Lost Inside My Life

I am going through a really rough time in my life right now.  My mother died in November '08, and I had taken care of her for the past 3 years so that she didn't have to enter a nursing home.  While I don't regret my decision to care for her at home, I basically gave up my life for three years. 

Back in '05, my area was devastated by Hurricane Katrina, and my job was literally washed away, so I was at loose ends in my life at that time.  However, now that the economy is in the basement, I'm finding it very difficult to find a job.  My personal life tanked also due to the isolation.  The man I had been dating couldn't accept that I could no longer go out to dinner and a movie or meet him at the bar for drinks, and he bailed.  We weren't seriously involved, so I was ok with it at the time.  At this point, I'm not even sure if I'm emotionally able to sustain a relationship or not.  To compund my isolation, most of my friends with whom I hung out stopped coming around and didn't even attend my mom's funeral to give me support.  While I guess it's a good thing to discover that they were only fair weather friends, I am left with some trust issues that I'm still working through.  Basically, I feel very lost and alone.

I'm very worried about my financial status, as I used up all of my savings during mom's illness and relied on her pension to survive.  The money is now all gone, and I am desperately trying to meet the monthly bills.  I am very, very depressed and full of anxiety.  I'm sure I need medication, but lack health insurance and have no money for a doctor.  I'm used to being able to take care of myself, and this is freaking me out.  I have no family except for a daughter in her 20s who is struggling to make ends meet herself.  She is not very supportive either.  She could have helped me sooo much with her grandma and instead chose to keep her head in the sand and not deal with the situation because she knew that I would handle everything.  I realize that she is young, yada yada yada, and I try not to resent her for what she chose not to do.  The past is the past, and I need to look to the future.

I'm not really sure why I'm even here, except that I don't know what to do with myself and my life.  I'm not used to being such a hot mess, and it scares the hell out of me.


suigeneris suigeneris
1 Response Mar 11, 2009

My wife is coming up on an entire year that she has been caring for her 89 year old mother every night. The not being able to go out to eat ever or to see concerts etc. does get old quickly. You say your daughter is also struggling would both of you be better off financially if you got a place together?