I Used To Resent It, But Now Being A Loner Is Really Who I Have Came Out To BeIt's funny when i think im about to dump my mind on some website (which i have never done irl) but i like EP so i decided "Why the F*** not." (Oh and contrary to my profile im actually 18 not 22-25... missclicks :/ )
Im just going to go ahead and skip ahead 10 years from when i was born as those are insignificant and normal. everything was fine until i moved. the normal person would question that moving would have such a drastic impact on a person but they will never know until it has happened to them. See, people start of school and everyone has no friends, so making them just happens. When you come in during middle school or even high school, everyone has already established their groups of friends so it becomes even harder to work yourself in.
When i had my first year of 6th grade i became friends with this group of kids who where nothing like me. They were all un athletic and for- lack-of-a-better-term sissies, and I guess it was more out of an act of desperation but that didn't even last a whole year. When i found out my friend and his little sister back in my hometown had been murdered by their father, it completely changed my mindset on average life. I became incredibly paranoid, to the point where it is actually un healthy. I thought that someone was out to get me and that i was a target... even to my own parents. Who wants to become friends with a kid that looks over his shoulder over five seconds.
By the time i was in 7th grade i started to get bullied and picked on and people began to formulate rumors about who i liked which where incredibly outlandish. It even got to the point of violence which would end up as a 1 vs 3 or even got up to 5 at one point in the locker room. Keep in mind we were in 7th grade, most of us had just a bout 0 testosterone between us so fights weren't bad... i have had experience fighting in the past especially MMA and once attempted to hold my own against someone twice my size. yes i got the sht beaten out of me in that particular instance but it gained me atleast some respect which is really all that counts. i guess you can say im a little cocky, but i know how to fight. Either way coming back to the locker room fights all it really was was a push and shove contest. because of past experiences i knew that if i escalated it to the next level it would be worse for me so i i knew to hold back. When i decided i couldn't take being shoved anymore i flying kneed the most anoying ******* on the planet in the balls and sent him home for 2 days. but that didnt gain me any respect, only hatred. Who would believe a new kid over 5 of their friends. People say that MMA is really all about fighting but it really is more self control and knowing when and when not to get yourself into more than you can handle. This also attributed to me always being aware of what was around me and the sense ended up going crazy with my paranoia.
So that ended the fighting era when it was realized what i was capable of and with the unwanted help of a snitch. I guess that represents the main reason im writing this. When people inter fear it gets on my nerves so bad all i want to do is break who ever does it even though i respect their intentions.
Eighth grade was when it really began to come together. I began to realize how much i fcked up early on by being a complete paranoid ******* and not talking at all and preferred to be that kid who just sat in the back and didnt talk. Just because i liked handling something by myself doesnt mean i dont want someone to talk too or just to be friends with. I originally thought the innocent kind of kid would gain me friends. Oh was i wrong. i was never mean to anyone that wasnt mean to me so i didnt understand why no one would ever talk to me. i entered a state of depression. it was more out of confusion and frustration than anything. I wasnt able to figure out why people didnt want to be my friend but i always speculated it was because of my quiet attentiveness but i knew that that wasnt the problem since the would often not acknowlage my existance. I got the feeling that people hated me but didnt know why. I dont know why but one night i was feeling incredibly depressed like i am now. I was just confused and couldnt figure out anything. that was when i took my most prized posetion, a 7 inch knife given to me by my father and brought it from my wrist to just below my elbow. For the next hour i just sat there and let my arm bleed. i think i may have missed a major vein because i didn't pass out but a major pool of blood was at the floor. I didnt sleep for a week.
Onto freshman year i didnt have a friend but wasnt bullied that much anymore. My paranoia was still present, but i just carried on and began to have some sort of pride for being a loner.
sophomore year was when it all changed. My counsler noticed i never really talked to anyone. that combined with my health teacher filing a concern for my mental state caused her to force me to see a psycologist. If you have been reading, you would know that that is what makes me tick. I said absolutely nothing during my forced meetings with this guy. When i decided i didnt want to carry on with this i came in one day and stared right into his soul but still barely said anything. He never asked me to come back. Take into account the only reason this happened was because these meetings were forced. I would've never done the same to a friend... if i had one.
Through out the end of high school i remained being a loner, but ended up being depressed and quiet. All i ever did was sit at home and rarely talked at all as i am doing right at this moment. im just hopping university will be a change. I hate feeling lonely and depressed all the time just because of some stupid mistakes i have made in middle school. When ever im elsewhere, i become friends with people easily, but those longish distance things never work out. all i want is a friend. I've been without one for 5 years. Is it too much to ask?