I Feel So Lost

When I look back at my life I feel I've been sad so much. I lost my mom and sister when I was 13, and my dad when I was 18. I fell into a depression some time after my dad died, but I fought my way out of it. After that I didn't seem to have any emotional connection to what had happened at all, it was like it didn't matter that I had lost my family. I felt so cold inside. I was in shock.

It's been more than three years since my dad died. I just moved to the US to be with my boyfriend, and I feel the depression coming back, this time with overwhelming sadness and anger. It's hard because I don't know anyone here. I'm shy and anxious about everything, so meeting new people is hard. I miss my old friends (even though I was losing affinity with them) and I just want to break down somewhere and cry. 

I don't feel my boyfriend understands, even though he really tries to. It's hard to talk with him. I feel all this resentment towards him that scares me. I'm angry because he got a job and friends, and a life here, and I just feel like an outsider. Everything seems so easy to him. He doesn't understand how hard it is. He's at work most of the day and I find things to do, but I feel terribly alone. I feel alone even when he's with me.

I don't know who to turn to. I don't know what to do. Everything feels hopeless. My boyfriend is wonderful, but he can't fill the deep hole inside me. And I'm afraid I'll scare him away if I tell him everything thats happening inside me. How can I burden him with this? I know I'm proud. I don't want to seem weak, but I've been holding his monster inside for so long, and I don't think I can or should keep on repressing my emotions. It makes me sick. I feel nauseous all the time.

I've been trying to be strong for a long time, and it's hard to stop....

 

Windance Windance
22-25, F
5 Responses Jul 11, 2007

Wow, I really agree with Tardy Dodo--I am going through something quite similar, and what he said about "right now you have a clean slate" and "it could be the seed of a new beginning and leaving your hurtful past behind"--that actually kind of makes me feel better. I know sometimes its hard to take any advice when you are so depressed, being with someone you really love and not wanting to burden them. Its really hard. All i can say is maybe try and find a couselor/therapist, and see if they can help you through therapy and/or medication. That's what I'm doing now, and I can only hope that things will get better. I hope you find something that works for you to help you through this time. :)

Go home, girl. Familiar surroundings will bring you back to yourself.

Your story is very touching, and I have a lot of empathy for what you've gone through, and what you are going through.<br />
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Reading through your stories and thinking about your situation, I was prodded by the following thought. I suspect it is not really what you're looking for, but I think it is something worth considering.<br />
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Everything that you are facing now, is almost a blank slate. You have in front of you an almost empty canvas, and you have behind you pain and grief that sounds like it has not ever found its outlet. You also have something that is certain, and solid - your love for your fiance.<br />
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To look at it one way, it can seem overwhelming. But then, if you turn it around and look at it from a different angle, it looks to me that this particular set of circumstances could contain the seeds for your release and the beginnings of the healing of the pain deep inside.<br />
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Here is a place, after all, where you can be whomever you want to be. Nobody knows you, there are no preconceptions to hold you back, and in noise of the city there's safety in numbers. A place where you can let whatever is in you out, and where you can be the you without that inside yourself. You can take a little time not to be strong at all, to just let it all go and curl up and release. And then step out into the world again, this can be your next chapter, a genuine new beginning, both inside and out. <br />
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It is not easy, I will admit. I have been trying and struggling with something a similiar concept myself, but I do not have the support nor love of a partner as you do. :) That said, I do not have the pain of your losses either. <br />
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I wish you much luck, no matter what you do :)

Thank you grams. I felt better after writing that post :) I'm sure this site will be good for me.<br />
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I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Wonderful to hear that things has changed for you :)

I definately know what you mean, I lost my soulmate little over two years ago and it has been a hard climb, just getting out of be was a chore, things have changed for me now and I'm sure they will for you, mine changed by being on this very site trying to help and be there for others. keep your feelings flowing,and I can almost garrante good feelings and realizations will flow back to help you.