hi I am 27 years old, and I have no family, no friends, and no social life. My husband is 14 years old then me. Big mistake to marry someone alot older then you. He is very controlling and wont let me have a life. I am not allowed to have friends, no facebook. I dont have my lisence. He gives me "permission" what I do and where i can go. I feel trapped and lonely. My mon died when I was 24 and she was the only family member I had. The only friends and company i have is my music. pretty sad huh. Im sorry if i sound like a downer and depressed person. I am excatly a fun and nice person to talk too. I just want a friend, someone I can talk too when I have something exciting happening or something sad.
87hope 87hope
26-30, F
67 Responses Aug 19, 2014

Your husband is not controlling you because he is older. He is doing it because he is an being abusive. Trust me I know oh he is isolating you its the first step to control. Second is to make you loose your self than he may even kill you. My sisters husband did
problem is love doe not control or tears down but builds and frees. Run don't walk to the nearest exit. Carefully...get help. Pray

I will be your friend!

You need to tell hubby how you feel and tell him to BACK OFF.

Add a response...

She's not been on here since Sept. For all we know her husband has hung her up by her heels and drained her dry through a slit throat... OK, I know that's extreme, but I don't know if we're going to see her again.

He probably found her on line. You think there is any way we could help.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I got married when I was 16 years old. I didn't have a high school diploma or a driver's license either. There was a serious power balance. Your husband should realize that you need those things to be happy. He is probably insecure and thinks you would leave if you had them like mine was. I am 56 years old now. By the grace of God I have been divorced for 30 years now. Pray that God will give you a way to find happiness, either by giving you a way to leave or giving you a way to have your husband understand and change. Keep praying. He will answer you.

No the mistake was not your hubby age it was the man. I am older and I show off a girl. Hell have even had fun getting her to flash. I love her dressed to the tee and her turning every head in the place
I an not a bit jealous and encourage her to step out and blossom. I love to see it. So not the age on

Call the police if he gives you any trouble.

Ditto to what marshall24 said, sweetie!

Can I tell you something little one. Your problem is not your husbands age it is him. I am probably older than him and I show the younger girls I date off. Hate jealousy and love to watch them bloom. When they turn every head in the place I just love it
Also having your settings set to block people with mature contact don't help contacts.

when you marry older person its like marrying your father and especially a insecure person that knows you can find someone better.your not alone millions of people are felling what you feel or something else.

Then let's talk...

Hi I'm 40 single dad need some serious affections

Hi, I'm 62 and my wife is so controlling and squeezes me to death. I know what you mean. Big mistake to marry period...Sure hope you can work things out not so much with him but in life. I'm trying to. I just left her. Can't believe that here I am once again.... damn...I just want to hug someone.

I can be your online friend if you want ..

divorce

Everyone on this thread has some very good advise. I have one important point for you to consider: "Why are you allowing yourself to be controlled?" Most people tend to look at themselves as being oppressed when in situations such as yours and some actually are. However, when someone is trying to control you, your every move, your thoughts "THEY [NEED] YOUR COOPERATION TO ACCOMPLISH THEIR EFFORTS!" It is very hard for an oppressor to go to work for 9 hours a day and keep an eye on you at the same time. During this time when your husband is away at work you have to comply by staying put until he returns home to his guard duty. Right? This may be a bitter pit to swallow but you have to recognize "your part" in helping your husband to keep you miserable, alienated, cut off from happiness, your friends, family and just living. Think about how this situation came about. Did he tell you that you would not have to work, just let him handle everything? Some women fall in love with the idea of being taken care of and their is nothing wrong with that provided that is what is being done and his intentions are simply to provide for you. However, being provided for does not mean that you are to be "kept" like an animal who may wander away so for your own good you must be "caged." When this man began to find fault with your family and or friends and always have other plans when gatherings were scheduled, these were "signs." He was attempting the old "divide and conquer" routine. He does not want outside personalities or voices to influence your thinking. In an insulting kind of way, he feels that unless other people tell you that you are in a desperate situation you will never know. It is insulting because he assumes you would not be able to figure this no-brainer out on your own. But the point is, somehow you may have complied and stopped seeing or speaking to your family and friends so much to keep the lid either on his temper or to make him happy. One huge problem aside from the obvious is, that "controllers" cannot be made happy. They are flawed, insecure people who for some unknown reason(s) are afraid to be alone and can take even the simple act of you going to a grocery store alone as an act of betrayal. This type of person needs help that "you cannot give him." This has nothing to do with love and everything to do with control. He needs professional help to get him to the roots of why he is the way he is. But he probably doesn't see anything wrong with himself so that most likely, the getting professional help, will not happen. So what I am saying is that you are an adult woman - act like one. You should not comply when he wants you to be just a pretty, silent, face without your own thoughts and opinions. "YOUR LIVING THIS WAY IS A CHOICE." Do not allow yourself to become an old regretful and resentful woman. In most cases, unless you are literally kept in a locked cage, shackled, without access to a phone, or the internet you have the option of walking out "any day you choose." Since you are on EP you obviously have internet access. Plan your exit by first contacting women's shelters who can provide you with useful information that you will need to make this transition. Contact your local police or sheriffs department and find out what can be done - if you are being held against your will or simply need them present to help you leave with your clothes etc., unharmed. Once you have given yourself some distance from your husband you need to begin immediately taking inventory of what skills you have to be employable and independent. This is where things get hard, if you have never been self sufficient, but it is rewarding to make your own money, pay your own bills etc AND WORTH THE TIME TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. There are all sorts of programs available to help you pay for getting an education, take advantage of them. Don't expect Rome to be built in one day! This transformation for yourself will take some time but again, it is worth it. Find support groups for reinforcements. Finally, "DO NOT BACK TRACK." Make up your mind "before" you waste your time and other's resources that this move is really what you want and make either a decision to stay put or a "commitment to yourself" that you will "HONOR YOURSELF" by "TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF" and acting like the adult woman that you are. All things are possible to those who believe in themselves. Good Luck.

You are right I understand there may be obstacles. I believe though where there is a will there is a way. Sometimes in life no matter what you have invested you have to cut your losses and start over for your own sanity and dignity.

oops ..actually in my origin it's a good thing to get marry someone older then u ..but i guess it's not ...well,u ve to change ur life ..if i were u ..i ll fece him i ll tell him dat I have enough , dat i want finish my study get a live as everyone else ....

If you dont like the guy divorce him.

If I was that guy I would not control you instead I'll buy u stuff all day until I'm out of money

The age difference between you and your husband is not the problem. The problem is the attitude difference. He must be a very insecure man that he has to "control: you so closely. You can have friends here on-line if you so desire. Just message any one of us and we'll talk to you. I know I'm available.

Wtf ******* leave the **** you don't need a drivers license just walk and find new friends who can help you he is abusing you he has no right to control you you should spike his macdonalds with rat poison.
HOPE I HELPED

Stand up to him and tell him what he is doing. He will realise you are more than what he has been treating you as. He is very insecure and already feels he is not good enough for you.
God Bless you. Pray to Divine - They are listening and will help.

Honey, this is horrible. Where are u from? I know how this feels-when u get ur life sucked out of u by ppl who control u completelly. I managed to get out. It was a long and hard process, but I am on my own now. U can do it too. If u need someone who understands...PM me. U will get trough this! GL! :)

thanks. im from ms

typo- i ment MD

Ok, that's good. U can get better organized help for women in ur situation in US than probably anywhere else on the planet. Get out of that marriage and start over. It only gets harder as u grow older. Contact one of centers that help women, they will help u plan ur getaway and when ur ready-go. It will take a while for u to even decide to give up on that marriage, I know, but there is nothing u can do to change him and u can't sacrifice urself just to save a marriage that is threatening to pulverize u as a person. Even after u go, it will take some time to recover from trauma, so the faster u make ur move-the better. If u need a friend to vent to, I'm here 4 u. :)

sounds like you are a prisoner and not a wife.

Can we be friends
I'm from egypt

hi but i m old too dont u mind to talk to me i m 45

Feel free to talk to me... I'm really cool

i am sorry hun

Yeah I used to be into older men. Now I like them my age.

feel free to message or talk to me anytime about anything. i have been free from a controling relationship for a year. i was in it for 6 years and he was older as well. i would love to talk to u about whatever u want.

I want to know the story behind your username. :-)

thank u i am sorry to hear that. im glad that someone knows n can understand what im goin threw

I understand how it feels to be like that.....am thirty three and I was ur age wen I was same like u than I had my mom which I would occussionally call to take out my frustation cuz I had no friends and now my mom suddenly passed away and I felt like o my god she was the one who would tell me hold on ...dont give up...one day you be very happy...I didnt understand this when I was hoping for things to get better it turned out like sky fall over my head.and now am sitting here asking myself now what?

I am so sorry to hear that. it feels like we have been abanded

Congrats now u being part of EP
u will be receiving as many request of frndshp as psb. even u wont digest it easily :P

Best time ahead
BEWARE OF FAKE AND PREVS

I will be here for you if you need it :o Im not a very "fun" person but i like too help people that wants it :3

I suggest you tell him that you need to talk, express yourself openly and tell him that you are not happy the way he wants you to live. Tell him that you are not that kind of person and needs to be free to live and that you will always be faithful to him even though you have facebook or friends. Try and talk sometimes the other person doesn't know how you feel, he just feels that it's THE WAY things have to be done. Take care and good luck

i feel for you

thats not because of the Age gap, thats because he is not a good husband. Thie can happen even with men in the sane Age as you are. But ok, it is easy to search the reason only and always in the Age gap....

I don't really think you should accept things being like that and I hope things get better and that you will be less lonely and I would love to talk with you
Though I guess you have enough people to talk with here and I don't want to be a bother

I married a much younger (15 years) woman. I guess I was looking for control in response to having been badly hurt, Guess what? She grew up. But before she did, I stole part of her life. That never goes away.
Maybe people don't have to go through this BS, but the decisions we take regarding others can't be taken back.
You're a young woman. Don't become old in this framework. There must be, even here, women who could tell you more directly what to do.
You know something's wrong, you think he's going to fix it?

This reply sounds sincere. How did you choose to move on after the relationship ended ?

Does your husband know you have EP?

Hey :) I'm 27 also. I'm here if you need an ear to bend. I hope you'll add and message me. I hate to hear that you're going through that. Stay safe =]

Can I be your freind plz add me

sure

I am very sorry you are going through this. I bet he wasnt always this way. You are not alone. You deserve better. I hope you stay safe girlie. Feel free to message me.

Just gotta question.... Was he always controlling like this or did he switch gears after you both married? He should understand that marriage has to do with a lot of respect and dignity of each other. You shouldn't be chained up like that.

Im your friend, even though i do not know you.
I hope you get out of your situtation and start living the life that you want

The effects of a wrongful marriage. Just know there is more life than what you've experienced as a married woman. Good luck finding what makes you happy.

Wow I'm sorry to hear that, it's time you took charge and grabbed life by the horns

reading your story reminds me how much of a failure I am. we could have done better...

Is ur story real or u just wanna attract attention

Kill him! lmao. No I'm playing seriously. I really hope you get out of that toxic relationship I've been there. I know how it feels. I'm hear to talk to. If you need it. Being under someone's control is just horrible ima pray for you Hun just Stay Strong!

Tell your husband ,you need freedom.if he real love you,he will change his mind .of course you make he believe that you love him so much.
Mutual trust and a sense of security is the most important

You married a ahole, best you get out now while you can

Just read ur story and my heart goes out to u...I've been true some fruity times myself....keep the head up and remember there is people out there willing to chat about anything....the sky's the limit :-D it will get better :-)

This guy gives us older guys a bad name! This guy is not for you. It's harder I know, because you are married to him, but this marriage is going to make you more and more unhappy. My sister was in one herself, with a guy controlling and unselfish like your hubby, and I just kept naggging and nagging her and eventually until eventually she split with him and then divorced him, and now she is so much happier. And is now with a new fiance and a young child and and a realtionship that is way better than the one with her previous hubby. You deserve better. The sooner you get out of the marriage the sooner you'll thank yourself for it!

I understand. Although I am not in a relationship like this, I am ignored alot and he always has something else to be doing, he never takes to do things and we don't spend a lot of time together. He isn't a bad guy he is just young and hasn't decided to make the switch to be more mature. Anyways.. I often feel as though I have no one to talk to. So if you ever wanna chat, let me know.

I understand that he may not be a bad guy, but it's making you unhappy. There are some guys who always feel insecure about their gf or wife and some are never able to get past that. The thing with some guys is they worry that if they accept letting their wives go out and have a good time, they may end up talking to a guy more handsome, smarter, funnier, maybe even wealthier than they are, and for some, it bugs them to much that they think they might lose their loved one to one, even when they should know better tor learn to trust; or else why be married, as in your case. You know yourself better than me or anyone else, so only you can decide if it is one you want to remain in. And yes, I'd be more than happy to chat anytime.

*to learn

Oh he is always okay with me going out and doing things. It's as if he wants me to go out and do something I shouldn't. But I don't have eyes for anyone else or maybe I don't think I can get one better. .. who knows. Anyways, it's hard when you have been with someone for so long but I know that isn't an excuse to stay either.

Then you should re-iterate it to him and tell him exactly that, that you don't have eyes for anyway else. Clearly, in my opinion anyway, this marriage needs working at. You have to tell him exactly how your feeling. That's what maariages are about. Don't let it go unsaid before you start feeling worse about yourself and wondering if it's going to cause problems before having a chance prevent them. Tell him you both need to spend time together. Don't just accept it as it is. A succesful happy marriage is based on comunnication and give or take, otherwise it's never going to get better than it is and could actually cause problems later. If he loves you he will accept he has to listen and try and work things through with you.

*anyone else

We aren't married. We have just been together for quite awhile. But I still think this all applies. He is well aware of how I feel and has said he will do things with or go places and he will usually do one thing with me, call it good and act like that's enough. He doesn't make a conscience day to day effort because he thinks what he does is enough, that I know. And maybe he think i am being unreasonable and like I want to spend every waking moment with him but thats not the case and he just can't grasp that. I know when he does do something he has good intentions...

Oh my mistake sorry. I thought you guys were. Nevertheless, a long standing relationship still needs to be worked at if he loves you. Doing it once in a while going somewhere or doing something with you is not enough; any man who really loves and cares for a girl is willing to do more. You have to explain to him that you don't want him to necessarily spend every waking moment with you, which is even possible anyway; even if you both could, you'd both go mad anyway lol. But you need to tell him that he needs to do more. If I didn't at least one thing a day with my gf I'd feel bad, and she makes a conscience effort herself as well. True, I have been through enough relationships over the years to know this, but for me it's always been in my nature to do so. Because for him it isn't, it's seriously something he needs to be told about and work at.

*isn't even possible (excuse my mistakes lol)

Oh trust me he has been told. and I wanna chalk it up to that's just how he is... but it's getting harder to say that.

I understand. Then I think in your case you have food for thought; to decide whether it's enough for you to stay in such a relationship.

Yea i agree. I have a lot of thinking to do.

thank u same here im always lonely

Me too. It really takes its toll on you

u can always talk to me if u need someone to just vent to

what about if ur husband or bf gets drunk and dances inaprote "freak dancing" with other girls in ur face. is that a reason for him to control me.
im not the one who grinded with another woman or man

Not at all. I don't understand why he would get mad at you if he is the one doing these things? Trying to make you jealoud? Doesn't sound fare at all. I am sorry

i dn hes dumb it doesnt make jelouae. it hurts me

Oh okay

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Why are you still married ? If he doesn't let you have friends or doesn't allow you to be free then that's not love ....I'm sure you could live your life without him

hey if your ever feeling down you can message me ok?

Why do you let him control your life like that?

Wasn't the age and being older than you but yes, controlling males do look for someone to dominate and control. Just as many young boys need the same control, wife beaters. They are threatened by a woman who needs any independence.

Very sorry you are in that situation. Is there a battered womens shelter in your area? You may not be physically abused but they can help direct you to an adviser.

I have been where you are and it is the scariest place to be. Don't worry about the license - or ask your husband if he can take you to the DMV to get a state issued ID. That is important to have. I am here to listen and help if I can. It is one of the biggest decisions you can/will ever make. Before you do anything make sure that you copy bank documents and last year of tax returns so that you have proof of where money is in case it "disappears". The biggest thing is to protect yourself even if you are the one leaving!! They say that the power in a divorce is knowledge - know where the money is, what the income is, and what the expenses are for the household. It is not being mean - just protecting yourself.

I have my learner permit. and i have the driving test sept 13, I didnt have a job last year so i dn if i did my taxes. he is always the one that does it. and thank u. yea unr right bc when i was get SSI he took pretty much everything and when he kicked me out of te house i told i paid the morage for a month and he said that i never did.

I say you should tell him if he doesnt let you just put your foot down.

easier sad then done.

Oh well doesnt hurt to try. If he says know **** it just go out exploring while he is working.

i work with him and his my ride :-/

LoL. . . Sorry to laugh but that sucks for you. Why dont u try to make new friends at work.

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I say Divorce him and star YOUR life.

Leaving your marriage can be a very scary thing. I suggest you do all the preparation that you can. Look into online classes, see if you can get to the bank and open a credit card in your own name before you split up. Prepare yourself so that you can have a new life.

Thank u for ur advice that is exctaly what i need to do. I am trying to get my credit score up so i can get a credit card. I do have a very good job. but i work with him. but hes not my boss just a co worker

I just went into where I banked and said I just needed to establish credit in my name only "just in case". They issued me a credit card with a low limit. I charged one item a month on it and have it paid off on time. He does not know it exists but it is there if I need it and building me credit and raising a credit limit annually.

so ur saying i can walk into a bank and ask? what if i have a low credit score?

If you have a low credit card you can try to get a "secured" credit card. The bank takes $200 from you puts it in an account and issues you a credit card with a $200 limit. You can charge on it and if you don't make the payment they take it out of the $200. Also you have to make sure that it is all paperless. All bills and payments are done on line. You don't want a bill showing up at the house!

I meant "if you have a low credit score"

oh ok thanks. im gonna look into that

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start working on some hobbies where you can meet people, and gain some skills that help build your confidence. when you can drive and get a job, dump his ***! unless you think there is a way for reconciliation. either way you will be a stronger person by then

Thats my plans. i do have a really good job. and i do have a car but he drives it. and no there is no way to rebuild r marriage. theres alot of things he said and done that will not b fixed with flowers or jewerly.

Looks like you are on the right path then. Be strong and wish you the best

thank u but its so hard when u are alone.

And i dont have a driver Lies

Licsense

I'd love to be ur friend and my advice to u is leave him and go live ur life with someone better bc he's not worth it and he won't be in the end

Ur right I am working on my drivers liscense

sorry cant spell

Just live independently first. Don't rush into relationship! Life must first be lived independently and enjoyed too! When it's time and you've found someone special then go ahead and bond. My advice would be, become independent and break free from this controlling guy - he has no right over you! You're an individual! You deserve dignity & respect. So best wishes! :)

You can tell us anything! I love hearing about someone's days or thoughts because it fills my life!

Thank u

Wait a minute, why is he still your husband...

Marriage is not a jail, you can easily escape

well its easier said then done. I have no drivers liesnce to go anywhere. i forgot to put that down

Never mind the license, get that later. Get the help from social services if you can, control like that is abuse & you can access help. Just get out. If you can drive drive. If you can't catch a bus. Hell drive somewhere he doesn't know where you are & take a pillow & blankets if that's what it takes. Stay strong. Women's groups make wonderful places to meet understanding friends & get support.

Thank u. I called the heartly house and they said that they can help but they cant get me transportation to my job bc its an hour away

So, catch a bus or just drive anyway & get your license as fast as you can. If you do get a ticket meantime just pay it off slowly, keeping the job is probably moreiimportant isn't it? That's for you to decide. Is he likely to find you at work & abuse you there or make you come back? I had to leave my job which I highly regret, but end of the day I had to in order to get away :/

Yes my job is very important to me. I work with him. yes sometimes he says mean things and embarsse me but i think he embarrs him self bc its mostly family members there. so he looks like an idoit I made an appointment to take my driving test on sept 13. I am trying so hard. and ive been saving some money as well.

and im sorry to hear that. no one should go threw what i am going threw.

how can i when i have no place to go. the reason i bc i depended on him and still do only for transptation

I had no place to go, so I stayed in my car. Its not so bad if you can find a place like the swimming pools to shower. If I was hard up I used soap & baby wipes in the toilets. With a phone & free WiFi for company & entertainment. It depends on how serious you are to get out. You can try refuge & public housing but they were full here. After a while some girls from my course took me in & I'm waiting on my public house. Just do what you need to do. I know I was happier & safer in my car & it can only get better. Also, counselling groups & anti depressants helped me get stronger & find the community support I need. I know its hard. But things do get better if you make them. I only wish I'd gotten out earlier.

wow im sorry to hear that and im sorry u had to go threw that. and yes u r right about that. i know public housing is very hard to get her as well a long waiting list

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