Confused and Lonely

I am at a crossroads in my life.  About 6 years ago i left my hometown to go to school in Los Angeles.  I was 18, had an O.K. job, lived in a dump with 5 other schoolmates.  But i was happy, i was living my dream, i was in Los Angelas starting college and my future.  Well while i was up there i met a girl named "Jamie".  She was a total fireball, very outgoing, smart, beautiful, elegant.  Just something completely out of left field, me and her decided to persue a relationship.  Well shortly after my family had a "crisis" of sorts, and i had to move back to my hometown, I regret that decision everyday of my life.  I left soo much in Los Angeles, school, friends, job, car, and not to mention a perfect girl.  Well me and "Jamie" still continued our relationship, i would go down to L.A. every weekend to visit.  Then it became every other weekend, then every month.  We dated for about 6-7 months when she decided that she couldnt take the pain of a long distance relationship anymore.  We decided to stop seeing eachother, but we stayed very good friends.  Throughout the years we became very very close friends, i met her new boyfriends and potential boyfriends, wanting all along to be "the boyfriend" again.  I would constantly day dream of us.  But had to be a good friend and keep it friends.  Throughout the following years we talking constantly and she was proposed to, i felt my heart drop.  All i could say is im happy, i started to distance myself from the situation.  I called her 2 months later to find out how she was doing, and she had not accepted the proposal, but she was very distraught and upset over something.  So i decided to go down and visit her, i met the boyfriend and i could feel the tension in the air.  They fought constantly while i was there, i felt very uncomfortable.  While i was leaving she gave me a hug and whispered something in my ear "Im sorry"  when i got home i called her, and on the way home she and her boyfriend had broken up.  She had become a mess, the next 2 years would tear her apart.  I tried all i could but i could not get through to her, she was trying to destroy herself.  Dating one guy after another and not giving herself any time.  She eventually started dating a man who would become her babys father, a man who would tear her life apart.  She fought constantly with him and his family, and he fought with her and her mother.  The relationship became very dangerous at times, i tried to help her.  But she refused any help i offered, then when the pregnancy came up it only worsened.  This man would be in her life for a long while, and she became very confused and thought that she would have to marry this man for the baby's sake.  I eventually talked her out of it, but i fought with the babys father everytime i would talk to her... it was taking its toll on me.  I made a stupid decision and walked away from her, i cannot forgive myself for doing that.  Well the baby was born and there is still drama with everyone in her life.  I decided that i was stupid and came back into her life, i was gonna be there for her from now on.  Now in the present her baby is 8 months old and the baby's daddy has not changed.  I came down for the weekend of her birthday, and did anything and everything to shine a little sun in her world.  I made sure that she never had a frown on her face the entire 3 days, i am sore, sunburnt, and tired, but it was all worth it.  While i was visiting we began talking about a relationship, we talked alot about it.  I brought up the point "Should we try this 'IN' a relationship or 'WORK INTO' a relationship?"  We decided to work into a relationship, she said she was at a very vulnerable point and that it had to be taken slow, i didnt mind as i understood.  Well that is up to the present, the reason i am confused and lonely is because i am confused as to what i should do.  In my previous story i stated that i nearly lost my best friend because we tried a relationship that didnt work.  I do not want to go through that again, but this situation is a different one.  I have the chance to build off of a strong friendship and work into a relationship, so i feel very lonely.  I cant talk with anyone in my life because they dont know what happened during the weekend and i need to keep a biased opinion.  Going into this relationship will be making a lifetime decision, i will be moving back to Los Angeles and continuing my school.  I just dont want to lose another friend

I am Lonely because i have no one in my immediate life to turn to right now and i feel adrift in a huge sea of decisions, the only one who i can talk to is "Jamie" and its hard for me to talk over the phone about this subject

Big3D Big3D
22-25, M
Aug 21, 2007