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I Am Lonely

The Loneliness

By: beautifullytwisted
Written on February 16th, 2013
I just got out of a relationshp.


All I did was care about his feelings, care about how he felt, care about trying to make him happy.

I asked a simple question. I tried to communicate, but he was one of those people that any form of talking about the elephant in the room would make him defensive and he'd explode.

He couldn't just communicate. Ask a question, give an answer, everything is all okay.

I asked a question about his feelings, his thoughts and no matter how said question was formed, he'd get defensive, he'd get angry . He'd tell me I was being this or that.

All I cared about was his feelings, his thoughts and his happiness.

In the end, he called me selfish.

So I did that selfish thing, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.

Even though I know I did the right thing. I couldn't communicate with him like a human being. Even though I know he was being abusive, I miss him, and despise that feeling.

I do this to myself. Time after time. I did it with my parents. I saw how unhappy they were. My abusive alcoholic father, my afraid alcoholic mother, too scared to leave.

I'd try to make them happy. I'd do whatever my father said. I'd be a good girl, I'd clean the entire house from top to bottom(a two story house) trying to make my mom happy, just for a little while. When my dad would get mad, I'd try to hug him to make him feel better. He'd slap me and call me a selfish *****.

I realized I couldn't make them happy, and when I grew up I kept getting with obviously unhappy men, just thinking maybe , maybe this one I can make happy.

But I'm wrong, and it's not that I'm not enough. It's not that I'm selfish, or bad. It's just that when someone is so unhappy, nobody can make them happy. It's an internal choice they are allowing themselves to make, whether they're aware of it or not.
They have to decide to allow themselves to be okay.

I realize that the reason he was like that wasn't me.

I would never be so cruel and mean to him the way he was with me.

I do nothing but try to make others happy, be their light, be their distraction from their pain. And I'm called selfish.

Realizing that it's just a defense mechanism doesn't make it hurt any less.
Realizing that I did the right thing, doesn't make the pain go away.

I just want someone to hold me and love me, the way that I would hold and love them.
By: beautifullytwisted
Age: 22-25 , Female
63 people have read this story

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2 responses
  • Petrushka
    Petrushka

    Very sane of you to kick that abusive dude out of your life.

    I got here because you posted that well reasoned reply in "I live in a sexless marriage" group. Alas, it was somewhat inappropriate, because, let me explain, many if not most folk there have lived with people like your ex for 10-20 years. They've soaked up the abuse to the point where they cannot make a rational decision about stay or leave any more, because of all the baggage, the history, and "beaten woman syndrome" (which is not gender specific actually). Many of them will go apeshit at you because they perceive that you're "too young to know what they have gone through" (as if, you're just not as hesitant getting out of a toxic situation as they were, and so you make them look bad with your decisiveness and your clear eyed view, both of yourself and your partner). Inevitable. In my experience, in the land of the blind the one eyed man is not always king, they often become the victim of a lynch mob.

    I applaud you on getting out. I read how you feel about it and it rings a bell: in my experience people who have grown up with alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional parents have problems with setting boundaries and either take too much crap without rejecting it, trying to please and trying to 'make it better', or, as the other option, become overly controlling trying to micro manage their partner.
    We also have problems distinguishing and finding GOOD, sane, healthy people to have relationships with, because our parameters are all mixed up from the hideous place we have started out from. Stuff that might look screwy to an objective observer, looks perfectly minor and acceptable to us, initially ...

    Hope you find someone who is good to you, and for you :-)

    Feb 16
    1 like
    • beautifullytwisted
      beautifullytwisted

      Thank you. And yes, I once posted in that same forum, replying to a woman cheating on her husband, talking about how horrible her husband was.

      They all ganged up on me. It was rather interesting, hearing all these people throwing my age in my face, and how I don't know anything because I haven't been through it.

      Well, I won't allow myself to go through it, plain and simple. It's not too late for them, but they're not going to see it as such until they allow themselves to.

      Your reply means much to me, thank you.

      I want to find those good , sane, healthy people. I'll continue to look for them until I do, and if I have to pass over those abusive ones, I will. It's not easy, by any means, but I won't settle myself in a situation I know and feel I do not deserve, and should not be in.

      I appreciate your response. ^_^

      Feb 16
      1 like