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Lonely College Student? What?

I'm 20 years old and in college. I should be having the time of my life, right? I should be out mingling and partying and meeting new people daily...right? I'm not. I'm really not. It's Saturday night, 10:30 to be exact and I've been sitting here just trying my darndest to convince myself that I'm a normal 20 year old college student. But I'm not, I'm really not. I'm 5'6, 135 lbs, blonde haired and dark brown eyed. I'm pretty, maybe not beautiful but I'm pretty. So why can't I meet a God-damned person? Why can't I have friends and boyfriends and people who call me to hang out? Why?

I stay cooped up in my stupid apartment...going out only for class and food. I stay hidden here, away from the world because I'm scared to go out. Why? I really couldn't tell you. I'm scared of uncomfortable situations and awkward silences. I'm scared of bad conversation and sounding stupid. And you know what? I'm increddibly...increddibly lonely. But you know what? As scared as I am of being alone forever, I'm even more scared of not being alone. What's wrong with me? Who thinks like that? I keep people at an arm's length because any closer and they could hurt me. But, keep enough people far enough away and soon enough those people are going to go and find people who will embrace them. And soon enough I stop keeping people at even an arm's length because even they walk away.

Please, please if anybody can in anyway (and hopefully a major way) understand this and connect to this, please contact me. I honestly think that I'm alone in doing this, acting like this. It's so abnormal and crazy that I feel like the only person in the entire world that feels this way. Am I?

escritor93 escritor93 18-21 430 Responses May 9, 2009

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Nope , ur not alone at being 'lonely' ... But sometimes i enjoy it ... Try enjoying it , itll makr u feel better , dont look at the glass as half empty look at it as half full .
Dont socialize have a pizza watch tv ... Who cares ? Be wierd stay in your own cause beleive me even out there no matter how much people support u its always u alone who has to face things ... No matter how much u try to get support its always lonely one dats gets the grills ... So stop complaining & enjoy ...

U r brave I think. I myself am, having this experience, lonely days, ticking clock and waiting for something interesting to happen, I waste my time in stupid things while I see my counterparts having fun, it takes hell of confidence to do tht. But there ain't any sol to how u live ur life cause u want to live it tht way, only once a while v get insecure of wt v do is not right cause Thts not wt others do. I love my solitude filled life and I feel i m wrong, but it's not always right to be not wrong.

you aren't alone at all! I feel like that all the time. I send most of the time writing poems, short stories and novels. Well but I love it...... weird right? I tried to date but it lasted for 3 good days I just feel as though it's not my thing.....but sometimes I just feel that I need to change I feel out of place...maybe it's all in my mind...

Hey sweetie your alone
Just be yourself thats all and you will attract the right people there are enough sheeps lol your not the only one who feels this way alot ofpeople feel this way but dont change yourself so you could blend in show them your real personality and dontcare whagt people think or how they will judge you. Who nos maybe they would love your new personality. I would say keep yourself busy with activities or join a group and if you feel the need to share problems with someone seek for a councillor. Try and come out of the shyness and be more open, talk to people around you. Infact go on google and type in how to make friends and look at the advices I no it sounds stupid but give it a go

I don,t mind being alone in today s world.I don,t get bored because I keep mys elf busy and active...

22 year old nursing student and I made the decision to live alone to cut out distraction. It was great for a week then I find myself referring to myself as "we."-kinda creepy. I have one more semester then I'm never doing this to myself again. I have become too comfortable with isolation that I get very easily overwhelmed in social circumstance-even coming home to my family. It's not healthy psychologically. emotionally and physically. If I were you, go out. meet people. you're young and should act like it while you can. You will regret it if you don't.

I totally get your feeling. I've been single for two years, and I broke up with my girlfriend because I was going away to college.

I now go to a college 30 min away from home, and live at home. I have friends, but plenty of time to sit...and think.

I used to relish this. I was quite antisocial as a boy, reading, watching tv, playing games. It's how I became who I am. But now, I hate being alone with myself too long. I have self-image issues (I'm about 40 pounds overweight, and it shows), self-loathing issues, and am a general pessimist. I hate that I can't share all the things I know and things I want to know with others. I have a lot of friends, but many of them aren't as intellectually/philosophically inclined as I am.
I wonder if it was right to break up with my ex. We had a lot in common. A lot.

Did I just miss out on my soul mate? I normally don't subscribe to the idea, but it scares me.

As a music major, it's pretty damn impossible to escape the music building. Classes, homework, rehearsals, concerts. Plus work (back at home.)

I'd love to meet someone...but I'm incredibly shy around new people. It's where my introverted side is most obvious.

I definitely understand how you feel. I'm a confident, intellectual, proud 20 year old man...yet some days I feel like a flea.

I'm lonely, too.
Not as bad as you - my course is fine and I have friends at university.
But once again, like last year, (I studied at a Uni for a diploma) I am alone when I go to my halls - I don't know anyone outside of my flat, and my friends live far away.
I'm 19 y/o, tall, healthy. I'm not beautiful, but I don't think I'm ugly either.
Yet I've never had a boyfriend and I struggle to make friends at Uni.
Sure, course friends is great. But halls are a different story - halls are the domain of loud parties and drinking to excess, neither of which I enjoy at all. My course is extremely demanding so I'm out working most of the time, which means I'm back late and tired every day.
I'm actually very shy when meeting new people, and I've been told it comes across as haughty and rude, even though that's the total opposite of what I want.
I made some very good friends in a society last year which opened up my Uni world, but this time the societies I applied for fell on their face (My course schedule clashes completely) so I had to drop out.
I went from a caring friendship group and the best society in the world to 1 friend who lives far away.
I don't know how to do romance and i don't know when someone is hitting on me or just being nice.
My friend from out of school, my closest and oldest friend, is drifting away from me as he becomes a student and there's nothing at all I can do about it.
My university room already feels like a lonely hole and I've been here for 4 weeks.

I thought my loneliness which I got when I left home for Uni last year would get better over the summer and at my new university, but it's still here.
It feels like a physical hole in my chest and it makes me want to curl up into a little ball.
I drown out my sorrows in drawing and artwork and music and television, but it's still there, eating at me.
I long for some sort of intimacy, some sort of reassurance, someone to touch even, but there isn't anyone. I come from a family who hug each other at least once a day, and going for two weeks or more without human contact is so hard.

I do have friends, that's what I don't get.
Why do I feel like this?
Why do I feel so black sometimes?

I know how you feel believe me. I'm a guy who got really sick my first year in college and my gf dumped me the start of summer. Now im a sophomore and i felt the same way you did going into college... I felt alone. But what I did was I forced myself to realise that nothing is wrong with being alone, you really find yourself when you're alone. I'm a pretty social guy but being alone really made me feel awful, but I worked on it. I eventually became comfortable with the fact of being alone and enjoying my own company... Doing things I want to do myself. It really is a great experience being alone. That being said, being social is a part of life that we all need to really utilise. Your problem maybe that you aren't comfortable with yourself as a person and don't really know yourself. I'd recommend spending a few nights or a week or two at home just really thinking about who you are and what you want your college experience to be like. Really think about it and then put in the effort to do exactly what you want one step at a time. If you want to make friends, an easy way is to ask someone for a pencil or something in class and just talk. I understand you aren't comfortable with awkward situations, but the only way you'll learn to be better at them is if you put yourself out there and really try. Don't worry, there are tons of people out there who feel the same way you do. Hell I'll probably feel like that again at some point. It really is okay. Just work on yourself one step at a time even if its not a huge step, its still something... The great wall of china wasn't built in one day, it took a lot of small perfectly placed bricks to build it. Start with your first brick. Good luck, and you'll be fine, you just need to find yourself, I used to google "how to be okay with being alone" or "how to improve my self esteem and conversation skills."
Stay classy:)

Hey I totally agree with you to be honest I felt the same way where I felt like I was alone and found it difficult to make friends because I was shy and quiet and found it hard to speak up to people because I thought I would be judge and never felt like I could be myself and tried to blend in and it came up to a point where I fell into depression and then decided to seek for a councillor. I thought I was the only one who felt like this and maybe people would not understand what im going through but now knowing im not the only one and looking for advices that you gave makes me feel really comfortable

Look if u guys don't go out nd meet new ppl the how u gonna be free this is not gud coz going out and meeting new ppl make u feel happy and you can understand the difference between bad and gud ppl

I totally agree with you nd u got a point however for a start people find it difficult to even make friends and be comfortable around others and to open up

Do you know if you are an INFJ?

I am an INFJ.. and I agree with what she said Im a bit of a loner, as much as I want new friends I find it hard to just "put myself out there" especially with how people are these days so ingenuine.

Probably no one will see this but I'm on my dorm floor about to chug a bottle of ibuprofen and die a slow painful death because of about 90% of this

I am the same way I really have nothing for you, I go to college and only do my work. People try to talk to me and I put my ear buds in. I work at a grocery store and even in my ****** looking uniform girls will hit on me. I just pretend like I dont notice. I'm scared to go to bars. I have no friends and I dont know how to fix it because I am too afraid of people.

You know what I was exactly like you I was to afraid of people and I felt like running away and hated when people use to even look at me and thought that people will judge me in every way but do u no they feel the same way as you do. We all feel this way. I think your in depression I suggest go and see a councillor because that what I did and it really helped me build my confidence. Go on google and type how to deal with depression or why you afraid of people that wpuld really help

omg I am just like you i am always alone, my life seems meaningless and feels like no one except my parents cares about me, I can't keep conversation going and I am just afraid of talking to people. this world is so mean

Yh I use to feel this way just as u do felt that my life is meaningless and felt this world is not for me and thought that im boring and cannot keep conversation goin and was really really quiet and thats whu I always felt left out but I stop being this way. Go on google and type in how to make friends and trust me it helps and also go and see a councillor that would hel p you open up more

I was like that when I was 20 and in school. I used to be an outsider. No friends, no one to talk, only got out of my room for classes or for food. I was like that at 13. I dreamed to have friends one day, to go to the party and have fun. I hoped that when I would be a little older, I would have friends. I was 20 and was the same. Hope slowly began to wade away. I'm 27 now and still the same. Hope gone long time ago. I'm smart, educated and good looking. I keep people on arm's length, because I afraid to be hurt. They think I'm mean and full of myself. I'm not. I spend my evening alone talking to myself. I am my only friend. I am alone in this world with milliards of people it's just me... alone...

I'm 24 and still like that. I'm also a little crazy and I don't meet people often nor do I keep them around for long. I also don't do well on my own b/c I am too easily freaked out by things. I'll have some interesting life choices to make and it sounds like you do too. Hang in there and find people whom YOU like and get along with easily. Friendships/ relationships shouldn't be forced. Good luck.

Wonderful post, look at the people you have opportunity to connect with and have with more depth than it sounds like at your university. What seems to be the difference? Well it's not just a computer screen and some distance that has attracted people here to want to relate to want to understand why you feel that way.

It's because you said something open, honest, and that everyone here can connect with. We walk around outside too yah know, there are people at your campus that feel the same way. The odds of you two meeting would be pretty little if they have regressed to hibernation of sorts...but they go out for food, they linger in the library, and add a more universal touch to this, even the most popular, outgoing, sociable people you meet. Feel lonely if they don't have someone that is close. Talk to people with open honesty. There is no such thing as bad conversation when you talk about something that is real, true, and an issue. Ideas create some of the highest forms of communication you can have. If the person happens to be rude to you? Mean? It's not due to bad communication or conversation, it's their own insecurities, it's their own character faults, it's something that you should easily separate from.

My advice to you is this.... nothing. Stop trying to "blend" and just be yourself. If you're an introvert, be that. Contrary to popular opinion, they're not losers and social misfits.
I think you're depressed because you think you should "be like everyone else". Sweetie, you're at the beginning of the journey. Don't go out and seek another personality and duplicate it. There are already too many sheep in the world.
Be you. In all your weird, mysterious, hidden ways. Who knows? You may just meet people you can genuinely connect with. Maybe a young man cut from the same cloth?
I REPEAT. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

Your so right just be yourself and then you will attract the right people. Like I said early pn my post

Hey. Are you an only child ? Do you have distant relationship with your parents, who had a dysfunctional marriage ? You're not alone. I'm in exactly the same position.

Exactly we all feel this way we all feel lonely in some form or the other. Even the people who got instagram or Facebook. People who upload pics on social networking site most of the time they feel lonely or bored. Your not the only one be thankful for what you got. And if u really needa make friend be yourself and you will attract the right people

You sound like me when I was at college. I'm also 20, female, blond(ish) hair and brown eyes (not that it makes a difference, just thought I'd mention!). I'm incredibly lonely these days too. In fact, I have been for a long, long time, but for some reason I keep pushing people away... Don't worry, you're not the only person in the world that feels this way, believe me! I'm exactly the same. I have friends, but I never make a move to ask them if they want to meet up or anything because I'm also scared of awkward silences, not knowing what to say, seeming stupid, being over-aware and overly concerned about how I'm acting and what people think of me, and above all I'm always afraid that who I'm with is not enjoying my company or thinks I'm boring or something... (which I don't know why I think that because plenty of my friends seem to like me). Maybe you just need to find someone that you can tell all this to and won't judge you for it - someone like you - and they like you for who you are anyway, and they don't care about 'awkward' silences etc. Maybe that's why this website/forum is a good place to be :) I like how during the signup process it said 'Welcome Home' :)

And now I just saw that you posted this in 2009?! hahahahahahaaaa what on earth! Are you even still on here? What's going on??? heheheeee this always happens to me...... Reply back if you're still on here ;)

Umorella, I came across this thinking the same thing. I think we can all agree that we're (somewhat) attractive :) - but I find it hard to stay motivated recently I keep thinking about "what's the purpose" "why should I bother" etc. and though I'm aware they're negative questions to ask - I still do and they just bring me to conclusions of being alone (hence me being here) ...I'm 20yo going on 21, in college called an "over achiever" yet - people seem to hate that. Hmm...

Haha, it's not often you come across "over achiever"s these days :) I'd say good on ya! The people that hate others who do well in their studies are just jealous, and not worth making friends with anyway... Don't care too much about what they think. The most important people will love you for who you are, which is exactly why we should have no fear in meeting our friends/new people! :) What made you start having these negative thoughts though? And who are the ones calling you an "over achiever"? :) Maybe it's them that are just "under" achievers ;)

Heyy wat u sed is so true I felt the same bout me but then I went to a councillor and started talking to them and they really helped because they will never judge you and understand. Nd now this help me build my confidence and nw im so openedup now

I may have a different way of thinking but I tend to look for pearls of wisdom in film. I think the film is called "Beautiful Girls" and its the Rosie O'Donnell character that speaks something to the effect of there is always someone out that that is envious or wants what you have whatever that may be. There is also the old story of the city mouse and country mouse who want each other's lives only to find out that their own is best for them. Finally there is the "what if" idea of being able to trade with someone to gain perspective... I personally would love to experience 18-21 years old again and to have a challenge such as not being comfortable as you say... I am not diminishing what you are saying as I think it is real but I suspect that in time, you will get past it... and I just notice that this post is from 2009 so I wonder where things are at today... I suspect that your relationships might be more developed than mine... I am not with anyone and just signed off on a separation agreement... I only am offering perspective again - not trying to take away from what you said - please take care.

I can absolutely connect to this too. I am 21 and I am also a university student. I moved to Kamloops to take a diploma program in tourism because I really want opportunities to travel. I got to this city and instantly realized what a crap hole this city is. I liked my program at first but I couldn't really find anyone who I connected with. I had acquaintances at school but nobody who would call me up to hang out outside of school. I spent a year and a half of my life living away from my family and my boyfriend feeling incredibly lonely and isolated. Even my roommate stopped inviting me to hang out and was never at home. I spent so much time alone at home wishing that I had someone to spend time with and to go out and have fun with. I felt the exact same way where I thought being 20 and 21 wasn't what I pictured. I wasn't having fun or making memories of my youth, I was just existing. I didn't let anyone I met at school to get too close to me because I didn't want to put it all out there only to be rejected or forgotten about. I kept everyone at arms length because I wasn't sure where I fit in. I didn't want to get too close to anyone in the city of Kamloops because I couldn't picture myself staying there so what was the point of making close friends if I was just leaving to go some place better once school was finished? Well I have to say being lonely is the worst and you should let people in to get to know the real you because even if it seems scary, it's better to have at least one good friend than to spend most of your time alone. Sometimes if you put yourself out there and act friendly even if you don't feel like it, you will meet somebody who makes it more worth while. University/college is so so much better when you have good friends by your side. I really hope you find somebody who you feel comfortable enough with to let your guard down and let them get to know the real you, because it'll really make you feel so much better. Trust me, I know how you are feeling.

so, it's a normal. many-many people don't have friends, really friends and go to school-university-work and live in their own lives.
you are an introvert, important not to worry.
want to communicate - write. you are not alone in the world.
if you learn to not pay attention to it - will enjoy life!
your story reminds me of a song c. isaak - wicked game

Your like me. I want to meet you. Your my soulmate

it kinda surprises me how i can relate so much to you. i am just like you too. i am scared of meeting people, having relationships, awkard silences, and sounding stupid because i don't want to get hurt... i don't want my heart to break because i feel like have no ability to hold myself when i am falling apart. i am always scared of something that hasn't even happend yet. i am in my first year of college and all the girls have already formed their own groups and i am kind of floating around with no one. it scares the crap out me to think that maybe i am the one who isn't normal.

First off, even though this experience was posted 3.5 years ago, I am awed by the support and love the EP community has shown here.
Secondly, I'm going to share my experiences as an incredibly shy, antisocial introvert when I was in college. This is meant to help and heal all the others who are experiencing the same difficulties. This will be from the early 90s, but the same feeling of oppressiveness can happen to anybody. This is how I got over it.
Not long after high school, my parents and I moved across the country, separating me from my small group of friends. I spent a few years working to save for college. I hated every minute of it. I hated the city we moved to, I hated my torturous job. I hated myself because I chose to stay with my parents instead of being a grown up. I was severely depressed and felt worthless.
Even after I earned enough money and moved a hundred miles away from my parents to attend college, I was still miserable and antisocial and incredibly lonely.
About halfway through the school year I had had enough of my whining and decided to attack the problem head on, so I developed a plan. Here's what I did:

1. I don't think this would be as successful today, but I joined an online community to build my conversational skills in a completely secure situation. It helped me to share my feelings safely and it tempered me when dealing with disagreements. If you want to try this, I would recommend a large, thriving community where there are posts come in quickly enough that you can be in a conversation at near real time. If that's not an option, perhaps you can buy a PS4 or Xbox One and join a game that requires a microphone so you can practice having casual, surface-level conversations. Of course, going this route has it's own share of difficulties, especially if you have an addictive personality, where there's the possibility that your dependence on a computer actually causes you to withdraw from making a connection with a real person.
2. Next I tackled my fear of initiating conversations and sounding stupid. (This was probably the most difficult step.)
2a. I promised myself that I would initiate a conversation at least once per day. At first that was as simple as nodding and saying hi to someone sitting close to me in class and making inane small talk with anyone behind a counter: cashiers, administrative staff, etc. I took as many opportunities to initiate conversations as I could stand.
3. I enrolled in an improvisational comedy class. I had enjoyed acting in high school, and it's a situation where you're expected to be goofy and make mistakes. Take any opportunity you have to actively embarrass yourself.
3. I found a social group that had several different official ways to be social. For me it was a large college ministry. There a group celebration every Thursday night with about 200 people, there was an informal worship song session every Friday at noon. There were bible studies every week all over campus. And there were at least two weekend retreats. If you're not a person of faith, try to find some other large campus group where you can blend in if you want but can also be more active in.
4. Here's what I found to be the single most important in getting out of your shell: LEARN NAMES! If you learn someone's name, you've already established a connection with the other person, even if it's saying hi to them between classes. It's a lot better than bumping into them and saying, "Hey... you. How's it been... guy." I realized that not knowing someone's name was the most embarrassing thing I dealt with. Once I figured that out, everything else became a lot easier.
I'm in my mid-40s now, and I still deal with crippling shyness and social fears occasionally. But now I'm equipped with specific tools to combat the problem.

I hope this helps any college students (or anyone else) who feels isolated in their life. If you make a plan and intentionally go out of your way to tackle it, hopefully you won't find it as difficult now.

it is very hard this place you are in. but actually all of the things you feel scared about is just what you need to do because this is a way of growing, learning more people then you may believe feel this way you felt are not alone in the place you are.i do not want to keep repeating myself here, so from experience i know how you feel and i truly believe it doesn't make any difference what may have happened to us. life, so many questions, needs, if i tell you this way; for a gardener and the people are either weeds or beautiful useful plants we

we can't care for our garden if we don't manage it.i feel I'm complicating things. so you just have to experience making friends, embrassing them like delicate plants and experience everything you feel. did it you don't how will you know feelings or beable to understand anything or anyone

have to feel because we have nerves and we can't care did or garden

It's is normal, you just have your head screwed on, getting yiur studies over and done with so you have a good career. When you have little breaks, try to have a little fun. You sound a little socially shy, an awkward feeling, or even an anxiety. CBT is a good option ask for a referral

This was me when I was still studying. Let me tell you this, you aren't alone. I can't say for certain if you're exactly like me, but reading your words brought back a lot of bitter memories I stayed outside of campus, I went shopping alone, I studied alone, and I didn't want to join anyone else. It's funny because naturally I'm quite a sociable person, and i had a lot of friends but for some odd reason in college I just wanted to be alone. Eventually being alone a lot caused me to lose a lot of my self esteem and eventually I was so scared to socialize and hangout with people. It's been 2 years since I've graduated and I'm still a liiittllle scared but I'm getting better. You will too :)<br />
<br />
Looking back now, I was miserable and I regret inching myself away from everyone. It's so easy for me to just say that but the person I was back then would defend her actions with a million excuses. I believe I was sort of depressed. I even resorted to seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me medication but I refused and received a 2nd opinion rejecting the 1st psychs diagnosis.Look, I know you want to be alone, and it feels comfortable, but try not to. I'm not telling you to go crazy in clubs or to join a gang, but find people with interests like yours. Or at least socialize more. Maybe dinner twice a week with friends. It's good for you. I believe me being alone for so long in college caused me more damage than good, the loneliness brought about sadness and depressing thoughts..which lead to bad grades, loss of friends, weight gain and regret. I can proudly say that whole ordeal taught me a lot and I'm so much happier now. I still love being alone as and when I can but I do realize the importance of distancing myself from that dark loneliness I once endured. It's a scary world, but you will find people who think like you and act like you and love the things you do. You just need to try. Trust me, more often than not the confident person you see in front of you is as scared as you inside. Being fearless doesn't mean being void of fears, it means being scared but doing whatever it is anyway because one day you will be strong enough. Don't be scared that you'll never have time alone, you have your whole life ahead of you to have your alone time. Find that balance. May I suggest joining a club or... a community? Like if you like a certain show, find people who do.. or join a study group. Take baby steps if you must. Just don't be scared. Be fearless

I'm sorry for the very long message but I really want you to feel better. I wish someone had reached out to me when I was in college. Sometimes the problem can be fixed by merely changing our perception of the world and people around us. For example, instead of thinking "oh no one wants to talk to me" think "they will like me if they get to know me" and maybe talk. You know those people you meet who get along with everyone because they're so nice and chatty despite being a little annoying? Exactly. Be nice, be friendly, be funny. Always say things you'd like someone to say to you, whether it's a joke or a compliment or just mundane conversations.

I felt that way most of my life, but then I put myself out there and kept struggling and trying to socialize. It wasn't an easy or pleasant thing to do, but eventually I did manage to make some friends. There's nothing wrong with being scared of spending time with other people, but if you want to change it (and it's okay if you don't, but IF you want to) the only way is to keep going out there and risking the hurt and trying to connect with people, even if it's really scary. If you're persistent enough and learn the rules of social interaction. you just might manage to change things!

Lol exactly how I felt today. It's weird isn't it. To be honest I feel that way a lot and am glad I'm not the only one. If you feel like talking, give me a message :).

Wow this is exactly how I feel, if only you had not already graduated

hey , dont feel that way, trust me I felt that way to in college. I moved to an amazing city away from friends and would only see them on weekends..you have to try to find atleast one person in each class to socialize with .. if you can :) I still live in the same city now i am attending grad school and I have to force myself sometimes to do that.. also try meetup or online dating, trust me youll meet people !!! I am a little introverted, but sometimes just try to step outside your comfort zone :)

I am a freshman in college. I only have a few friends, people I knew from high school (I go to college in the same city I went to high school in). I see very little of them. I spend virtually all my school time alone. I sit by myself, and the act of talking aloud is met with a rustyness to my voice. I can offer no advice, all I can say is that I've worked myself into a comfortable state of loneliness, which I do nothing but listen to music, read, watch TV, and daydream. Maybe some people are just broken.

Add a response...

hello buddy...
u knw..wts d pblm...its simple ..there is no pblm...u r just preoccupied by ur thoughts...nt only u we all are...we all are trying to fill a space which is already preoccupied.....just think becoz of ur belief...ur nt able to enjy ...go out ...look out...and see hw beAutiful this world is...no doubt..we feel bad when we see others laughng with frnds and we sitting alone missing all adventure ..and we think
...if we had such so calld cool frnds our life wold be more easy..bt the truth is we are missing ourself nthng else..if we can't believe in ourself..if we can't be friendly and accept ourself...hw cold we expct others to believe us..and accpt us...
buddy its nt late ..nw also..we all can make a new start...u knw whnever i strts belivng lonly and can not interact easily with others...i just say to myself..i hv spnd enough time being lonely.and miss all adventures of life...nw its my time to live..its nw or never
and guess wt it wrks...try it...it might wrk for u also...my bst wshes r with. u...

keep smiling ..tc..

sry i forgt to mention try to join any club where u might wrk on ur hobby.it might be difficlt at strtng u wold be planning things..feeling happy...with planning...bt when the actual time come to go there u might be reasoning urself ..nt to go...
bt thts d only thng u hv to overcme ....

at least give it a try...

As you already know from your responses, there are plenty of people out there who feel like you. If you spend your whole year walking to and from class and no place else you won't know anyone tomorrow. So you have to break out of that. Usually if you go to somewhere, where people do things that you enjoy doing, it is easier to meet people. Or you can take up a bobbie that makes use of an object that is easy to talk about. Dogs and cameras are great. If you do something that makes you happy, the people you meet will know you as a happy person. Right now you sound depressed, so go see a good movie, keep yourself well rested and eat smart. People that are depressed, are not going to attract many friends. Really we should be more inclined to help people who might be down, but it doesn't seem to work that way good luck

This is a general comment on this topic. Does anyone else (besides me) think that part of this issue is that so many young people are using social media to interact instead of actually interacting with people- face to face? Spending hours on the computer/game stations/ texting takes away from actually having to interact with people. Maybe less time on those items and trying to get out to be in a social/sport club, do hospital/ museum/ art gallery volunteering, etc.. Just a thought. I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts on this.
The OP is not the only one that feels like this. I wish I had an answer. It is painful to have someone you love going through this. You feel helpless since you want to help but do not know what to do.

i completely understand where your coming from. I want to have people around me so desperately and i want some kind of social connection. Not acquaintances but people that actually like being with me and as u said call me to hang out.

But when i get into social situations i go mute and i never know what to say and i spend so much time thinking of the perfect things to say and constantly filtering myself. Also, im so sensitive that even if i was to say something even a bit weird i would be afraid their reaction and the slightest facial expression makes me loose all hope and self esteem in myself and i just shut down from there

i never used to be like this, i used to have so many friends and i never used to care what people thought of me. But i now realize that its because i had all those friends i felt that i could truly be myself and if others judged then i didn't care cuz i knew...i have people that like me. Now since i have almost no one, im so desperate to have a connection that i loose my personality and i try to be 'perfect' just in hopes of making a friend. its ridiculous and stupid. i should know better cuz i have nothing to loose.

but, its no only that, i ts also judgement, i always feel like in the back of peoples heads they know im a loner and whenever i try talking to someone i always think that they know that i'm desperate for a friend. Again, making me loose self esteem.

so what it really boils down to is lack of confidence and low self esteem.

if i was to one day make a group of friends i would have all the confidence in the world and be able to be myself. But why am i depending on others for my confidence, self esteem and happiness? ...

so to wrap this up, lemme just tell you that you are definitely not the only one in this world going through this.

Add a response...

I DO understand. I'm in exactly the same spot as you, afraid and extremely antisocial. I have few friends-more like acquaintances- that I hang out with occasionally, but I still try my hardest not to let anyone get close. My loneliness really gets to me sometimes though. I try to make friends, but my low confidence, fear, and awkwardness kill me. It's so contradicting. Part of me likes not having anyone close to protect myself. I feel comfortable. But another part of me longs for human contact and close relationships and good experiences with good friends. It's something I'm working on, but it's taking a long time and A LOT of courage. I'm also in college, but it's community college at nights one class at a time. I've made a few acquaintances, but that's it. I'm struggling to move forward, but I'm trying to make an effort.

Wow. How was this on the FRONT PAGE, and it was posted back in 2009? I guess because someone just replied to it. In any case, your problem is one I DO understand. While I've never been to college (unless you count one, 8-week class simply because I WANTED to) and while I'm pretty good at talking, I do understand the fear of awkward silences, bad conversations and sounding stupid. <br />
<br />
I can also say that if I was your age, I'd probably WANT to talk to you, simply because you're NOT always with a bunch of people and partying. I like chicks who have time to themselves (whether by choice, or not) because I know they won't constantly be too busy to spend time with me, or always asking me to go out. I'm a chill person so bars and **** don't really do it for me.<br />
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In any event, I think I'm going off subject. The point is, I understand. And, as per your desc<x>ription, you're probably not that bad on the eyes either.

I'm going to tell you a secret. If you were pretty, guys would be checking you out. People would want to be your friend naturally. Chances are you're not as pretty as you think.

That's a terrible thing to say to someone. If you are pretty people will gravitate towards you, but once people realize how insecure and awkward you are they tend to go somewhere else. Or would you continue hanging out with an awkward, insecure, emotionally distant person? The problem lies way beyond looks.

LaughAtReality, you are an ***! That is a horrible thing to say to anyone.

Sounds like it might be agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, or some form of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). This group of disorders has a lot of overlap. Usually starts as GAD, and morphs into some of the other forms if left untreated. It is one of the most common psychological ailments after depression. The good news? It's easily treated; you often don't need drug therapy or years of psychoanalysis. Just a therapist and a series of small practical steps to learn new behavior and help you out of your shell. If you can relate to this post, you might want to see a therapist. For college students, most (all?) student health services have therapists on staff that can help with this for free.

(I noticed that author is from years ago, but the topic generates a lot of interest - further proof for how common it is)

I can only tell you that I experienced something similar when I was in college.
I felt so very alone I even sought counseling. I'm a guy, older now, but was considered good looking, smart and athletic. It wasn't that. I had a discomfort with people. I'll cut to the chase and tell you what I discovered about myself.
I was insecure starting in childhood. My father was sometimes very supportive, sometimes very cutting toward me, often under the influence of alcohol.
I never knew what to expect, and the uncertainty left me with discomfort, which was evident in my relationships with others. I always felt that other people were superior to me, and that if they knew the real me they wouldn't like me and I"d be rejected. So I put up a front. I was trying to become the image of the ideal person I imagined, thinking I might eventually become the role I played, but deep down I felt that I was a person that no one would care to be around.
This all came from the disruption to a loving home environment. It caused me to spend a very inordinate amount of time and energy on fruitless endeavors that always fell apart on me.
I don't know if anything I've said fits your situation. We all have different paths and challenges, but I hope you discover what it is you need and find a way to complete yourself in that area. When you become truly confident, relaxed with yourself and others, people will be drawn to you like a magnet. Then it becomes the challenge of choosing your friends wisely.
Best of luck to you. One way or the other, you'll eventually find your place of relative comfort.

This gave me perspective of my own situation, as I have lived very similar things.

You're preparing yourself to be someone in life, that's why you study. The real life is not partying or getting a thousand friends, because believe me, none of those would be your real friend but one or two.

You have to stop worrying about it and dedicate to study, that's why you are in college. People that keep partying never get anything good from that. All they get is wasted and their "Friends" add drugs to their drinks so they can do whatever they want with them.

Is that what you want? Experience? well, if you want experience then do your homework, study. I'm not saying hanging out is bad, but you can do it on vacations, not while you are in college.

If you really want to get old and healthy without getting a weird desease for partying evey single day, then do productive things.

When I started going to college I felt the same way as you, lonely. But then someone reminded me that Jesus was, is and always will be with me, and that He is my only friend.

At first I didn't believe that, because I couldn't feel Him by my side, but the thing is that You have to believe in Him and Trust in Him unconditionally, and then You will not feel lonely anymore. I don't feel lonely anymore, because I have Him in my life.

He would be more than happy for you to want Him in your life.

Remember God loves you, bye.

You're probably more introverted, sensitive type. Cut to the chase, start talking to a pro-councilor about it. To set up a strategy to deal with your situation. Things will get better a lot, guaranteed. You just need a lift to get back on track. Good luck.

I completely understand you! I am 19. I'm a pretty normal girl for the most part but got caught up in the wrong group for a while. Since I stopped hanging out with them, I just don't hang out with anyone anymore. It's just my boyfriend and I hanging out in our apartment all the time. It gets lonely, and I miss hanging out with other girls and stuff like that.

This feels like you are speaking about me, and I feel the need to get a girlfriend, to make it worse, I keep seeing other guys- (who girls claim they hate) getting girlfriends. I actually thought that I was the only one. I am a guy and I thought that girls never face these issues I sometimes keep trying to get out of it but I get back to the same state i was before. I am seriously thinking about why this is like this, because other people have alot of friends and people talking to them too often whereas i don't. May God help and change the situations that we are in.

No, you're not. There are a lot of people like you out there. Life is not like what society has influenced or convinced us to believe, at any age. And each person is different. If you follow the crowd, you'll have artificial friendship (like most "typical" college relationships, I believe). If you are an individual, you'll probably go through life with only a couple real friends at a time, and a several acquaintances. I'm 20 and in college, too, and I don't have any friends. But I'm trying. You have to put yourself out there, though, if you want to begin making connections. You don't even have to be outwardly outgoing. Try becoming a regular at a coffee shop near to you. Show your pretty face enough and someone will get to know you.

People think being alone makes you lonely, but that is not true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.

your 100% right saying that being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world i know exactly what you mean and ive been trying to find the right words to describe what i feel.

i feel for you and your dilemma. I wish I could only help you in one way or another. Be true to thyself. Express yourself truthfully. Be at peace with yourself.

Very true. Plus they drag you down to their level. Even worse.

I have felt/feel how you feel at the moment. I'm not going to write intensively about what you should do but the one tip I can give you which has worked for me is to take one step each day (however small) out of your comfort zone. You'll surprise yourself and each day you accomplish that, or even come close, will be an experience you can draw on for future steps. The fact that you're in college and made *that* jump is an accomplishment. Hang in there! :)

wow I could swear you are talking about me if not for the boyfriend part, I'm a guy...
well I guess there are people like us who don't fit in anywhere. but as I've come to observe because that's what I do, sit and look at other people falling in love, fighting, breaking up and partying, I realise that as long as I believe I'm gonna be fine one day, it gets easier
try having a best friend, online helps because it takes the awkward away.

Hi! I related a lot to your post and couldn't help but respond. I've periodically been in a similar position before and wanted to share some hope.

1. It's completely normal to feel lonely yet want to be alone at the same time.
Heck, sometimes i'm more lonely if i'm around people than if i'm on my own. Maybe 'cause around people, I loose some freedom to act how I want and not be subjected to social pressures, rituals, expectations and other stuff. I think we all have a desire for freedom and relationships at the same time that is sometimes contradictory. In a sense you need to give up a bit of freedom to engage in relationship. Sacrifice freedom for another type of freedom. Tricky business.

2.Don't worry you can practice! I'm naturally socially awkward and have been through times where I was almost completely silent due to my sensitivity and other stuff I don't understand. I would never have guessed that I would have the ability to socialize that I have now, it has way surpassed my hopes and dreams.

3.Take baby steps. There was a time when I was so lonely I would go to the grocery store simply so I could maybe get a "Hihowareya" from the checkout person. It wasn't much and it often didn't make me feel all that better (though sometimes I was surprised) but it was still practice. Often times improvement is so incremental that it's hard to see. The important part is not how hard you practice, but not to get discouraged and give up. Maybe even have fun with it sometimes and feel free to laugh at yourself (we can be silly creatures).

3. Age IS a number. Our ideas about when in our lives we should be doing what are mostly culturally contrived. I've gone through a few periods of thinking that the end of my "fun" era of life is coming and getting melancholy about it. It happened when I was around your age then again when I was 28 and 29. Oddly enough the day I turned 30 I felt younger than I had in years. Please don't put this kind of social pressure on yourself. I'm 32 right now and am more fit and active and have more fun socializing than I ever have. I'm pretty much still a kid just with 32 years of experience. (I'll probably go through it again though, maybe i'll be better at it)

4. First steps are the hardest. A lot of what these other people say is true about getting into groups and what not. I was never to comfortable with steps it takes to get into the more formal organized things (though i'm getting better) So I had to go to grocery stores and/or drink at slow paced dive bars where I could talk to the bar tender (I know your 20 but you'll be 21 soon). Anyway just keep in mind that It's usually easier afterwards if you can stop thinking for a bit and just take the first step.

5. Drinking can help. Oh man I feel like such a bad influence saying this but I have to. It's definitely not something to rely on and I'm not suggesting you get smashed and/or become an alcoholic... and it's not for everyone. But it's rough out there, and it's nice to have a drink sometimes. I'm mainly thinking of research that shows that the speaking of a foreign language improves after 1 or 2 drinks (it drops after the next drink supposedly) Oh yeah, your almost 21 right? (pleas take especially this one with a handful of salt...though seriously)

6. Spirituality helps way more than drinking. Hard to explain this one much; not knowing where you stand on it (and cause it's a confusing topic in general) but there are answers out there. Searching for meaning and truth will bring you good things in the long run and has a profound effect on every aspect of your life.

7. Hobbies are Great! Find stuff to learn about and enjoy and forget about social dilemmas for a while. You may even find that the social stuff just happens when you aren't thinking about it.

Wish you the best. I would definitely come hang out with you or at least say hi if i knew where you where and it wasn't too far from where I am and if you're not already sick of hearing from me :)

Sorry, had to chime in. Drinking is definitely not a good idea. Replacing loneliness with drinking can never be a good solution. It can become such a huge crutch. Then you may become a lonely alcoholic. Stay away from the drug and alcohol scene. The other things you said were very good though.

Thanks for adding that :) drinking can become volatile and/or a bad crutch

Like you I spend a large majority of my time alone and its getting to be a huge problem. I've just moved and so have not connected with my new area and its been 4 months now.

However in my university days (I'm from the UK) I found a good way to meet people was to join a society. That way I was able to meet people who had similar interests to me. None of those friendships really lasted but it made me happy at the time.

Great suggestion.

I feel the same.. Unfortunately.. :/ :(

Hi, im just gonna tell you have something called "social anxiety". I can tell because i have it too. I am in the same exact situation like you. College, lonely, but too scared to do anything about it. Social events are always the worst. Just google social anxiety and see if you can relate.

Hope you doing lots better when you get to read this...... it may be just a stage..... I am writing becase in a way I felt that way at one point.... I am a guy who still feels like that at times also... what about family... the fact that you are a collegue student says that you are a smart person.... and that matters a lot.... it says a lot since I am from a place that not everyone makes it there.... so you have something good going there... I hope that you keep in touch and you can e-mail me also.... I can relate to you and we can help each other out..... there may be people who dont feel and understand our frustration... josuediaz269@yahoo.com... please... it is not nice feeling as such.... but is good that you are reaching out..... only that way you can come on top of all this and fly free...... will be waiting

As my dear friend says, "Why do you get a hallpass?". When you open up you will have lots of friends. Some of them will stab you in the back. Some will walk away with no explanation leaving you stunned. It's the ones that stay that make it all worth while. They love you, they are there for you and you know you will never be alone. How do you know who to trust? Trust EVERYONE. The true ones will rise to the top. They are the ones that will be there for you when the other ones let you down. Don't try to pick and choose your friends...everyone is your friend until they aren't.

hey!dont think in that way......may be i am not alder to u but i hav 2 seen some of the extremest emotions of life at this tender age....i really dont know what others will say but i wud suggest u tu leave urself free........dont think what others will say or think about u ......u dont have to have friends .......u know a bitter truth of all relationship-they tie u to a certain point.they wont let u fly...so be bindass and least caring........

I am 22 in college and I feel your pain. You have plenty of time to learn how to socialize and figure out what you're most comfortable with. I don't make friends easily but I've realized i'm more comfortable in smaller social groups than at large parties anyway. But at least give yourself a chance when you have the opportunity to hang out with people. I hope this helps. Just know that you are not alone in your loneliness

Hey, I feel the exact same way. I've felt this way all my life. I'm 20 years old and I am extremely introverted. I've ben this way all my life but only recently realized most of my problems like loneliness, lack of friends, depression, were all connected. I've always been more comfortable alone and I feel like I have wasted my life. My biggest problem is that I was never really invited to do anything when I was little so I just entertained my self. My point is it takes me longer to make friends or even just warm up to people and I feel like this might be your problem to. hang in there and don't give up. I've been down that path and I ended up in rehab in 9th grade for suicide. The thing is that it was rehab that made me realize the thing I needed most was not allot of friends but someone who truly gets me. What I wanted to say is I. Now I know that this post is not a substitute for a real person and I'm not trying to make your problems seem smaller compared to mine I'm simply saying your on the right track when you say you need to change. If you want to hear my full story ill be posting it shortly. If you want to talk I will listen. Up till now have been physically isolated due to family issues as well as a few extremely stupid screw-ups on my part(I almost lost my drivers license). and this isolation is what made me realize that the only way to break the cycle is to be proactive. When I say this I mean go out and do something you want to do join some clubs and the beigest thing is talk with real people. I know as soon as I get my license sorted out I am done feeling sorry for my self. I'm goanna move on with my life and yes I am terrified of social interaction but I'm even more terrified of the lack of it.

have self anslysed youself very well, you have identified the ptoblem and the outcome of not resolving it. Time to stop thinking and take action. You are not alone in fearing talking and mixing with people but you must join in. Next time there is an opportunity to do something with others or to invite others to do something with you, go for it. What is the worst thing that can happen. . . things stay the same but if not the first time, thing's will change and improve, trust me, they will.

Life will not come to you, you have to go to life. You can do it ! x

I am 26 and from someone who has an overactive social life, parties like crazy ( I mean hardcore) in South Beach, I hope I can bring you some comfort in knowing that you aren't missing out on much. It's important to network more than it is to have friends and parties. While others are out partying and wasting time, be a step ahead of them and attend networking events, nothing will help you in the future more than business networking. And you end up having a much better social life than you would've imagined. Although I've always had many friends, I consider myself socially awkward. Sometimes I can be outgoing and fun, but many times I miss social cues and hate awkward silences. Also bringing up topics of conversation can be really tough for me. And when I do, I'm constantly worried I'm talking too much. You are not alone. If you ever need a friend in Miami let me know.

Personally, I preferred the solitary, college experience, but I understand what you mean. Around that age, I began to notice that I had trouble maintaining relationships, and I didn't know why. Turns out, it was my parents. You learn how to socialize via your parents, and mine weren't the best, so I didn't know how to make or keep friends. It took me 3 years to ultimately solve my problem. I was so afraid of rejection, I sabotaged my relationships and pushed people away when they wanted something deeper. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone you trusts. I've been with some Christians for about a year now, and they have been helping me make progress. Personally, I'm a non-believer but good people are good people.

I feel the same way too. Everybody keeps telling me to join some clubs and organizations but that doesn't seem to be working for me. I still feel isolated and lonely and this is also making me feel incredibly bored. I feel like i'm missing out on the college experience and I'm starting to question whether or not college is really for me.

hey Liv1 :) I hope things are getting better! Just wanted to comment that I am in the same position as you. I transferred to another school this semester and everything is so new! I am lonely and bored also, especially on the weekend, but things will slowly turn around! Joining clubs and even meeting people in class will help! I also think I'm "wasting" my college experience, but I keep reminding myself that only I can decide what I want that experience to be like!

I understand where you're coming from. I didn't have anyone I knew from high school going into the same course as I did in university so I was pretty much alone most of the times. I didn't get to see high school friends on a regular basis. I didn't make as many friends as I would've like to in the first couple of years because I was shy and awkward. And so that left me to be pretty anti-social and feeling lonely as well. Just recently I decided I was going to do things that I normally didn't feel comfortable doing. So I got a job, didn't turn down offers to meet up with friends, kept small conversations going with customers at work no matter how awkward I was and I soon began to feel much more comfortable. I would suggest you do something out of your comfort zone, break out of that shell and don't always depend on others to be happy.

I am 21 and I feel exactly how you feel I never knew how to put it in words though but this story is my life almost exactly.

I'm 22 and I am at a point in my life where I still don't know where to go. I understand what you are going through. Though, no two same people are ever alike, I can empathize because I am like that too. Contact me if you need to talk. :)

I'm 19, in college as well, and I can relate to this. :(

You might consider a foreign study if your university offers them? It can be rather sheltered, but you can gain confidence about being in new situations etc. Also think about volunteering somewhere. The university probably has resources to help with finding an appropriate volunteer opportunity. Parties are likely not your thing, which may not be a loss if you can find better ways to connect.

most people your age feel the same,thats y drugs and drink are so popular with your age group.......

I advise to you , love all animals even ants , give to it sugar food , being alone and away from people is good for you in this dark age , me too .. because outside world is like to sting innocent people like us .. Try to invent anything new , draw whatever new you thinking draw it in a note ,, keep it as secret .. you must be silent , but sure u willbe intelligent , tat u itself know , learn outside world one by one i am 22 .. in age of 20 i am also like u .. but now learned go through train , bus alone . learn one by one .. i want to stay connected to you through facebook ? shall webe online friends ?!

I am same like you .. always alone individual and scared to go out but i believe greatly in gods ..

Dude, I can completely relate. Thanks for posting this, I thought I was the only one
Advise wise, I'd say just move in baby steps. Maybe, try to make one new friend this week. Someone nice, not someone just because they're popular, maybe try chatting with someone after class or sit next to someone at the canteen or coffee shop or whatever. If your uni has a facebook group, maybe chat to people on that, it might be easier than face to face
Good luck!

I've done exactly what your doing know the whole hiding from the world thing. So what I did to get over it was tell myself that im missing out an all the days I wasted in my house instead of being outside with people an enjoying myself I will never get it back. I just gave it a chance-no one told me I had to or forced me in anyway it was my decision an the best one I've ever made. Nothings wrong with you and going outside an being social doesn't make you normal like everyone else. Why even want to be like any one else you sound great just do what makes you happy

I know exactly how you feel; it seems like I should be out doing stuff with my friends, but, on the rare occasion that I do get up the nerve to ask my friends to hang out, they shut me out making excuses like I just asked if they wanted to donate a kidney. It's hard for me to connect with people and since it was discovered about a year ago that I have a minor case of Asberger's disorder, it's become more and more clear to me about how alone I really am. All my life, I've been torn between the comfort of solitude and the yearning for the company of others. I've been through so much and I've eventually made friends but eventually they all just went away. One day I actually realized that I've been lonely for so long that it's become a part of who I am; a part that I don't want to give up. Sometimes I even feel I like it maybe because it's better to feel something than nothing at all. To be Frank, I'm not going to give you advice like some optimistic, self-help zombie, but I can give you truth of how it is with me and tell you that you're not the only one who feels this way. I hope this has brought some comfort to you and, if it hasn't, at least you can know that there are still people in this world who aren't afraid to speak the truth; because that was what I gained from your passage.

"One day I actually realized that I've been lonely for so long that it's become a part of who I am; a part that I don't want to give up. Sometimes I even feel I like it maybe because it's better to feel something than nothing at all, "This is my life. I'm not lonely but at some point you realize your meant to be alone and you accept that. Friends come and go and the rate at which you get them isn't all that fast. You just aren't like everyone else...

hey, just wanted to let you know my experience is very similar to yours. I am a 21 year old male I don't work because I am putting my all into my education at college. I also seem to keep my distance from people I am a very anxious person so I don't approach people and when someone tries talking to me I get anxious, sweaty, stutter and probably look like an absolute idiot. I am also described by others as a socially awkward person to be around. So, with all that being said I am also not really meeting new people or having a very fun experience with college. It really makes me sad because I know I am never going to get these years of my life back. The only thing I do is study for my courses, play video games, and do things around my house. I can completely relate to you and I know how depressing, lonely, and how there is a void that is not being fulfilled in your life. If you ever want you can talk to me on here or you can add my facebook which is Chris Mokelky. I wish you the best :)

Totally relate.

same here dear and coincident is exactly the same situations ...20 m...numb 9700231288

I'm the same. I'm 21 in my final year of uni and suddenly everyone seems too busy, all my friends spend time with their boyfriends and then never have the money/time or energy to do anything with me. All the while, I'm staying in my room only leaving to go to the gym, work and uni. This time last year I was going out all the time, having fun and now life feels like it's come to a stand still

Hi
please dont worry that your not normal. I am guessing that , like myself,you are a highly sensitive person.
I totally identify with your description of how you are with other people and how you feel about your situation.
Check out accounts by "HSPs" on this website.
I am happily married with three kids at age 49 , but went through exactly you circumstances at university.
Hang in there and be yourself.
With all best wishes x

I left uni after first year, and although it was a good year, I lost so much. I lost my sense of humour, my personality and motivation, a lot of it due to drugs. I transferred and found I couldn't talk to people as easy anymore. Even when I get invited to parties I never want to go, I am so lonely and so sad, but really I know I just need to get my **** together, although its hard not to envy people for not screwing up their lives. Hopefully I become bolder and find good friends, in the meantime, know you are not alone, I'm 19, and feel exactly as you do.

Have you ever seen a person who seems quite self-confident in day-to-day life suddenly become nervous and stage-frightened when they give a public address to a large audience? It happens because their priorities have changed. Instead of being mentally centered on the business or the message at hand, they are centered on what a large number of people are thinking about them. Instead of thinking, "this is important and I need to get it out," they are thinking, "am I sounding/looking stupid, boring, or whatever?" The more nervous they become, the worse their speech becomes. The worse the performance becomes, the more nervous they become. It is a degenerative vicious spiral of despair and embarrassment. <br />
<br />
You are having a similar problem with interpersonal relations. Instead of thinking of how interesting someone else may be or how you can help them or how you might enjoy their company, you are thinking about how they may reject you. They more self-conscious and standoffish you are, the less comfortable people are being around you. The more uncomfortable they are, the more they will try to avoid you. The more that they avoid you, the more that you want to avoid them. That is what you are doing now. <br />
<br />
This is what you must do. You must initiate a regenerative cause/effect spiral. First, select a social initiative that you can make. Center the motive on him, her, or them. Always stay centered on the other or others. That keeps your attention off of yourself and how you could screw up. Do what you can to make a good impression, but after that, do not worry about yourself or what they might think about you. Focus on their needs and their interests. It might seem difficult at first, but it comes easier the more that you do it.

It took me a little while to realize what I was doing. But then I soon realized what I was doing, which is exactly what you are saying here. I focus too much on myself and how people might perceive me in a negative light. But instead one should put their focus on getting their message across, focus on the audience not on yourself, because otherwise you get all self-conscious and it's no fun.

you nailed it right on the head man, and I am the same way. I am going to try your advice because it does make sense and I need to get over this. even though this advice was not specifically directed at me, thank you!

what u really want in your life.......it seems like u want to accomplish something, that u hide yourself and wait far a perfect time to come...

Hi Escritor93<br />
<br />
I know exactly how you feel. As I write this, it's the morning of my 50th birthday and that has been 50 years of being alone. you don't mention this but I know what it's like to be in a room full of people and feel totally alone. Do you identify with this? <br />
<br />
For me it's not social phobia, it's just not knowing what to say to people that may be interesting to them. People totally misread this as being offish, deceptive or just to difficult to chat to and so they just don't bother to get to know me. For them, its just to much effort and when I go quiet,embarrassing for them. They feel uncomfortable and do not understand me as I do not present in a 'normal' way.<br />
<br />
I'll be off to work soon. It's not worth having the day of as this would just deprive me of more social contact and I would just be alone which is not what I want. Perversely my job involves talking with people about their mental health and planning care and support for them (I work as a mental health care coordinator in the UK). <br />
<br />
The guys (and girls) in the office think I'm superb and we talk both on a professional level and in banter. I avoid the social evenings however as on the times when I have been out with them, I have just felt alone, not knowing what to say to them. It's quite embarrassing when close colleagues ask what is up as I have not said very much as the way I am in social situations is different than at work. <br />
<br />
Consequence of this of course is that when I get to go home I'm alone again. Therefore when I don't have clinical things to talk about with my clients I just do not know what to say. That's why when I get home from work today, I'll be alone again tonight and my 50th birthday will have been a non event. <br />
<br />
I've read through the other comments re your post and many of them are from people who are in the 'pull yourself together' brigade. Not really helpful or understanding. And from what you have posted, your cause seems to be different from mine - just a similar outcome. Just please do understand that you are not alone with these difficulties that you have. Life can be worthwhile and may well change for you. <br />
<br />
I would say embrace what you have now and hope for a better future - and things can get better - I know this from my work. <br />
<br />
There are people on here who do understand people like 'us' and who would love to chat with you. It's not face to face but it is better than nothing. <br />
<br />
If you would like to chat then feel free to mail me. <br />
<br />
Take good care sweetheart.<br />
<br />
Anne-Marie

Dear Anne-Marie-
This post caught my eye as very thought-provoking and also made me feel very sympathetic for you. I hope that your 50th birthday went well, and that some people wished you a happy birthday. I hope that you find what you are looking for in life (a companion, a friend, new understanding, etc) and I would like you to know that this short description of your life that you posted here really touched me, and that I think you are important, even though I don't know you. You have something to offer to the people around you, and perhaps some day soon, someone will reach out to you and accept you into their life, one way or another (if that is what you are looking for).

AmyRose

The 50th was O.K., just another day but some of the guys at work wished me a good day (made me quite embarrassed which they loved).

I already have much of what life can offer and have tasted both the bitter as well as the sweet. It would however be good to have somebody to share my life with but having been alone for so long, it would have to be a very special person. I did meet my soul-mate once - sadly in a bad marriage. but marriage is marriage and my rule is that I wont try to break a marriage for my own selfish ends. May happen for me one day.

In work mode, I have loads to offer. Many of my clients think I'm very special as I am the only person (from services) who has been able to really listen and put them at ease, to help them address problems with debts, activities, mental health issues etc. and just being somebody who they feel comfortable confiding in. This is also really fulfilling for me.

I also look at my soul-mate and thank God that I am not in that situation - being in a bad relationship is often worse than not being in a relationship at all. Flip side to that though is that being in a good relationship is the best thing that can happen to a person, much better than winning the lottery or whatever.

Thanks for responding AmyRose.
God bless you sweetie.

Anne-Marie

These days with technology! Trust me, our generation feel lonely!! I too feel the same way but I kick my *** out of my small room and go out and live the life I wish to live no matter how afraid I get or if I die out of fear!! I've had enough of fear and it's not going to steal away the rest of my life again! Face an ounce of fear each day my sis, things will get better.

Hi! I think you and me are sisters because the only thing about that story that is different from me is that Im 19 and I also have a job. Other than that our stories match up! I feel you! Its almost like you ar ea hermit, but you really arent! On the inside you want to try all these amazong things and jump into an exciting conversation, but on the outside you cant do that exciting thing and it kills you! If you need anything feel free to talk to me!

There are millions just like you. It's called being human. <br />
<br />
I'd:<br />
<br />
- Keep busy (a busy mind doesn't usually entertain negative thoughts)<br />
<br />
- Jog a lot (helps immensely)<br />
<br />
- You need to develop a sense of humor. Watch standup comedy. Recommend starting with Robin Williams' weapons of self-destruction on Youtube.<br />
<br />
- Concentrate on your studies<br />
<br />
- And don't give a F. about things in life.<br />
<br />
There will be time to have fun and have boyfriends after school.

I was the exact same way in college. The only people who knew me well were my sister-in-law who worked on campus, my roommate, and one girl down the hall whom I didn't become true friends with until college was almost over.

I was miserable for four years.

But then I went off to medical school, and of course feared the same problems. However, I decided to go on antidepressants halfway through and suddenly I was myself around people, bubbly and more outgoing and relaxed. Those fears that you explained didn't exactly go away, but the doubt got quieter, if that makes sense. No I have a few really good friends/best friends and a ton of awesome acquaintances that I am comfortable talking to every now and then.

SSRI's helped me so much with my shyness/social anxiety. If all else fails for you, I'd say give it a try. I feel like a new version of my awesome old self, fearless.

You behave this way because you can. Everyone has a choice and your choice is to be hidden and alone. I was once a very, very shy person, but college and the real world drove me out of my cocoon. My desperation for being human drove me out of my shell. It all depends on which you is strong enough to persevere. The "selfish" you that keeps all to herself or the "survivor" you that pushes beyond the borderlines of egotistical self-destruction. Oh, yeah. For each of us, whether we are outties or innies, it's all about our egos.

I don't think it is ever anyone's "choice" to have anxiety in social situations and sometimes the only way one knows how to cope with that is to avoid it. It is not as easy as just choosing each day. She does need to choose to seek out appropriate help for this problem, yes, such as counseling and learning coping skills to decrease her anxiety. But to suggest that anyone chooses to feel this way is blasphemous and not helpful, but it is a good way to make someone feel even worse when they try and fail...you make them feel less for nt simply trying harder. Such an unfair judgement to hand down to someone who is struggling and reaching out.

No one wants to be this way, but if you can't understand this please don't say things that make them feel even worse.

As you can see, you def aren't alone. The best I can say is, try to find someone comforting, respectful, and friendly to hang out with and get close with. Try to go against the fear a step at a time.

I know exactly how you feel hun :( I get the exact same way and it really sucks and gets pretty lonely some nights for me too. I'm pretty much dropped out of college because it caused too much anxiety for me but I hope you don't have to go down the same route I am in. You can message me anytime if you wanna talk though :) Hugs xx