I'm 20 years old and in college . I should be having the time of my life, right? I should be out mingling and partying and meeting new people daily...right? I'm not. I'm really not. It's Saturday night, 10:30 to be exact and I've been sitting here just trying my darndest to convince myself that I'm a normal 20 year old college student. But I'm not, I'm really not. I'm 5'6, 135 lbs, blonde haired and dark brown eyed. I'm pretty, maybe not beautiful but I'm pretty. So why can't I meet a God-damned person? Why can't I have friends and boyfriends and people who call me to hang out? Why?
I stay cooped up in my stupid apartment...going out only for class and food. I stay hidden here, away from the world because I'm scared to go out. Why? I really couldn't tell you. I'm scared of uncomfortable situations and awkward silences. I'm scared of bad conversation and sounding stupid. And you know what? I'm increddibly...increddibly lonely. But you know what? As scared as I am of being alone forever, I'm even more scared of not being alone. What's wrong with me? Who thinks like that? I keep people at an arm's length because any closer and they could hurt me. But, keep enough people far enough away and soon enough those people are going to go and find people who will embrace them. And soon enough I stop keeping people at even an arm's length because even they walk away.
Please, please if anybody can in anyway (and hopefully a major way) understand this and connect to this, please contact me. I honestly think that I'm alone in doing this, acting like this. It's so abnormal and crazy that I feel like the only person in the entire world that feels this way. Am I?