I Feel So Alone

I am lonely in so many ways. I used to have to a busy shedule and lots of friends. But since becoming disabled i have lost most of my friends and rarely go out.

I think i am become a bit of a recluse. Most days i just cant be botherd to get dressed because it caused too much pain. i do have friends and family that care, but sometimes i just want to be alone. I avoid answering the phone because i cant be bothered to talk to anyone....how stupid is that....and i dont know why i do!

I live alone with my 2 little yorkies, they are my best friends. I do have a boyfriend of 6 years, but i dont love him the way he loves me. I had a troubled abusive childhood, 2 failed marriges due to abuse...all my boyfriend wants to do is love me. And i couldnt manage without him, he does my shopping cleaning etc. But thats it...no romance...no loving...no action in the bedroom for over 3 years. He just isnt like that, he was a virgin when i met him, he just isnt manly at all. i do love him, but as a friend only. When he stays (2 nights a week) he just irritates me. Everything he does or says irritates me, i hate myself for feeling that way toward him when all he wants to do is care for me. he sleeps on one side of the bed and i on the other with the dogs in between us. He never just cuddles me or shows any affection. I think he had a rather shy upbringing!

All i want is for someone to cuddle up to me and watch TV. Someone whom i love for all the right reasons. i guess due to childhood i just need to be hugged to feel safe. I'm so lonely but i guess i bring it on myself. Its just that when my pain is really bad i WANT to be alone....how sad am i?

I dont think anyone will ever understand me...i dont understand myself.

mollym35 mollym35
41-45, F
3 Responses Mar 12, 2009

slowly talk about this with him - There is always support groups

It sounds like you need to re-think your relationship with him. Do you think that he might be gay? Sounds like he really cares for you. You really should get out more , you will feel better.

oh i think you might need to get out a little more. its not good to be in the house all the time.