I Am Nothing

I feel like I am ****, I am nothing. I withdraw from everyone, I completely distance myself and now I feel miserable in my isolation. Why do I do it? Why am I unable to make friends? Why am I so unapproachable? Why do I not let people in? Why do I push away the few people who are so unbearably loyal and good to me???

I think I know why but it is hard admitting it. I despise myself and I am so terrified that if people get close enough they will see how pathetic and lost and boring I am. I don't think I can explain in words the extent of my self-loathing. I have no desire or ambition to do ANYTHING. I spend days at home, wanting to escape from the world. I don't want to face the smiling faces, the happy, content people who find so much in life to live for- my world is so different from theirs and I don't want to be reminded of what I don't have every time I step outside.

My problem is that in my 20 years of being on this earth I have not come any closer to understanding it or understanding myself. I have no idea who I am... what makes me tick, what makes me excited, even what I like or don't like. What defines me? Nothing. I have no attachment to this world....honestly I don't. Everybody sees me as the good, quiet, innocent girl. But I am not that way by choice- I have just passively allowed myself to be sheltered and distanced from rebellion and drugs and all those other corruptive influences. And I regret it, oh how I regret it. Nothing would please me more at the moment then to be led astray- I want danger, I want violence, I want corruption. I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

muffintop muffintop
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 15, 2009

I have a problem expressing my toughts so I will put it plainly.Muffintop you are I.I wish I could express my self like you did.I feel dead.There is nothing for me out there.I don't know who I am.Am I alive or not?I keep pushing away people who care about me because I don't want to hurt them.I stay all day inside destroying myself.I don't know what else to say.You express me so deeply that it hurts

So go for it. Seriously.<br />
<br />
I had a period of my life that was not dissimilar from what you describe. Maybe not as bad, but certainly horribly isolating and depressing.<br />
<br />
My solution was self-destruction. Drinks, smokes, drugs, promiscuous unprotected sex, all sorts of crazy ****. If nothing else, they're all excuses to get out and have fun. Yeah, it sucks sometimes, but it beats shutting down and isolating yourself.<br />
<br />
It's a perfectly legitimate lifestyle, though a somewhat dangerous one. Violence was never part of my mix, but if that's something you want, seek it out. Just, be careful not to end up an addict to anything bad, or a crime statistic.

Trust me, you don't want violence or corruption. I'm almost 20, and I find myself feeling like you do occasionally, we all do at some point!<br />
We're human, we have flaws, we get bored, lonely, fed up with things, but it's just life. It's just life. Get out there, be who you want to be, do what you want to do, but you don't need to resort to things like that in order to be happy. I stopped looking for reasons why I was unhappy and focused on the good things in my life. Sure we all have crappy days, but they're insignificant.<br />
Look after yourself, find people who make you feel good about yourself, and most of all, live like there's no tomorrow, because it all ends at some point.