Lonliness Is a Tricky Thing

I am an unusual case when it comes to being alone.

I should start off by explaining that I love companionship. I find the time I spend with people I truly care about to be the most fulfilling time in my life. For someone who takes such pride in his friendships, however, I end up nothing more than a hypocritical fool when I am forced to tell myself that I have such high standards for companionship that I could very well never end up managing to keep any in the first place.

Every friendship I've had that was special to me has, in one way or another, faded away. Sometimes it has been their own fault for doing something I didn't appreciate it, but I am mature enough to admit also that my high standards are prone to driving wedges between me and the people I want to grow closer to.

At this age, I have no plans on getting married or having a family. I also think that in general, I do not enjoy romantic companionship. I enjoy having friends more than girlfriends, because the latter puts too many unusual boundaries on what you can become. When people date, it means they're looking for a specific kind of company. I HATE that. The company I want to have is unique, not defined by labels, and can grow into fruition that not even I can predict. The friends I want can become anything to me at any time, and I love it when my friends and I experience moments like that, where we discover that there are places we are going that we never realized.

In the end, though, the standards just grow and grow until there I have an appetite for their friendship that they cannot possibly satisfied, and I;'m scared to death that this is going to happen to my best friend and I very soon. I love her to death, and I always do my best to not hold my expectations of her role in my life too dramatically, but sometimes I just can't seem to control that. I have probably made so many illegitimate and unfair demands of her over the years that it's a wonder she hasn't decided to cut me from her life because of my high friendship standards. However, she hasn't, which gives me hope that maybe we're close enough that we're able to get through this sort of thing.

Getting to know new people is hard for me, so whenever I lose friends, I almost drown in a way. The lonliness overwhelms me and I drown in it. I'm usually in very good control of myself, but when it comes to my relationships with others, when something goes wrong, even if it's something as small as not seeing someone or hearing from them for a short while, I lose my temper because I become so easily lonely.

This is a moral problem I may face my entire life. I'm easily lonely, but I alkso grow tired of people quickly. Thus, two thirds of the time I'm feeling either lonely or angry at my friends, giving me only marginal time to love them, and truly revel in my friendship with them.

If only it were easier to bond with people, or satisfy my desire for company. I can't tell if I'm a loner or a some kind of social drama maker.

I truly am lost.
WolfMarauder WolfMarauder
18-21, M
2 Responses Jun 26, 2007

Don't feel lost because I'm the same way. Perhaps it's because we lacked attention as children or something (although I don't see how that would work for me =s) but it's as if being lonely is the worst thing in the world sometimes and that it's stupid to care so much because the other person (be it friend or more) doesn't share the same kind of need. And... well, it totally sucks until you find someone who needs as much attention and work as you =)

I think it can be confusing if you seem to highly value relationships, but on the other hand your preferences are leaving you lonely... I can admit myself, that I've been far too picky at times, and others, far too undiscerning. My ex never understood how her constant need for attention was both driving me away and undermining my faith in the "rightness" of our relationship. Certainly, that wasn't the only problem, of course. ;-) Frankly, I myself don't need a whole lot of attention to feel connected... but after being in such a long stretch of loneliness, it can be somewhat warping of self. You start to panic that it's never going to happen again... and that a failure is just further proof of unsuitability or uncompatibility. If you have friendships still trucking along, try to treasure and nurture them without putting undo pressure on yourself or them.<br />
Cheers~>