Lost and Alone

I have never been a very open person, but one person started to bring it out "Jessica", a close friend who i liked for years, we finally tried the relationship... broke up due to her cheating.  didn't talk for 9 months, i went into a depression and just wasn't myself, dating the wrong girls, hanging out with destructive people and just tearing myself up.  I thought i was at my wits end, family, friends, and any acquaintances seemed to turn their back on me at my most needed hour.  I had nowhere else to turn, so i contacted "Jessica".  She came back a different person, she tore down her walls and dropped her pride to put her heart on the line for me.  I was still in a bad place, i had what i always wanted in front of me but i couldn't give my heart to her.  I tried to change, to go back to the person i was, but i was soo far in a hole that i just couldn't seem to get out.  I ended up pushing everyone away from me.  I had no one to turn to, but "Jessica" stood by me and held my hand.  Even still i couldn't release the lock on my heart... it started to hurt me.  I eventually ended up hurting "Jessica" soo bad that she couldn't even look me in the eyes.  I busted my *** to leave that person behind, but the changes i made were soo small and subtle i didn't even notice them.  By that time i had hurt everyone that i cared for.  I had become something that i couldn't even recognize in the mirror.  I fell apart, but still "Jessica" kept lighting a fire under my *** to keep me moving and not let me lag behind.  In the end we had to give up on the relationship to save our friendship.  But now i fear that i have lost my Best Friend in the process.  I cant function throughout the day without something tearing me apart.  I cry everyday because my heart is dying, i don't know what i can do to fix what i have done.  I barely talk to "Jessica" anymore, she was the one person i could trust, now I cant trust myself.  I just want my Best Friend back, but i don't know if i can get her back. 

Big3D Big3D
22-25, M
Aug 21, 2007