Don't Judge Me

I'm 19 years old and in university. I'm laying in bed contemplating whether to drink by myself on a Friday night.

I have my friends and family, but I feel disconnected from everything. I know I have deep seeded problems, abandonment issues first six years; my loving mother as finishing school in another city, I relied on my dad, when they divorced and my only role model turned to drugs and alcohol, I stopped trusting people. I was the weird kid because my mom had an ideal where I would be a shut in hoping it would make me study more, so people even today would jokingly ask me what was your childhood like? When I say
things like, "I didn't ride bikes too often as a child".

I never cared too much about what other people thought, I wasn't bullied except in a few isolated cases, but I for the most part was invisible.

My mother who had a broken dream of becoming a doctor, broken by something so little, for all of my life deluded herself that I would become one, everyday I'd feel like a failure not living to her unrealistic expectations for me. She would shoot down my arts, in attempt to prevent me from becoming a dancer, or poet. I have had no free thought not criticized by her new world creationist views how god should rule my life, without taking time to listen to or try to respect my own views on religion, and being spoon fed her beliefs. I know it could be much worse, but it made me feel so invisible.

I've channeled pain into dancing, and spoken word. I just don't know anymore though. I've never held a real relationship. So when it felt like I had a shot I slept with someone who I was friends with and trusted for a month and a half. She then revealed that she had a boyfriend in another city and she was only using me, and she wanted to stay friends. I've dated many girls, but I always end up empty. The only girl I really felt a strong connection left the country and at the airport, in front of me made out with my best friend and told me right there she and him were together, and created some fantasy world where I would be okay with it. I know I am not a person who is not easily used, and im rational enough to know that not everyone is like this, but im starting to trust people less based on experience.

I'm a loving person, I love my family and friends, suicide has crossed my mind many times since 6. I've never told anyone that, I've never attempted it or ever will. Doing that is letting the world, my dad,the bullies, the users, and the liars win, and advice to those thinking of suicide on this before never let them win. Just know there are things that come that are worth holding on to, life may one day bring you to a better place, even the homeless and broken hold on to life, so don't think you have any good enough reason to.

I also have the generic parents fighting and father threatening the family with knives, while high on god knows what going on, tearing up the house looking for cameras. All that good stuff.

I just needed to share parts of my story. Thank you for reading, I am typing this on a phone, sorry for any errors.
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 11, 2013

I am a 45 year old alcoholic. Trust me, drinking only hurts you in the long run. Please get some help. Find a counselor or a clergy member or someone you can open up to. Picture this, 45 , divorced, and you sitting on the couch, alone with your dogs ( I know, should be cats but I am allergic) and your bff...vodka. This turned into my everyday. You do not want this.

i think id depends on why you want to drink. not a good idea to do it to try to take the pain away :/ because then it'll turn into a few more glasses...and its also got consequences
and as for your past, im sorry to hear that. i guess thats the bitter sting of life... but channel your pain into something productive. like maybe art. do you paint?

Hey I appreciate the time you took to respond. Well I usually drink to kill boredom and to improve my performance while I game(drunken gaming master). Tonight I was thinking of drinking because of lonliness. I usually dance or write spoken word poetry, sometimes pain builds up though, so I just need to vent to people. In this case the internet.

well id say its not a very good idea to do it so carelessly lol its a dangerous substance to your body and could eventually kill you blah blah blah but i bet you already know that lol. but if you ever need a friend to vent off to though, ill be honored to help :)