Lonely Does Not Mean Alone

I Am Lonely,  Hmm  I guess that seems to be the story that would most describe me at this time in my life, though I guess putting down in words makes it all the more real to me. 

    My life seamed so full and satisfying for quite a while, then about 5 yrs ago my full satisfying life changed over night, I opened my  eye's and woke up to reality.  I wasn't enough for my husband and a failure as a wife.  My divorce started and I stared making decisions that changed life as I knew it.  My children were broken, I was broken and my husband the last thing I wanted to even think of.  I remarried right away to another man that only really wanted company, not me, though I was so messed up I just didn't want to be alone either.  Though my present husband is a good man and is good to me, I feel I only fill some empty places in his life.  I have tried to make the best of all of this but sadness still overwhelms me much of the time.  My children are on there own and I know still very wounded from the devastation they went through during the divorce and adjusting to a whole different kind of life.  I can never stop loving there dad, they know this, and see it when we are together.  Loneliness has been my escape in many ways,  I use it for things that i don't or cant seem to deal with.  Sometimes it is just easier to be lonely then to deal with the reality of my failures.  If I just close myself off or just put on the chosen mask for today I can make it through the day.

Dreamer4me Dreamer4me
46-50
Feb 27, 2009