In It But Not of It

I'm lonely because i got into debt and could not afford to go out dancing.  My boyfriend stop visiting me because he did not have money and no home. So he moved in with an unattractive older women who helped him to sort out his housing problem. I spend most of my nights and days alone now. At 45 with two young children I feel like im in the world but not part of it.

When I was young and had no children i would always be involved in social and community events. There was also the odd adventurous evening starting in the pub with some of my less conventional colleagues. Wow! I can remember 20 years ago like it was yesterday. Even after my first child came along My spirit of adventure continued. I could finance my adventures. fortitude in the working environment ensured freedom for 2 decades. With a total of 7 redundancies in my career history I rose to the challenge of change. Kept on getting promoted with cash incentives.

Have you noticed? I, I, I, I, I notice when i tell my story there are very few we's.  I was focused and did not want to carry dead wait in my life. You had to be going some where, be prepared to hold on tight for the ride on the harley Davidson of life or go get the number 63 bus. Most of my partners took the bus.

The world and groups of people were a great adventure to me, they are things to be explored. As i traveled through life i dived into relationships bathed and rompted in the new exiting nature of my partner and friends. I sometimes engaged them in my world of adventure until they were completly exausted.

As I get older I'm told I look younger but my spirit of adventure and fortitude has waned. Everyone i no is tired no one wants to go out late at night to have an adventure. I ain't got the cash the status or the youthfulness myself. Lets face it the streets of London aint safe in the wee ours of the morning.

Its three am, I turn over to my laptop looking longinly into its blue screen. May be one day it will be the eyes of my mature soul mate looking lovingly back over the pillows. Maybe he will want to adventure under my jungle print duvet?  So here I am lonely.

sonmod sonmod
Feb 12, 2009