So Damn Lonely

To all that want to listen right now i am so ****** lonely i want to scream.....my ex and i tried it out again and i took her virginity and she regretted it and then she started acting funny towards me.....then a couple days later her best friend tried to get with me and i figuerd either it was a trap or she was trying to get out of the relationship one way or another i figured byu the end of the night i wasn't going to have a girlfriend.....and i was right its called logic! and so for a couple of days now i have been just love sick i have no one to call my own and its burning me on the inside.

this girl that i am talking to or was talking to i thought she was perfect i went to prom with her after my ex broke up with me. and she is a phenominal except for this BIG *** flaw, she doesn't know what she wants shes super flaky and i cant have that i need attention...not to sound like a girl but i like sitting at home and watching movies with my girl not some girl from my black book.

i can pick up girls it's nothing but to have someone that is special to me just as i am to her is what i am longiong and yearning for i just want someone to be my own.

not to be mean to any of my past girlfriends but i dont want a girlfriend that is questionable in her looks someone that when i walk down the street the guys have to stop and stare and i had that TWICE in the past 6 months but both of them had huginormous flaws that i could not take.

why cant i find someone.....for me

silverpoet silverpoet
18-21, M
3 Responses Jun 15, 2007

your young and it's not your time to settle down yet.

For starters, it sounds like you are young, far too young to be thinking of settling down. Also, you are caught up in the one major trap far too many others get into without realizing it. This trap you're in is one where if you settle now or in the near future before rectifying this problem you have, you are going to regret every decision you made from that point forward.

I lost my childhood to an abusive and alcoholic biological father along with an enabler of a biological mother who basically threw her 2 children under the bus - or painted bulls-eyes on our backs, whichever way you want to see it. She intentionally took 2nd & 3rd shifts 6 nights a week in order to avoid her husband, which left my younger sibling and me (I am the oldest by more than a few years so I always felt responsible for keeping my sibling safe and away from the beatings I endured for far too many years even though our bio mother did run and drag us with her but only when she got laid off & he began hitting her, which is the one he was pissed with anyhow since he often came in so drunk and pissed off that he called me by my biological mother's name! Sure, I resemble her family oh so much more than his and I even look more like her and about 3 of her sisters when it comes to height, facial features, hair color, which I've been a bottle blonde since I was 17yrs old & a multi-shaded quad-color foiled blond where the hairdresser weaves the hair with a long tip comb in order to give each color used in my hair a more natural look when done as I have heavy highlights but they appear natural as if I was born with naturally blond hair rather than Native American black with high cheek bones, almond-shaped eyes, dark complexion, etc...)... Btw, our biological mother always reconciled within a few days, weeks, months, or even a year and we were back in the same situation again. She worked to avoid her husband and he came in drunk being on us until I was able to get us out legally and when my sibling was old enough, we made a pact to stop the cycle of domestic/child abuse along with stopping the cycle of alcoholism and we remain faithful to that pact today!

The best person to give me advice was my surrogate mom, who was my biological mother's oldest sister. I was never concerned with being alone without a boyfriend. I was comfortable in my own skin, by myself, and left to my own thoughts. Sure, as I got older it was a little different but even now I get cranky if I don't have some "me-time." It is the one thing my bio mother couldn't do. It's why she kept reconciling. It's why she was always with someone even after they split for good after we left & they dropped off the grid until after my sibling was 18. We remain estranged from them though. I became the Mom along with the Grams to my sibling's children while having 2 other children of my own but my sibling was always treated as my child and when I married, my husband was the father my sibling needed to look up to as he came into manhood, then a husband, and a father.

It is important to learn to be comfortable with yourself before you can ever commit and be comfortable with someone else. In the words of my surrogate mom, you need to learn how to be a "ME" before you become a "WE." If you don't, it will not be long before you realize that you are even more miserable than you were before committing to someone before learning to live with yourself and find out who you are before going out to find someone to be with you when you have no idea WHO YOU ARE FIRST! Additionally, you need to learn to enjoy time without having to have someone around you all the time. Take all the time in the world to be alone in your thoughts. Read books. Find out what you think about various ideals, career choices, and life lessons with those answers coming from your heart and your head while making sure to read both views of an argument to find out not only where you stand but why you feel the way you do on various subjects. Keep a journal to write down your thoughts, happenings in the world and your take on what's going on based on YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS THAT ARE BACKED WITH FACTS YOU FIND FOR YOU - NOT THOSE GIVEN TO YOU BY OTHERS! Journaling is an amazing why to find out who you are because the longer you write about everything around you, the type of day you hand, how you feel and why "YOU BELIEVE YOU FEEL THAT WAY" and given enough time you will find out what you are made of and it will bring you full circle and will have the ability to look in a mirror and know that person looking back at you.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO LEARN TO BE A "ME" BEFORE BECOMING A "WE."

And even years down the road when you find out who you are and you happen to find the person that you feel a closeness with that you have never felt with anyone else and it doesn't matter if you disagree on various subjects and ideals; it makes the relationship more interesting because you will have someone who is equally in possession of themselves as you are with yourself. It will create sparks that will keep you on your toes and forever searching while making certain you keep up with that person in the mirror as you grow older, your ideas on various things might change and you need to know why so even when you settle down, don't give up your "ME-TIME" because it is equally important to keep up with who you are. Besides, you can survive without the need of having someone under your *** 24/7. Not only can you survive it; you can enjoy that time just as your significant other can as well!

Your life doesn't revolve around a clock and calendar. Take your time to enjoy being single and meeting new people. It sounds like right now you are just not with the "right people." The way you talk about them tells me that these people do not challenge you. Everybody needs to be around others who challenges them. It needs to be intellectually, spiritually, psychologically, and people who can surprise you!

This was the one thing I enjoyed most about college. It was a time when I was finally around intellectuals I was able to debate points with and do so without becoming angry or starting WWIII! It is a time when you mature; it's a time when you learn to let go of the petty matters along with petty people for your own sake.

I lost count of the number of grade schools (K-12) I attended and the number of times I returned to one particular school I had people I knew but I only had close enough friends I trusted completely and those few friends were nowhere near the number I was able to count on one hand; however, I knew that no matter what, I could count on them as much as they were able to count on me.

The one thing I did do despite our hopping around over the Eastern US and Southeast and then Southwest was constantly read. Books were my salvation and the characters were my friends. I would read classical literature and go back to the same books many times over as I loved the stories. Roy Doltrice (sp?) who played Father on the original Beauty & the Beast w/Ron Perlman & Linda Hamilton, made the comment about books in an episode called Masques. It was Samhain/Halloween/Day of the Dead - depending upon where you were and who you lived around. the children were all gathered around as Father read from the scary novels he kept in his chamber. Vincent made the comment after the children were sent away despite their pleas for another story as they had work to do and then trick-treating too, of how the children had heard those stories so many times they could recite them.

Father responded by telling Vincent that he recalled him as a young boy who would never let bobbing for apples or collecting treats to sway him away from Ichabod Crane. The two men laugh over the memories for a moment and Father adds, "Characters in the stories of each book are a lot like friends; every now and again we have to stop in to find out how they are doing."

There can be no truer quote than that with regards to reading; however, please note that when I say reading, I am referring to novels where the person reading has to actually think about what it is you read. It needs to be something that requires you to read it over and over again if necessary in order to comprehend the meaning of where the author is taking you and what you think of the journey. This is why I have such a fondness for British novelists of classical literature.

It's not too far off the mark to think of life much like the meat of a classical novel. The destination is not nearly as important as the journey itself. As for what you wrote above, it seems that you are working far too hard and becoming frustrated with yourself because you aren't looking at the journey. You are trying to run for the destination rather than taking your time to enjoy life while also pushing yourself toward gaining an education as there is nothing that can take the place of secondary education (aka college years). It will give you the skills necessary to do something you find enjoyable and while you will likely have no choice but to start at the bottom to work your way up and that is OKAY! By going one rung at a time, you learn a great deal more, meet interesting people along the way, and have a better understanding of what life is like for those who will someday be working beneath you if you keep your career on track and grow with it. You will have an understanding and knowledge of the inner and lower-rung workings of the company or the career choice that it will make you a better fit later in life and perhaps even the head of your own company or business but with a healthy respect for those who are climbing as you did before them. These are the exciting days of the journey into a career that will take you toward your future and if you find something you enjoy and can earn a living doing it then it will not feel like work. It will be a career in a field and position you enjoy. People spend a lifetime wanting that kind of life but few are willing to spend time learning as much as they can; they don't want to sacrifice a weekend clubbing for a night in reading or taking a class that has the potential to be another piece added to life that will bring you closer to having the type of career that doesn't feel like a "job" because you enjoy it.

Don't be in such a hurry to get to a destination when there is more than enough time for you to do things for yourself that will benefit you now as well as later albeit for a different goal.

Don't worry about hunting down a perfect companion that will start a relationship to end in marriage. You will find that special person when the time is right and you will know it when it happens. Just as you need to learn to push up before you crawl then crawl before you stand, stand before you walk, and walk before you run - there are plenty of steps you can make now that won't leave you tumbled down on the floor because you attempted to run before learning to crawl. It's YOUR time. You can also think of now as being a part of your life when you have the chance to better yourself in every way so that when you do really fall in love, you will be able to concentrate on learning more about this special person, including whether or not this is truly the right one for you.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you should spend less time worrying about finding a girlfriend and more time making your life right, finding out who you are and what you are made of along with how far you can go toward completing the goal of working to allow yourself to work in a field you enjoy and take time to enjoy friends, not a lover, potential girlfriend, or another "friend with benefits arrangement," but rather slow down in the relationship department. If you enjoy being around people so much, perhaps you need to work toward a career where you have people who need your help. Our oldest daughter started out as a CNA I, then CNA II (certified nursing assistant) whereas our son began and continued in underground telecommunications just as my husband did. He enjoyed the work as much as my husband did when they were able to work. Our son has early-onset Parkinson's & he's tested positive for 2 of the same autoimmune diseases I have (I have four of them). My husband suffered 2 massive heart attacks & a mild stroke that required open heart surgery - a quadruple heart bypass. Due to his age & damage to his heart that wasn't repairable, he is unable to work just as I am unable to work full time or even part-time so I take contract work in writing articles, beta-testing products then reviewing them as well as consulting with various companies on the products I test, and I have served as a consultant for a couple of authors who needed a sounding board as their books are based in the fields they work in but we are on opposite sides of the table where I had the experience in specific situations and they attempted to help those in similar situations who were not brave enough to leave. I receive a consulting fee along with inclusion among those who helped be it research, which I have done as well, though in the last few cases it's been consulting only. Between these projects, I write articles that eventually are picked up by various editors or purchased by companies who pay for the right to use my work while I still receive credit as the author and I even took time to pen a novel. I have a manuscript I've been tinkering with for the last 6 to 7 years. I will get around to finishing it then working with the agent I've dealt with on my articles to attempt to get the next one published with a better, more well-known publishing company. It's okay if it happens and okay if it doesn't. And, I am still writing in my journal each day. It isn't as much of an income as I would like but with my health as it is and the setbacks I've had, every little bit helps and even more, this is what I wanted to do for a living from the time I was old enough to truly enjoy reading books with clout and ones that have stories that have withstood the test of time.

And, I still have a few hours or more each day to myself where I can find the quiet and enjoy my own company. (My husband does as well & we are better for it. I feel it's what kept us together for 25+yrs & counting) That is the direction you need to be heading for now so you can find yourself and then work to take your life in the direction you want it to go, which is somewhere that you can have a career in a field you will enjoy.

I hope this helps. Please forgive me if I happened to mix or skip then return to where I was trying to go with my response. It is not easy to write, especially when giving advice when fighting a Lupus flare. I've recently finished a double-run of antibiotics due to an infection as the result of the 4 autoimmune diseases I live with each day. During times when I am in a Lupus flare, I get brain fog and it is difficult to hold my thoughts were I want them rather than having them spread out too far as I am trying to make a point. So I hope you can forgive me if I lost my train of thought only to find it later in the response.

I feel for you so much. Hugs. You'll find someone.