Crying And Lonely

I was abused as a child,both mentally and physically by my mom.my dad left when I was real young,never really had much of a retaliation ship with him. When I was in college,moved in with my now husband,who I was dating at the time. When I got my first job,instead of getting my own place,I chose to stay with my boyfriend,both because I loved him and because I was insecure with living on my own.We had a volatile relationship,but in my naïveté,I thought they would go away when we married.No surprise,they didn't.We are two different people.My husband likes to put me down,talk down to me,poke fun at me,point out my faults.Things that don't help someone who already has no self-esteem as it is. We have two kids.I have tried asking for a divorce,but my husband believes he is faultless,all the problems in our marriage are because of me. My only option I see,since I can't afford the divorce on my own,is to wait till my kids are older,on their own,and leave my husband. I have no one to talk to.I have always felt alone in my life,but the older I get ,the worse it feels.The last few years,people that I trusted and cared about really hurt me deeply and screwed me over.These were friends and family members.I feel now that I can not trust anyone,that I am a bad judge of character,or that there is something wrong with me.I am so thankful for my kids,I really am. I know I shouldn't complain,yet I feel so alone,so unloved.I work two jobs,take care of my home,do the best I can.All I ever wanted was a husband who loved me ,respected me,and I'm with a man who treats me like crap.I see older couples who look like they have genuine affection for each other,I really admire that.What is wrong with me? Why can't I keep friends or have love? Why do I feel so alone?
L