For You To Read, For Me To Heal A Little By Writting

I´m alone in my apartment as always, even when there is some body I´m alone. I´ve been alone for a long long time now and the hope of this changing is killing me with daydreams of happiness, friendship and love.
Never thought I end up this way. Writting in a loners website cause I have nowhere else to put my thoughts... I have tried a lot for a long time to have friends but the few I "have" I keep loosing them, they never call or worry or wanna go out with me. I´m "friends" with" people that I have no click with but I´m open, but even they go away. Ever since one point in my life I´ve been loosing all the people I know. I´ts awful to have had friends and fun once upon a time and now to be like this at my fresh age of 26.

I should be out on fridays and saturdays with friends having fun, going to the movies and dancing, I´m not even asking to have someone special, just good friends to share my life with...

What happend? I don´t know... maybe is because I don´t drink and people like people who does so. I used to drink for a little while when I was younger and had a little (and by little I really mean little) problem with smoking pot so I went to the program and stopped. That was almost nine years ago, so belive me that is not longer my problem but people asume I´m boring because I don´t drink or they felt uncorftable with me not drinking so they stop inviting me to parties and places and well, I ended up alone. I met some people who were like "good kids" no drinking really but they don´t go out or do anything, they never call me for that and if we make a plan that takes weeks to take place they cancel like just hours before it with a text message, not even a phone call, and I´ve been putting up with this cause I have no friends so I don´t wanna get mad at them cause if I do they get mad too and go away...

I used to have a lot of friends when I was young, if the phone rang it was always for me but now the silence is overwhelming.
I don´t feel like working or doing anything most days, I just watch tv shows and movies all day long while eating, smoking cigars and sleeping, I watch the lives I want to live or violent sad things that are worse than my pitty loneliness. I daydream a lot of great and fun things happening to me, great stories with friends and lovers, great stories of life, life that I do not have.

I´m numb, lifeless and I want to be alive so much but my will is falling apart in big pieces.
I feel now like a total loser to be writing this in here, I mean, is this really the story of my life?
I go out and see people living their lifes, having fun and doing things, beliving in something that wakes them up every day. They are so lucky...
When I went to shinrk doctors they only want to drug me up, brilliant! they don´t listen and that´s all that we people need someone who cares and listen to us.
I should be working but I just don´t care, I don´t even like my jobs, why would I if I don´t like anything about my life right now?

I hate this undying hope I have, it´s really killing me because I don´t have a death wish or think that life is not worth living I belive the exat opposite and I kinda hate that because if you are not in the edge of wanting to kill yourself then people don´t really take notice and say nothing, but if you do they all wanna be heroes and friends of you for an hour, so they can look at you with pitty and feel better about themselfs.

Yes, Im´angry with people for not notincing me, and for being happy, I´m andry with god or whatever that is, I´m angry with life and with me, can´t figure out what I dod wrong so I can fix it I just want to fix it and move on and not be lonely anymore, I want to seez life and do a lot of things, I want to have something to write on a journal again, I want a life, a simple human life with friends and a family and the little things I know how to do.

But how things are now I just wanna put again another tv show that i´ve already seen like dozen of times and get out of this sucking reality of mine, cause no matter how much I wish for it, or how much I try (cause I have a lot of times) I just can´t win this one. Is there something wrong with me? Is my soul rotten or something? Maybe some of us are just ment to be like this, I mean, why should we all be happy and have people? The world is full of tragedy for some, real tragedy not this, so why should I even complain? What gives me the right to be mad and sad and tho ask for something more?

I wish I could stop thinking about my own unhappines and be helpful for someone else, but I guess I´m still too selfish to do that so, I write here for help or for a little comprehension or maybe so some one like me can read this and for a moment dosen´t feels as lonely as I do, cause they feel the exact same way.
Thanks for reading and I hope for you a better tomorrow.
L.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 23, 2013