Pb's Life Today, Nothing Amazing, Maybe Just Ok

I don't know if writing these stories helps me or anyone else. I'm just lonely. Depression takes a lot of energy, feeling feelings that nobody seems much interested in. It's hard to find love or acknowledgment in this world. There's so little love to be had. I am slowly unthawing from a deep and ancient freeze of primal pain, rage, and fear. I feel like I'm going mad most of the time, doing the same ol'****, wondering if it makes any difference to anyone or anything at all. I don't know how to change or give myself credit. I wrote something, but think it's ****. Talking to people is hard b/c I am a private person by nature and prefer silence sometimes to talking. I think I am too introspective and mistrustful for therapy. I think it's too hard to find anyone who ******* "gets it". I think that whatever I am trying to get can only be given by God alone, and She's not in a big hurry apparently. Maybe God knows that it will be alright in the end. The world is such a stupid, frustrating, ******-up, maddening place. I try to look for the good, to be nice to myself, to see I have come a long way. I think my strength intimidates people. I think that I see too much for other people's comfort. I think that I am glad I have my priest in my life because he sees more than I do, and therefore can be helpful to me. I think perhaps there are no accidents.
I'm angry, hurting, ****** up, often scared, and I am tired of the ptsd train. I will get out of it somehow. It has to heal. I have to move the **** on. And right now would be very good, very good indeed.
Thank you for reading.
deleted deleted
26-30
Jan 9, 2013