This lonliness....sometimes, I SWEAR I'm dying from the inside out.
I heard about this experiment that was conducted once, in Germany. They took a bunch of orphaned babies and split them into two groups. To the first group, they gave the normal amount of nurturing, affection and love. To the other, they had only limited contact with; just when neccesary to physically maintain their lives. The second group suffered from a condition called, "Failure to thrive" This second group of babies didn't gain weight like they were supposed to and suffered all manner of developmental disabilities! Well, that's how I feel, sometimes.
I've spent YEARS in virtual isolation. Some of it is self-imposed...because I enjoy being a lone. And, plus, with the bipolar, lots of times, I just have NO tolerance for people. But, I can't remember the last time someone in my real life said or did something genuinely kind to or for me. It makes me so sad and, honestly, I feel like one of those german babies. I'm losing weight and can never hide from the piercing ache in my gut...the undying ache for love..... for real friendship....
I have become QUITE the homebody in recent years. A lot of my staying at home started because of the overdose and my drug and alcohol abuse..from my not trusting myself and being afraid of what kind of messes I would get myself into. But, I'm not anti-social. I interact with people wherever I go, whenever I do leave the house, even if it's only to go to the corner store. I deeply enjoy the relationships I've developed within my (small) community. I'm also very adventurous...I LOVE new experiences, and usually, won't hesitate to do life on my own..by myself. (I even went camping last summer alone! It was awesome...very healing and cleansing...like fasting. I danced by my fire to India Arie's "Purify Me" LIKE NO ONE WAS WATCHING! awesome ****...that dancing like no one is watching...I highly reccommend it for every breathing soul!)
So, it's not like I'm an introvert or afraid of living. I don't have agoraphobia or anything like that. I like being at home but, i'm also just really TIRED of doing EVERYthing alone. Just last night, because I felt like dancing and had gotten tired of doing it alone for the passed three days in my bedroom, I went out to a local club....by myself! I walked straight through the door, (shook the hand of the doorman who was there to ask for id's instead of reaching for my driver's license) then walked, in a straight line, directly onto the dance floor, where I stayed until my hair was soaked with sweat and I left. I never visited the bar or the restroom. I just danced, and relished the feel of all that energy....of all those people coming together for a common purpose....to move to music. This isn't the first time I've done it. The point is, I CAN do stuff like that and find true fulfillment. BUT I AM STILL SO ******* LONELY, I COULD JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!