Can't Think of a Title.

I have friends, but they either live far away or are busy with their own lives.  Apparently I am supposed to be 19, but I don't feel that way.  I don't share the same experiences as my peers and feel helpless.  I feel detached from society and left behind.  I am friendly, unique, intelligent, pretty [according to people, not myself] - but I am terribly shy - basically afraid of people and have issues talking to my parents and my own friends.  I don't fit in social situations - something as common as the student center at my college makes me want to run and hide in the bathrooms.  Every night I cry myself to sleep [if I can sleep].  I deal with anxiety, depression, insomnia, and general self-hate.  Sometimes I feel so stressed and ugly that I can't leave the house.  I avoid phone calls, even from my mom.  I go for days without talking - but I really do want to talk to someone.  I'm just so afraid that everyone hates me.  It's completely illogical.  I've heard and read a lot of useless suggestions.  I am currently seeing a counselor, but it's not going to instantly solve my problems of many years or even solve the issues at all.  I feel like God made a mistake when I was made a girl.  I always try to look nice - I make an effort to wear make-up and nice clothes.  But I hate it.  I just wish I were a boy.  Actually, that, and I want to lose more weight.  I try to watch what I eat but I hate exercising because I know people will give me looks and I feel that it is pretty much pointless and has no effect.  I try not to set goals for myself [I used to be completely obsessed and it just made life even worse].  I take life as a day to day experience.  Tomorrow is the future.   I can't think about the distant future "a year or more from now" because it just makes me depressed and imagine that it will be another year of misery,etc. 

I have never had a boyfriend - never even out or anything.  In fact, the guys in high school treated me horribly.  I still have nightmares about these people.  I do my best to forgive and forget, but now and then they pop up in my head.  I really want a boyfriend, but I feel it's pointless.  I don't want to live.  I try to be positive, but for the past 6 years my life has just gotten worse and worse.  I have never attempted suicide, but now and then I call the suicide hotline because I am so lonely. 

I constantly dream about how my life would be like if I were pretty, a boy, lived somewhere else, etc.  I can never be happy.  I want some real change.  I try so hard but I feel like I fail at everything.  I hate reality.  I just want to sleep and wake up and have life be better.  But I know that life doesn't work that way.  I have a lot of dreams but I don't think they will ever come true. 

iamnotthere iamnotthere
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 18, 2009

I think that I have struggled with a lot of the same issues you seem to be struggling with. I'm just going to tell you what I decided for myself and maybe it will be helpful to you and maybe it won't. I used to think my life would be suddenly better if I were different, skinnier, had a boyfriend, etc. But then over the last year I witnessed lots of much fatter people getting boyfriends and being happy. I now believe the real difference between me and them is their attitude. They are confident and happy. So I believe that I will be able to get a boyfriend, be less lonely and be happier when I am more at peace with myself and more emotionally stable. So that is what I'm focusing on, even though it is very hard, I believe that if I work on making myself more whole, more ok in my own body and life the rest will come.<br />
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Of course, all this is much easier said than done and I may not be successful. And I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just sharing my experience. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm always here.