I Should Not Be Single But I Am All The Same

I've just added another disappointment to my uninspiring love life and it's led to a sleepless night. The more I have thought about the disappointments the more despondent I have become and, for the first time in a while, I prayed to God just to kill me. To be clear, I have no intention of doing it myself but that prayer startled me so I began to search for someone to talk to. I live in a small town where I haven't really connected with anyone. All my friends are two time zones away and I really don't want to bother them. I don't want to worry my family any more than I have already. In the end, since my usual last recourse for companionship costs 2-6 dollars a minute and I'm broke, I found this site. I will probably be wordy and that will mean no one will read this and share advice but just typing, the activity of it, is making me feel better.

To begin with, I have always felt less than those around me; like I wasn't good enough. I have many friends, however, who constantly tell me otherwise and I respect them but, one negative comment or event is given immediate precedence over months and years of positive regard. It has just been my way. This attitude of inferiority was made worse when I had a medical issue when I was 14. I woke up in the night to find my right testicle had swollen to three times the normal size. The doctor said to wait a day or two for it to change. When it didn't I waited too long to return and it had to be removed. So now my inferiority complex had proof that I see every time I go to the bathroom. Other men have two testicles; I have one. Therefore, I am half what they are. Throw in that there wasn't much of a male role model in my childhood so I don't really know any man skills, and you can see that my self-doubt was magnified.

I believe this is why I haven't had a significant, real relationship. I like women and they like me (at the start anyway). At least my female friends, male friends' wives or girlfriends adore me and think I'm a catch. I just can't get past the idea that, when the time comes for her to know about my "situation downstairs", it will change how she feels and, worse yet, it will end the relationship. I mean, when do you let your girlfriend know such a thing? Moments before intimacy without giving her any time to process it? Do you tell her when you guess the relationship is getting sexual and risk guessing that wrong? Tell her on the first date and get her drink thrown in your face? Or do you just let it be a surprise the first time she sees you naked? I can't answer it so I stall and the lady misreads my motivation and moves on. It's disheartening.

As a result of my fear, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 29. I met a woman online and she agreed to meet me for sex. It was a miserable experience. I wanted it so badly but the lady was not attractive to me in any way. She knew about my condition and said it didn't matter (which was nice and I was grateful) but, in the end, while she was satisfied I was not. So after fifteen years of nervously asking women out and getting shot down or dating them for a few weeks only to have them break it off, my only stat was an unsuccessful one-night stand.

At 30 I made a big life mistake. I was getting so sick of watching my friends lives move forward (marriage, promotions, houses, etc.) while I stagnated in a well-respected but uncompensated profession. So I took a job across the US. I thought I'd forge a new me and come out better. Big, BIG mistake. What I actually did was cut off the only support I had and isolate myself. I dealt with my loneliness by making myself lonelier! I have been out here for 13 years now but returning is impossible with the job I have. No one is hiring back home so I am stuck for now.

Before the move and after, I was dealing with my sexual desires through the Internet. I'm sure if you have read this far you are very surprised that cyber, phone, and videocam sex has entered the story! Once again, now in the new state, I tried meeting someone from online and had the same disastrous results. This time though, I really hurt the woman's feelings, and I am ashamed. I kept thinking that if she likes me and I am patient then I will like her just as much. That didn't happen and, when I told her, she had a few choice, well-deserved words for me. Then, I did it a third time, this time with someone out of state. We talked on the computer and phone for six months and really connected. She was the one who moved the relationship to "I love you"s so I thought I was finally there. Turns out it was all a lie. When meeting was the next logical step she pulled the plug on it. No explanations or chances to plead my case just a fairly impressive "Dear John" email. I found out later from a relative of hers that she wasn't who she said she was. She was using the relatives account and name so she could have an adventure, I guess. She wasn't even using her real pictures! I felt pretty duped. Whatever her motivation was I knew my emotions were genuine and that I could feel that way and make someone happy. Eleven years later I'm still waiting for that someone.

I have dated one woman since then. I met her two weeks before she moved away to another state. We got on well and emailed for a bit after she moved but then it died out. When she moved back she called me up and we got together. I thought I was really set (I mean she called me!) so I planned a nice welcome back thing with a bit of romance, just in case. I bagged that plan when her roommate showed up and set my "date" up on a blind date with a co-worker. Worse, my "date" agreed... while I was sitting there! I politely made my exit and went home.

To compensate for all this frustration and to feel, just for a short while, that I have what women want, I call phone sex operators. I also would call psychics for the promise of hearing some prediction that would give me hope. I'm embarrassed to say that none have come true. When the fake woman revealed herself I really fell apart and indulged in that for far too long. To be honest, I only called certain ladies and, usually, it was just to talk about things. To feel a connection. There was dirty talk, sure, but it was mostly so I wouldn't feel lonely. That feeling of companionship always ended when the phone clicked off and definitely when my credit card bill arrived. It took me years to pay off that debt and I almost had it gone, too. I didn't feel much better about myself, though, as there are plenty of free **** sites to distract me from my loneliness and frustration but add to my self-contempt. I challenge anyone to want something desperately and go without it for a decade and not look at a picture of that something every so often! It's not easy.

After the first binge of calls, I got all this under some control. Things would flare up when I had a lot of free time from work but never as bad as at first. My loneliness was still there but I learned that the phone wasn't a substitute. Then, in one of my flare ups, I came across a website that offered cams. You could actually see who you were talking to! At least they couldn’t lie about that! I decided to try it and see if I could become someone special to them. I knew most of them would say anything for my dollar and not care much about me. But, I needed to be special to someone. I needed someone to need me. I needed to be told that I could make someone that I was attracted to happy and that they could find me attractive, too. I would always surprise them with my intent of satisfying them even if I went unsatisfied. I wanted to be the provider, the giver and, in so doing I would be satisfied, too. If they were happy talking to me, looked forward to it even, then it wouldn't matter that I wasn't a complete man, that I was old, bald, and inexperienced. I would be someone.

Would you believe it worked? It was just like dating but eventually I connected with one lady. She understood me and loved my imagination. She even gave me her personal email so we could stay in closer contact. But when I discovered she was married I just couldn't keep it up. How could I be special anymore? I found another lady who was probably the most popular woman on the site. Constantly being taken to private sessions. I'd wait for ages for her to be available and get five minutes to say hello yet she always remembered my name. She was always thrilled to see me in her room. Out of all the visitors to her room I stood out because I was interested in her and took the time to make her happy. She still thinks well of me even now. But the money was already starting to dry up so I saw her less and less. All the progress I had made in paying off my debt was undone but I still couldn't stop. I loved feeling special.

The one that I really connected with was a lady who shared my loneliness. A woman who dazzled me with her talent and her attitude and who delighted in the simplest of things I could do. I truly felt that, if I had been lucky enough to meet her normally, I would have had a chance with her. I became so special to her that she would put my cam up while in free chat, ignoring all other requests, and leave it up for hours. She said she wanted to see my face so that she would feel better. I would visit her every night she was on for as long as I could. When we would talk privately it would be to catch up as well as for tension relief. I would tell her erotic stories and she would say that they were told as though I was in her head, as though I knew her perfectly. She said that she relived them when I wasn't around, fantasized about me, and no one else on the site had the ability to satisfy her. She hinted that she might be willing to contact me outside the site, via some social network. In all the time we talked she didn't manipulate me to give her money, not once. Sometimes it would be weeks before I could afford another session, but she would still welcome me every night she was on and insist I put up my cam. When I could afford it I did it freely because she made me feel so special. Like I really had someone to come home to. Someone that wanted to see me. Like someone needed me.

Until tonight when she announced in the room that she was going to take her relationship with her friend to the next level. I was crushed. Now, honestly, I don't think I ever had a chance to be with her. We were never going to meet or move to be closer to each other. We both felt a strong connection but reality was also firmly in place. I was crushed because I was no longer special. When she was single she needed me. She said so. That I was the only person that was satisfying her. Now, and I mean RIGHT now, she is being satisfied by this other man and I'm alone... again. She doesn't need my stories. I'm not special anymore. She doesn't need me.

So my project to be special to someone has ended successfully but still with me alone, empty, unsatisfied. I know I have the ability to be “that guy” but I cannot get an opportunity. That realization, that if I were closer to her, I'd BE that guy is heart breaking. Now that I finish this I realize that I wasn't really writing it for advice but to get it out in the open... sort of. I know what I need to do: 1) stop going to these websites, 2) get back to the guy who was a few short months from being debt free, 3) like myself so that someone else may like me, too, 4) get some counseling. One positive of tonight's disappointment is that I don't really want to go back to the websites. This last woman is not easily replaced and that might be enough to crack my addiction to it. That might be the first step for my return to financial stability, if not emotional.

I welcome some advice if you have it. To be honest, if you have read this entire thing then I need to be buying you a sandwich or something as a thank you/apology! If you have, I am grateful for your attention and, if you have some, your positive advice as well. I don't need any criticism. Believe me, I handle that particular reaction to my story well enough on my own. Now maybe I can get some sleep and, hopefully, go to work with a happy face if not a happy heart.
SoIncrediblySingle SoIncrediblySingle
41-45, M
Jan 21, 2013