill the void.

I tried these dating sites but now, since I am unemployed, I do not have the money to date and most women, if not all, do not want to date a man who is unemployed. I have never had a problem getting a job until the last 6 months or so. I can only guess it is the economy. But now I am afraid my loneliness and depression is effecting that aspect of my life also.

I need someone to talk to, to hold, and to tell me it will be alright. Someone to give me some encouragement every now and then when life knocks me down. At my age I do not have any single friends. They are all married with kids. They all have their own lives. And I kinda understand that. I live alone. It seems I can only choose losers for roommates. They either loose their jobs shortly after moving in or are too trashy for me and my neighbors. I live in a rural area so I do not have a lot of neighbors. I am shy, to some extent, till I get to know someone. I guess I am a little jaded. I feel lost and an outsider everywhere I go. Even with most of my family members. They all belong to a certain church and faith I do not always agree with and will not go because when I am there I feel two-faced because I do not agree with a lot of their fews and practices. But I do agree with most of their beliefs. They do not celebrate birthdays or Christmas. So I am out in the cold there. So I hate my birthday and the Holidays. I do want to share these things with someone.
Manpil Manpil
51-55, M
Jan 6, 2013