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Aug 10th, 2006
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T
his lonliness....sometimes, I SWEAR I'm dying from the inside out.
I heard about this experiment that was conducted once, in Germany. They took a bunch of orphaned babies and split them into two groups. To the first group, they gave the normal amount of nurturing, affection and love. To the other, they had only limited contact with; just when neccesary to physically maintain their lives. The second group suffered from a condition called, "Failure to thrive" This second group of babies didn't gain weight like they were supposed to and suffered all manner of developmental disabilities! Well, that's how I feel, sometimes.
I've spent YEARS in virtual isolation. Some of it is self-imposed...because I enjoy being a lone. And, plus, with the bipolar, lots of times, I just have NO tolerance for people. But, I can't remember the last time someone in my real life said or did something genuinely kind to or for me. It makes me so sad and, honestly, I feel like one of those german babies. I'm losing weight and can never hide from the piercing ache in my gut...the undying ache for love..... for real friendship....
I have become QUITE the homebody in recent years. A lot of my staying at home started because of the overdose and my drug and alcohol abuse..from my not trusting myself and being afraid of what kind of messes I would get myself into. But, I'm not anti-social. I interact with people wherever I go, whenever I do leave the house, even if it's only to go to the corner store. I deeply enjoy the relationships I've developed within my (small) community. I'm also very adventurous...I LOVE new experiences, and usually, won't hesitate to do life on my own..by myself. (I even went camping last summer alone! It was awesome...very healing and cleansing...like fasting. I danced by my fire to India Arie's "Purify Me" LIKE NO ONE WAS WATCHING! awesome ****...that dancing like no one is watching...I highly reccommend it for every breathing soul!)
So, it's not like I'm an introvert or afraid of living. I don't have agoraphobia or anything like that. I like being at home but, i'm also just really TIRED of doing EVERYthing alone. Just last night, because I felt like dancing and had gotten tired of doing it alone for the passed three days in my bedroom, I went out to a local club....by myself! I walked straight through the door, (shook the hand of the doorman who was there to ask for id's instead of reaching for my driver's license) then walked, in a straight line, directly onto the dance floor, where I stayed until my hair was soaked with sweat and I left. I never visited the bar or the restroom. I just danced, and relished the feel of all that energy....of all those people coming together for a common purpose....to move to music. This isn't the first time I've done it. The point is, I CAN do stuff like that and find true fulfillment. BUT I AM STILL SO ******* LONELY, I COULD JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  | Posted May 6th, 2007 at 10:00PM I love it! You are so genuine! The loneliness is horrible, but you made my day when I read about your dancing with a purpose. You proved that you are not a victim of your loneliness. I give this a 5 out of 5. +5 nods   |
 Feeling relieved | Posted Jun 7th, 2007 at 11:39PM good for you girl, get out there and dance. i've done it myself. i get to apoint where i don't care whos looking, i'm just determined to have fun. i'm very lonely too, i guess we just have to relish our own company...but it does get tiresome.. |
| Posted Oct 10th, 2007 at 6:01PM so....dancing like no one is watching is a symbol of loving oneself? HMM... never thought of it that way!!! i think i'm just REALLY really stubborn...hard-headed. i'm so friggin determined to confront the odds....i'll do "off" stuff like camp out in the woods ALL BY MYSELF when i'm sad and lonely and longing for the company of others. i really wanted to go camping. and, there was NO ONE who wanted to go with me (or no one i felt like being bothered with) so, i figured, "Screw it. this is my life. i wanna camp. i could die tomorrow. i better camp." I thought i was doing something so positive and great for myself.....something challanging and that might require some self-discipline but, by the 2nd nite, i was really wondering what the heck i had gotten myself into when i heard foot steps outside my tent that sounded more like a lurking human than a scavaging animal. but, the dancing part?!?!? oooooo!! that is just so awesome!! since the camping trip, i do it all the time...."like no one is watching" but, mostly i only do it when no one is there! still, it feels free and it's a great exercise in being yourself around others. we need to let go of stuff more often, don't you think? |
 | Posted Nov 3rd, 2007 at 1:26PM Hi - I know JUST how you feel. I know TONS of people, and am very busy all the time, but I have few TRUE friends, though. ( You know - that profound soul to soul intimacy? ) Someone once said, that if the word "intimacy", can be broken down phonetically, it can be better understood - "in-to-me-see". Get it? We all want to know, and be known. We want to be our truest selves, and STILL be loved, appreciated, and valued. The Japanese have a word - XXXX - ( I'm not even going to try and spell it. If anyone on here speaks Japanese, please help me out! ), - that sort of means "to prize above all else". That's what we want, I think. We were supposed to get that from our parents, but many of us didn't. We are supposed to get that from our spouses, but again, many of us don't - so it creates a sort of "deficit" in us- an almost unassuageable hunger of the soul. And, casual acquaintances, and lite friendships, just won't "fill us up". What to do? I don't exactly know. This is going to sound just corny as hell, but learning to be your own "best buddy" can help, but no, it does not entirely fill the need. I do admit, however, that finding a "kindred spirit" goes a long way in quieting this aching growl of the psyche. But, ultimately, we all have to learn how to "be with ourselves". +7 nods |
| Posted Nov 25th, 2007 at 9:06PM i KNOW!!! i think about that ALL the time! there's so many of us who are SO lonely...just...aching to be prized, like JusDifferent said....if we all could get together, it would be so AWESOME!! we could just cling to each other in silent love and understanding. i imagine that we'd all be so much LESS afraid of true intimacy because we'd all understand EXACTLY what each other was after. but, then again....maybe it's all easier said than done. still, it's cool to think about... +2 nods |
| Posted Jan 31st, 2008 at 8:02PM Wow! It's absolutely incredible, though not at all surprising, that a story that started out with so much despair and anguish could spawn the kind of inspiring comments that have been posted here! Avani! Thank you SO much for sharing your input! It truly touched me. Truly. Thank you SO much for your courage and FAITH!! Lord knows, we can never have enough of it. Or, more importantly: enough of the right kind of it. God would never have the opportunity to touch and move us the way he does if we never walked in darkness!! philno, thank you SO MUCH, too for sharing your encouraging and hopeful words. i love this place. +2 nods |
 | Posted Feb 9th, 2008 at 2:55PM For me I found that I also felt I was looking forward to a future of loneliness till I was in a dark spot and saw that actually when there really is no prospect of happiness then you don't even try, you get depressed. In the end, it's an annoying truth that what you want you have to work for. If you want to be happy, you can make a decision to say I want to be happy and I'm going to prioritise things that only make me happy and don't reinforce negative views of myself. So MysticWriter, even though spontaneous dancing in nightclubs makes you happy in the short-term I would recommend trying something else that may be less enjoyable but would not make you also feel more lonely at the same time. |
 | Posted Feb 16th, 2008 at 3:55PM I wrote a quick poem about this feeling with a picture to go with it... I don't know if I can post links here. http://www.instantpoet.com/?q=gallery&g2_itemId=130 |
 | Posted Feb 27th, 2008 at 5:48AM I can very well relate to your story, even about the "German experiment conducted " i came from an physicall, sexually and mentally abusive home..of 6 kids.. ( i am 2nd oldest) there was My step-dad, my mom, my older brother, me, 2 younger sister, then 2 younger boys.. by the time i was 6yrs old i was split from the family with my oldest bro..(products of another man you see our Step-Dad not wanting to tolerate someone else's kids) So off we went into the system my brother and I.. In a short time him and i were split up as well, then it was just me..I'm sure the first foster parents were very nurturing and loving, but to an unloved, abused child, to just arrive in a new home around strangers, i wasn 't going to feel the love and effection no matter how much it was...My life was pretty much like this my whole childhood and adolescence, tho i don't feel i had either, all i remember is the fact no one loved me the way i needed love, and i didn't stay in one spot to long so it was hard to make many friends (or stay close to someone special) Anyways by the time i had kids it would of been a struggle either way but i wanted a family, and single-mom wasn't against the law, but was looked down on, by the time i lost my kids the first time, i got an assessment with one doctor saying " He was suprized i LOVED ANYTHING or ANYONE" anyways just to give you an idea i know what loneliness is ALL TO WELL.. I'll stop now or i'll never stop.. Take Care and Best of Life to you and yours. *hugz* +2 nods |
| Posted Feb 27th, 2008 at 11:09AM I LOVE YOU, EMBRISSA!! |
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