I Am Broken And Lost ...

Someone was kind enough to write me about their perspective as being the other woman. I owe her a debt of gratitude for sharing her story with me. I had suspected that my other woman felt these feelings and she expressed them all so well. It makes me feel all the more selfish that I put her through this.

I am dying on the inside and ultimately I don't think my marriage here can be saved but I feel duty bound to try after 22 years of marriage. I know those who are rooting for me to work things out with my wife will be disappointed by this post. I started to write my OW to tell her how I am feeling and that I don't love my wife and can’t remember the last time we exchanged an “I love you” but I am going to try marriage counseling but I don't want to her to think I am trying to string her along or trying to hold her back. She is a strong woman and I suspect she is will be ready to move on. I have not let on how things here are not going well at all. She has her new "good friend" helping her (I referred to him in my first post) and it leaves me broken. I want to tell her wait don't fall in love with him! I love you and don't think my marriage will work. But if i do that it is as if I am already giving up on my marriage. If she can fall in love with him could I have really been the one for her?

I know if I was to read through my own posts I would be saying suck it up and do something. I will and I have to. Living like this and sobbing at the sound of a love song or something simple that sparks a vivid memory is no way to live. I do need to make sure financially things are as well prepared as possible regardless of the outcome here. I have two kids off to college in the fall and my third is still in middle school. I don’t want my kids to have to move out and never return of the only home they have ever known. It may not be possible but I will find out. This can be seen as an excuse to drag things out I know but it is the way things are and it is my wife who is holding this process back. It is complicated. I don’t think it is intentional but it is a concern.

I exchange an email with my OW every few weeks since we ended our affair in November and I have kept them upbeat and platonic. I want her to be happy so I have not expressed what I feel and what is going on here. As I go through each day trying to hang on to my sanity I remain torn ... do I write my OW and let her know what is really going on here? I miss her terribly. I remain broken and torn ... I hate it so ...