I will die alone. And that's fine.
I moved to Canada from a third world country, with my wife, when I was 30. Two years later our daughter was born. Soon after, my wife changed radically. She became, frivolous, materialistic, shallow, insecure, and her sense of logic just wasn't there. She became the opposite of the woman I had married. Soon after, she met, then married, someone she thought could "advance" her life ambitions. My new single life could have been an opportunity for a new life. I could have found me a girlfriend. I could have got a new, well-paid job in a remote location. Yet, I was concerned for my daughter, who lived with her mom. None of us had any family in Canada, and going back to the third world wasn't an option. I perceived that for my ex-wife, the priorities were first herself, second her new husband, and third our daughter. I would not allow our 3 year old daughter to end up neglected, so, caught between the options of enjoying my new freedom and "being there" for my daughter whenever I could, I chose the later. That meant I didn't have a social life. And after 35, it's not easy to make "new friends". I sucked it up. At least I got along really well with my daughter, she was a really good kid of whom I was really proud. She's now 16, and at last we're "drifting away" (it was bound to happen sooner or later). She's become selfish, rude. Not at all how she used to be. She still lives with her mom, and there's no much I can do at this point to change things. I've tried and failed as a husband. I've tried and failed as a father. Now I'm 48. Finally I have the "freedom" to start a new life. Except it's too late. Too late to get around having a "social life", too old for "dating". My family doctor advised me to "get friends", otherwise as I grew even older, it would not be nice. I know that. I'm OK with it. I was never afraid of dying (don't know what's the big deal). I look forward to it, there's nothing here on earth for me. Clinging to a "local" average job so I could be near my daughter, plus childcare and school expenses, means I have nothing saved for the future. I can pay my bills but I never have enough for any fun. I haven't gone "away" on vacation anywhere, in the last 20 years (my vacations are always "stacations") I have nothing to offer if I ever got a new "date". Not travel. No adventure. No beautiful new home. Oh yeah I'm rather good looking, have a great sense of humour (I keep the gloom to EP) I'm smart, witty, cultured. But that's all. I may be "good company" but that's not enough to advance any relatonship. So I've came to terms with the fact that I'll spend the remainder of my life alone. Just wish it ends sooner rather than later. Although with my luck, I'll probably live pass 100 years, so I have around 50 years of more misery ahead. Sucks.
wyndwhisper wyndwhisper
51-55, M
8 Responses Sep 1, 2014

Sorry about what happened.. You have my deepest sympathies. ♥️
I'm not sure how to reply, as I'm still pretty young, and haven't been through what you've been through, but please try to bare with me :P

It's amazing how much people change, for better or worse, and the atmosphere definitely has an impact. Being in a first-world country, people, more than often, take things for granted. Selfishness is an ugly sight, but most people are oblivious to what's outside their understanding. Every child usually has that "rude" stage, or so I've heard, but it's just temporary... hopefully. It's what most teens go through.
You're not too old to date! I've heard of a couple marrying in their 60s! Now that's heartwarming! :)

Anyways.. the fact that your daughter is selfish and rude, and possibly takes things for granted, is a sure sign that she doesn't understand what the "hard life" is like -in the third-world country she could have ended up living in. In a sense, that's a blessing. A blessing where she doesn't have the worries of surviving a war, while living in it, searching the dumps for food, and living past 25 (not sure where you're from, so please don't be offended ♥️)
You made it possible for her to have a new life though. And being the amazing, grateful, loving and caring father you are,- not everyone has that, I can tell you that much. In a sense, that's a blessing. With time, I'm sure she'll begin to understand though, and appreciate what she does have.

By the way, I'm not sure where you're actually from, but welcome to Canada 🍁 ^_^ You are always welcome here!♥️♥️♥️ Good luck!

Hi Arrow.. Thank you for taking your time to write (not I'm not offended at all, haha :-) I'm happy to report that my daughter is now back to her loving, considerate behavior. Yes it's a tough age, when things tend to go "not as planned" and it's rather easy to feel like "the whole world hates you". So yes, she was going through an "angry, impatient phase"... Frankly, I'm disappointed with myself, I should have seen that coming and not take it personally like I did :-P Anyway, it's all good now... Good luck to you too, and thanks for the warm welcome...! :-)

Eeehh no one's perfect ;D Everyone thinks that at least once or twice at the least :) ♥️♥️

I haven't met any father as committed as you are to your daughter.

Hi Wyndwhisper... I am so sorry you have had to go through such a painful time. Life can really suck sometimes. A lot of women who come to Canada for a better life (sorry... you are probably not in Canada but I am sure you get the gist of it) somehow lose track of what is important in life and ruin their families. I really sympathize with you especially since I too feel it is too late for me. But in reality IT IS NEVER TOO LATE... Best of luck.

Hi Sue... Thank you for having taken your time to write. Yes I'm in Canada actually :-) And it is true what you say, I've heard many instances of women coming to Canada with their husbands with noble hopes of raising a family etc but something happens and eventually material things, social status, start to matter more than anything... Maybe it's the weather...? More likely, it may be the fact of being surrounded by "better off" people who don't have to start from scratch like most immigrants :-P Maybe "it's never too late", time will tell... Good luck! :-)

Hi WyndWhisper... by the way... I love the name you have chosen for yourself :) I don't know if it is the weather (lol) but in Greek we say "piran aera ta miala tis"... this translates to "air has entered into her brain" - it loses in the translation... :( --- Anyway my friend... there is a lot of hope for you because you are still young. Don't focus too much about what you have to offer a woman... A good woman will be happy to have found a good man and will focus on that and not on what you can provide for her. Best of luck WyndWhisper :)

You're 48, not 78. You have loads of time. Just get out there; stop moping around and go socialise. I'm sure there are clubs and societies in your area that you can get involved in. The more time you spend sulking though, the more time you are wasting.

Yes I understand your point. But trust me, in our society any man over 45 is just taking up space and shunned (unless he's wealthy). It has been my experience. The world belongs to the young. You'll understand when you're my age. You'll remember this post. I used not to mind my age at all, then I realized that everyone else did... :-P But I'll take your advise and "stop moping around", Thanks for taking your time to write...

I'm sorry, I realise now I sounded so harsh and a bit rude. I just meant you should try not to think about the negatives and make some positives. I'm only saying it because I used to be just like that but once I started getting out more, life improved. But I guess our ages effect that too.

No worries, no offense taken. You were right, I needed to hear that ("no moping around" etc...! :-) Thanks again... :-)

Oh dear boy,, you have so much going for you,, your young yet,, get a better paying job,, be happy and thankful for the things you have,, it could always be worse..you never know when love is right around the corner,, your way to young to give up.,you have to keep trying and looking...

Thank you daisy. "It could always be worse" yes that's for sure (often it does get worse haha...) I'll keep looking, but I won't hold my breath :-)

You don't have any other family that cares?
For me that's a problem. They just keep me alive.
And over the years I get more annoyed and selfish. Annoyed that they're the only ones who bother coming over. I told them to stop.

That's an interesting question. Yes I do have family that cares (I think) but they live overseas (my parents). When I was going through my divorce, I turned to my parents for support and to vent. That's what's family for, right...? Except that everyone else (including my brother) told me that "I shouldn't bother my parents with my personal problems". So I stopped talking about anything "negative". Since then, I only mention funny and witty anecdotes to them. They probably think I'm having such a great time that I don't have time to write or skype. But the truth is that I've ran out of "good" stuff to tell them... Hey don't you feel lucky that you have family that bothers coming over...? At least "someone" cares right...?

I'm sorry about what's happened to you. Your daughter was lucky that you stayed close to her, because in a divorce more often than not one parent is lost. Then again, I don't know if she had her mother either. Adolescence is something that can change a person and with proper guidance, it can be temporary. Try to still be there for her, as she grows up.

As a sixteen year old girl myself, I can say personally that even if I snap at my parents sometimes, I always feel awful afterwards, and I make it up to them. In my case, as I grew older my parents distanced from me, but that was only because of my sister, who has mental health problems and tried her hardest to make sure life is unhappy.

I'm also adopted, and I had the pleasure *sarcasm* of watching my birth mother get shot by my alcoholic father. The police came that day, and I'll never forget it. On top of that, my parents (I don't see them as adopted, because frankly someone who beats his wife and daughter is no father to me) are old... My dad is 75 and my mom 72. I'm so afraid they're going to leave the world before I'm ready, but in reality I'll never be ready.

I've always felt an overlaying sense of loneliness somewhere, unless I'm with my parents or my close friends. And as depression took its hold over me, I knew I wanted to help other people from feeling the same. I'm needy with those I care about, because I don't want to loose anyone.

My advice to you is to embrace other things, try new hobbies and find something fun/interesting that you can do, with a group or without. Maybe try making friends over the internet, and who knows where things will go from there! If you like, you can talk to me if there is anything else bothering you. :'3

Thank you MyGlowstone. Wow, talk about putting things into perspective. Your note meant a lot, coming from someone my daughter's age... Her mom has been the kind who only talks to her daughter to complain, criticize, nag. Not a supportive mother, she only seems to see the "negative" things in people. My daughter has lots of qualities but her mom never acknowledges that. According to her mom, she's a horrible daughter, just because she's different (different taste in clothing, in music etc.... nothing "bad", just "different"). I always stood up by my daughter if I agreed with her point, but lately it seems that after being repeatedly told how horrible she is, my daughter has decided that, what the heck, she may as well *become* the terrible person she's told she is. I've heard that 16 is a hard age (yes 16 was hard for me to) but there has been a bit of a communications breakdown between us recently. But well I for sure will be there for there if she needs me, we'll see... :-\

Hi YoureMyGlowstone... your post made me cry... maybe because I have adopted two children myself. Anyway, I just want to tell you that your words of advice are heartwarming and come from a young lady who is very wise for her years. I really think you are an old soul. I am sure you will make a difference in many people's lives. Take care and when the time comes for your parents to leave you, just remember that they never will... they will always be with you...

Thank you very much ;w; You seem like you're a very wonderful person, and no one can ever really be alone, can they?

No.... no one is ever alone... but when we are going through our pain, those words don't help very much. :(

YOU sound like a wonderful person... I am sure you are grateful for your parents but THEY ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE A DAUGHTER LIKE YOU. God bless you all. xo

1 More Response

I'm so feeling your pain - I wish I could help. Unfortunately (for me) I feel like my life is following yours (moving to a different country, kids, wife changed and upcoming divorce). I'm also wishing to protect my children...

Sorry for not being able to help you :-(
Do you have any suggestions for me, what you would've done differently now?
May God give you strength and guidance in this hardship!
Feel free to chat with me, should you wish to.
All the best, Attila.

Hi... Thanks for reading and for the kind words. Do have a social life. I hope the divorce is "amicable" (like mine was). Talk to your ex, make her understand that the kids can't get caught in the middle, yet you'll need "a life" in order to function as a human being. I thought I should "sacrifice, sacrifice" everything for my daughter. Yet maybe I pushed it, I could have found a balance between "being there for her" and "having my own life". Yet, I'll never know. Each life is different. Maybe if I had pushed for my own life my daughter would have ended messed up and I'd feel guilty about it...? I don't know... Perhaps the best is to follow your heart, do what you think is "right" so at least you won't feel guilty about it. In all, that's how I feel: disappointed, yet somehow proud that I tried doing the right thing...

Thanks for answering and for your sage words!