Orphaned. Only Child. Single. Childless.

I grew up an only child. My dad left us when I was 14 after 2 years of cheating on my mom and tormenting us with drug and alcohol fueled fits of rage. My mom was all I had. We didn't have any relatives. She died when I was 23 (2 years ago). I found myself completely alone. I moved to another state and made a few friends, but they're all married. I'm very caring, generous, smart, attractive, and funny, but in spite of those things I can't seem to find someone who would want to date me. I had one boyfriend for 3 months. I thought he was going to propose, but he dumped me a few days ago. Apparently he had been harboring a lot of negative thoughts and feelings about me and his actions were ingenuous.

Now I'm alone again. It's so painful to know that no one cares when or if I come home after work. I roll over in the night expecting to wrap my arm around a warm, soft body, to find no one. The silence of my apartment is unbearably painful. Sometimes I just want to be held so badly, but there's no parent, spouse, boyfriend, or sibling to comfort me. I feel gripping anxiety. I feel like this is just how life will be. My heart aches when I see mothers with their children. It hurts that I don't have a mother and it hurts that I don't have a child. People say it gets better, but I can't stand the waiting. I often think of killing myself. I talk about it to my friends. No one seems to take it very seriously. I see a psychiatrist and have been to counseling for a very long time. I've tried every medication on the market. There is no cure for loneliness. I'm on singles websites and force myself to join social situations, but I feel out of place and seem to be constantly rejected by men, always for a different reason. I pray all the time for God to help me fix whatever it is I'm doing wrong, to bring me someone to care for and who will care for me, and to help me cope in the meantime.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 10, 2013

You sound like a very beautiful person! Have faith in yourself--just by reading this, I know you are a good person by heart. The person who dumped you lost a lot in doing that--except he doesn't know that yet. Don't give up quite yet!