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Just Me

My name is Brandon. My real dad abandoned my when I was three. My step dad abused me and my family for 7 years, almost killing me a couple of times. I held it all in and was always the strong one, but took it out on myself by cutting from the time I was twelve years old and on. I started dating a lot, but my ex I was off and on with for 6 years and she cheated on me numerous times. We finally broke up and I attempted to commit suicide and was in the hospital for two weeks. I was diagnosed with depression, ptsd, anxiety and I've just been struggling since to stay alive. I live at my college dorms so i have no family or friends near me and i am sad and lonely and just trying to find reasons to survive one day at a time... any advice or anybody caring would be greatly appreciated..
Arcentine Arcentine 22-25, M 21 Responses Feb 12, 2013

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Have you had counselling?

Have you attended "Singles" events near you?

What have you done to try and help yourself?

All of the events that have happened to you are intensely painful, but you have a choice how you respond to them. Do you let your life be defined by suffering and pain? Do you seek help and support to turn your life round and show those people ?

For every person who has rejected you, there are others who have and are feeling just as rejected. In your college there will be others just like you, feeling just as you do.

Could you set up a support group for those away from home? Could you find out about local support groups for depression?

I know this sounds challenging, but truly the only person that can change your life is YOU. And, the only way you can do that is by changing the way you think. Have you thought about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? Have you read self help books?

Do you get out in the sun and smile at strangers?

There are SO many things you can do to improve your life, by all means use the internet for support but never forget to turn off the computer- go outside, take a walk and remember you are NOT alone. Others feel like you do. Find them!

I am not belittling your pain, I and members of my family have been through the mental health system but as far as there is mental health help, there is also SELF HELP.

Death is not an option I would be proud of, Im no quitter. And, to be honest there are some who I wouldnt give that pleasure to of knowing that what they did affected me THAT badly!

ive been in counseling and everything, but i had to return to school from medical leave. no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try people just want nothing to do with me, and i could do this if i at least had one person here. but i have nobody

You would find support at your local mental health support group. Being a student in a new place must be isolating, but the isolation is bad for your mental health. Go and confess to a priest if it would help you "unload" and seek advice from a suicide helpline, find out where the support groups are and go there. Online chat is fine, but you need real face to face contact.

there is no local support groups. and nobody cares enough for being here physically
and i do that already. but, i'm jsut tired of being alone

I *did* meet some cool people through meetup.com.
...How about the D&D nerds? is there a game night? or an anime club? Or a club based on your major?
...In the surrounding town, I'd see if there's an Adult Children Of Alcoholics meeting, as they generally take anyone from a messed-up family.

hmm no clubs based on my major sadly. i hate my school.... and idk about meetup never been on it

There are ALWAYS local support groups. You just havent found them yet. Online is some help, but really you need face to face support from people you can see. You will only get hurt if you give away your heart online....my story (Heart Care) explains.

You have the power to change your life and shape it....only you can take the steps forwards. But you NEED support locally. I do not believe that you have no support as every college has a counsellor and they can point you in the direction of local support groups. I think maybe you are not looking for support in the right places....I agree that it's easier to wallow and seek sympathy than find support and change, but long term, what's best for you? I think you'll find that those who do care will be the ones suggesting you find support groups and face to face contact. Dont be one to give up....would you want those people in your past to "win"? Would you not want to fight back and "show them"?

alright thanks..

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i thought i was the only one who feel that way i keep sayin' life is gonna get better but idk when

you definetly aren't alone in these feeling hon. And i try to tell myself it'll get better but like...i want someone to help me get better yet people can't be attracted to me while i'm broken. ugh. such a messed up world

I see you telling everyone that if they need help or someone to talk to, they can turn to you. That earns my respect right there. Stay strong because you're a better person because of it all. You have a purpose in this world. If you ever have to reach out to someone for any reason or no reason at all, you can find a friend here.

thank you :)

Hey, that you are in college and going forward with your life in very positive and in the right direction. You may be lonely but you are not alone. Keep the faith and may god bless you!

You are incredibly strong. ice never cut but it waa always something i considered. ive also thought about suicide but then i feel guilty. i always picture myself aa a disappointment & i dont want to disappoint anyone anymore. the only person i purposely diaappointed was the guy who told me to jump infront of a car when i was 11. I now suffer from from depression & anorexia due to bullying and hatred. ive never had anyone like me until this year so i completely get the lonely thing. please hang in there. the world needs strong people like you.
Best of luck.

thank you. if you ever need someone to talk to im here for ya

i thought i was the only one im sad and depressed too life is extremely unfair and at times unbearable id tell you its gonna get better but, it might not

it will, friend. how can it get much worse?

it can always get worse if it doesent and its good for a long time you almost feel like its gonna get bad any second like you dont deserve the good stuff

Your one strong man i hope you know that.
Im sorry for all the **** you had to go through, pain is a heavy load to keep on one plate, be strong and hang on in there. things always have to get better before they get worse. As for the break up, i totally can relate. heartbreak is not an easy thing to go through3 Im really glad i came across this, i believe we all need someone there for us, holding our hand and being support:D so please, dont be a stranger, i have plenty good advice for you!

things have to get worse before they get better**
pardon my confusion ahha

Thank you very much, and no need to aplogize my mind is probably just as jumpy haha. and vice versa i'm here if you ever need to talk :)

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Cant-Change-The-Past-But-I-Can-Change-My-Future/2133470

All is not lost Brandon, you have your whole life ahead of you. Grab it, embrace it and make what you want it to be. Good Luck...

Hi! You are very brave! Don't ya know that? If you can survive what you have already survived, you are braver than superman! Don't commit suicide or hurt yourself, art doesn't kill itself, it inspires other people. Be your beautiful self and do not let anyone tell you any different.

thank you :)

By boyfriend of many years had/has these same problems, and was led to a suicidal state before anyone would listen. He was abused as a child and then in his teens had a lot of problems with relying on people and being let down (being cheated on, crap friends who can't understand etc.) When I met him he had gotten to a stage of never wanting another girlfriend and was starting to isolate himself away from people, even those who cared because he could no longer take the pain that came with everything in life.

I motivated him by proving that somebody could be there for him, through anything - it was very tough and made my life hell for a while, but there are people who are willing to sacrifice their own happiness for another's.

I went to uni in a very small town, and was extremely lonely. Go out, make an effort to meet people, invite people to yours. If nobody can reach that extra mile then find somewhere else. You are free.

Please don't give up because there are the odd special people, who do understand. Life is not about having loads of friends, it is about realising who are the important people - who would be willing to do the same for you.

Thank you for sharing your story. and i'm trying my best. it's just hard to not give up on people

I started cutting too, my parents just pressured me too much. But you know what?? I wake up everyday knowing the sun will shine and I just keep my faith..: I stopped caring about people's opinions. People judge just to prove they are better people, but to prove something means they aren't. You should live like nothing happened forget the past just for a while... Move on, and after moving on look back and prove to yourself you are the better person now...

It's not that i care about people opinions. i just want to feel the opinion of at least one person who cares

Hey im sorry for all that you had to go through. you're a strong person. in my opinion, you should use that opportunity to meet new people & enjoy life. im in a college dorm too & trust me you will meet people that will love you.

i hope so. no luck in 7 months though :/

You have to put yourself out there. be open minded & dont let your past define your future.

im trying

God loves us Arcentine :) keep holding. Cheers! :)

Im not so sure God has had anything to do with my life. He's too busy ignoring me

that's what i felt too before. My life was hell :)

well i'm glad you found your faith..i'm still trying to find out a reason i should even keep living

ill pm u. . . :)

kk

In that case you might join this: http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Believe-In-The-Flying-Spaghetti-Monster/47103
This religion is more fun.

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I feel pathetic reading this when Im depressed and your life has been so much harder then mine. I'd tell you to keep it together and that you have to keep trying, but you've been through more then I have. All I can say is that you are stronger then me. If I went through all that I probably wouldnt be here today :/

everybody has a right to be sad about things in their life. Ive always been the strong one until i broke down and did try to kill myself, but i survived. It's not how much you've been through, but how you choose to deal with it. If you need to talk im here for you. I definetly understand depression

Hi Brandon..I care about you and i am so sorry for the abuse you have suffered..It makes me sad..I had a terrible step father who abused me emotionally and I hate him to this day..If you want to chat with me add me to your circle..I am much older but I want to encourage you at your age because you can make your life better and get past the abuse..You can become the lovely person God intended you to be..I can be trusted to talk to..Take care and please try not to be lonely..You now have a very good friend here who cares..Best wishes buddy. My name is Mike.

thank you mike, i really appreciate it. and i'm also here if you need to talk

Hello...added...

huh?

I added you as a circle member.

oh, i added yo too. not familiar with all the jargon yet haha

hi arcentine. i understand what you are saying. i had some great times in college, but it was also a struggle sometimes and very isolating at times. i was diagnosed with ptsd at 16, have suffered depression and anxiety. i was abused as a child too and it makes it hard for you to understand later on in life that people can actually like you for yourself and that you are meaningful and worthwhile. you are though, i can tell. you are sensitive and good minded. i also have attempted suicide before, and i have cut for years. the only problem is, they both make you feel worse later and leave forever scars. those things make you believe you must be worthless bc why else would you have done it. but that isn't true either. but honestly, every time you end up doing something like that, it damages your self esteem more and more. plus, i know i have so many scars and stuff that i have to go through great efforts to hide them from people at times (especially like job stuff etc). what i wouldn't do to go back and erase them. but i can't. that's one thing that is for sure, you can't go back in time, can't change the past. the future, that is all ours to change, however. it doesn't sound like you and your ex were meant to be together. if you keep looking i am sure one day you will find the right person who is committed to you and truly loves and respects you. 20ish is still very young to find that one true person, so don't worry. i still haven't found that person, and i don't really care because i mean either they come along or not, but i can't really search them out...so when it happens it happens, if it doesn't, there are still many other things in life to do. hang in there, better things will come. i have faith.

im trying. i just...i'm starting to sink back into the darkness. you've been through the same stuff so i'm sure you know what i mean

yeah, life is a rollercoaster, up and down, in and out. sometimes you need a break. sometimes it is exciting and fun, sometimes it is scary, troubling. sometimes you want to keep going, sometimes you want to get the hell off. my approach these days is to just do what i can and try to make healthy decisions and hope for the best, not always easy, but better than the pain and than living in hospitals ( out of the last 3 years i have been in the hospital 2.5 years - psych i mean) just make sure whatever happens that you try to speak up ask for help share your story seek a friend etc. sometimes i think maybe the worst thing in the world is to die alone and in pain with no one knowing. i mean sometimes it is worth the risk that someone rejects you or thinks you are stupid or a freak just to get out what you have to say and try to get what you need. i don't know if that makes sense. i am just exhausted and a bit ill right now, but my mind won't shut off enough for me to rest.

im starting to ask for help finally. my breakdown was 4 months ago so im still getting used to it all ya know?

Life can throw so real hard things at us. I have been through some very tough stuff in my childhood also. I have been through similar emotions. Your cutting yourself to distract from the pain inside you that you need to heal. You need to realize you are worthy. Be good to yourself and find positive things to do in your down time from your studies. Find an active positive hobby & I would also find a support group, you can possibly find like-minded people in a support group. Seek counseling & work close with Doctors. This is your life & you are worthy you need to heal from the pain. You have come a long way. Your in college you have wonderful opportunities that others only dream of. Keep doing good things that make you proud of yourself. Obviously people do care about you & your feelings or you would have no responses to your posts. Try & count your blessings as hard as it may be with the battle of depression you are fighting. If you are more positive possibly you will be more approachable, maybe people feel you are sad so they just let you be. Smile more & don't hold back your tears when you need to cry, also seek laughter, laughter heals the soul. Wishing you the best & peace in your heart to know there are good people out there that care.

thank you very much, and you too :)

Thank-You

It might be hard at first, but take advantage of being able to meet people in college. You might make some lifelong friends there.

see i've been trying so hard but no matter what i do nobody even cares. everyone is so selective

A lot of them are just nervous too. Is there like a club night or any other events specifically for people to meet new people? It might be a little late in the semester for that stuff by now though.

not really. my school sucks

Wow, that's a lot. I will never know the pain from all that. probably not the best person to suggest you anything but if you are in a collage, there are lots of activities, get invloved in helping others, join a church, they always have volenteering program etc. You can also meet some kind hearted people there. Good luck!

Thank you. There's not a whole lot of activities at my school sadly. I thought i would fit in here but everyone is so selective. And having depression and being shy just makes it 80 times more difficult ya know?

It's sad how bad things happen to good ppl...

It truly is. I just wish the world would get better. Or there would be somthing worth living for, ya know?

Good things happen to good people to make them stronger. That my friend has been my motto. :D life gets better I promise we are our own worst enemy so once you figure that out you'll start doing some chancges yourself. ;)

but i am terrible to myself to the extent that i dont know how to stop. and i dont think ill ever see anything good about myself.

Hating yourself is what you were brainwashed to do. You have to counter-brainwash.
...An online friend and abuse survivor told me to reply to the negative inner voice with opposite positive statements. I thought "gawd, that sounds stupid."
Then I did it, and it worked.
So if you hear "I'm worthless and need to die," mentally think," I'm worthy and I need to live."
...And so on.

ive been doing that actually. im still on the second-by-second telling myself good things. none are turning into believeable feeling even remotely.

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