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Dear Me,

February 11, 2013

Dear Me,

Hello. I'm not really up to being pleasant today, so I'll go straight to the point. I'm sad. I'm wondering where that, happy, quiet, bookish, hard-working girl went, 'cause I thought she was great. She's gone now. Let me tell you about that girl.
She is the person I was before. She really didn't care about what others think, she faced her problems head on, conquered her shyness and inferiority complex with an iron fist. She only had a few friends. Sometimes, she could feel the loneliness, and it becomes so overwhelming that she cries at night, not knowing what was missing, not knowing why she was crying, and lastly, not knowing why other people didn't like her. She tried to please people before, always so eager for a bit of interest her way. She was... she felt empty. However, she wasn't a bad person. She just couldn't relate with other people. They just always felt as if they were speaking another language. A language she tried to understand, but then ended up getting used by other people again and again.
However, she was focused on her studies. She was successful, though lonely.
Anyway, that person changed. She entered high school, then she turned over a new leaf, just relaxed around people. She made friends. Not only friends, but this time, true friends. She loved it. Everything didn't go well, but what mattered to her was her true friends. Oh, and you know what else? Her obsession. Said obsession's name, is Harry Potter Fan fiction. Studies didn't seem to be so important anymore. Her obsession is just... life-altering. She has that obsession for years. And for more years to come. Now, she's in college. And still can't seem to stop reading.

And that's where the trouble started.

She has forgotten how studying was like. Now, she just reads texts and memorize them instead of gaining comprehension. Things don't seem to stick to her head at all. After an hour or so of intermittent studying, she starts fantasizing/ daydreaming about Fan Fiction. She reads fictitious stories everyday. Every time she could get away with it. She is now absolutely obsessed with "slash." It's a slang meaning the story is a story about male homosexual stories. It's about love, sex, power, the forbidden, and generally everything under the sun. Now, she has bad, bad grades. And about to fail college. She wanted to be a Surgeon before- a dream probably influenced by anime, and a taste for morbidity. Now, she just wants to write things. She told her parents she wanted to shift, go to AB Literature instead. She was not allowed to. Study, they said. You just need focus. So she tried her best, though her heart's not in it. She is, however, about to crush her parents with disappointment by giving them just enough clarity to realize their daughter is a dumb, lazy, happy-go-lucky girl.

And so now, she's tired. So very tired. Why? 'Cause despite everything everyone has been telling her, she still continues her act of laziness. She wants change. Unfortunately, wanting change and doing change are two very different things. She's still suffering. And now, with nothing helping her, she yet again feels the loneliness creeping through. I guess that's what led her to post this in a site she just saw after typing "I need help" in Google. I guess I thought doing this would help me, and I guess it did a bit.

That's all. Sorry for spouting such nonsense angst. Thanks for reading.

Love, Esvy.
esvy721 esvy721 16-17, F Feb 11, 2013

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