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Lonely College Student? What?

I'm 20 years old and in college. I should be having the time of my life, right? I should be out mingling and partying and meeting new people daily...right? I'm not. I'm really not. It's Saturday night, 10:30 to be exact and I've been sitting here just trying my darndest to convince myself that I'm a normal 20 year old college student. But I'm not, I'm really not. I'm 5'6, 135 lbs, blonde haired and dark brown eyed. I'm pretty, maybe not beautiful but I'm pretty. So why can't I meet a God-damned person? Why can't I have friends and boyfriends and people who call me to hang out? Why?

I stay cooped up in my stupid apartment...going out only for class and food. I stay hidden here, away from the world because I'm scared to go out. Why? I really couldn't tell you. I'm scared of uncomfortable situations and awkward silences. I'm scared of bad conversation and sounding stupid. And you know what? I'm increddibly...increddibly lonely. But you know what? As scared as I am of being alone forever, I'm even more scared of not being alone. What's wrong with me? Who thinks like that? I keep people at an arm's length because any closer and they could hurt me. But, keep enough people far enough away and soon enough those people are going to go and find people who will embrace them. And soon enough I stop keeping people at even an arm's length because even they walk away.

Please, please if anybody can in anyway (and hopefully a major way) understand this and connect to this, please contact me. I honestly think that I'm alone in doing this, acting like this. It's so abnormal and crazy that I feel like the only person in the entire world that feels this way. Am I?

escritor93 escritor93 18-21 434 Responses May 9, 2009

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You are certainly not alone in feeling this way. Like the other posters have been writing, I have been through what you are talking about. The fear, actually it's a kind of panic when it comes to talking to other people and going to parties and so on. It has happened before that I was scared of talking to a shopkeeper. Not fear of them but just panic at interacting with someone else. It certainly is a very unpleasant fr<x>ame of mind to be in. My heart goes out to you. I hope things are better now :) For my case, things are a bit better cos I met someone. I wouldn't say that he's my bf but he certainly is someone I care about, this lifted quite a weight from my heart. Mind you, I am 27 and this is the first time I feel this close to another person. I had been feeling panicked and alone since I was 16. Things take time for people like us, but eventually, they can happen. Just because we are awkward lonely creatures doesn't mean we are hopeless and doomed. Again, I do hope that you life has improved or is in track to improve. And if it hasn't then it definitely well, don't lose heart, you deserve happiness and love :) hugs

Im 29 years old male, i never had girl friend on my life nd i never try to find one, its not 'coz im ugly thats y i cant find, no not that, im not ugly, im handsom, y im saying this" handsom" 'coz everyone know thier self better then other people.<br />
Whatever, 2 years ago my job only sitting and reading the sad story,lessening to sad songs,looking to sad picture on the computer,nd midnight weak up and start crying that was job in past 2 years, no work,no study,nothing nd nothing only at night weakup nd crying for nothing. maybe you guysnot believe but i think i dont need to lie or to write lie 'coz its easy to lie to someone els but its hard to lie to u r self.<br />
finally i go to see doctor nd the doctor give deep dipression tablet it was about 1000mg to strong when i start useing stright way feeling like drunk guys nd feeling sleepy nd i used about 9 months after that i was feeling so happy nd so active, then i start looking for job nd in couple of weeks i found my dream job nd i start working nd saving, spending, enjoying from life every moment but the only thing is stil im alone no gf 'coz i realy dont like to have gf, 'coz i wnt get married thats y im looking for good girls who can be a good mom for my child in the near future. Now im stile working nd i have money nd ihave beautiful car nd every thing only one thing missing thats wife i know i'll get good wife soon.<br />
just i wana tell to anyone who realy feeling lonely or something depression sign just go nd c u r doctore or soicologist.<br />
NOTE: sorry about grammar mistak, i think it dosnt metter the gramar 'coz here is not gramar test.

Honey, don't be so worried about what others think. They won't notice and, they won't remember the stupid little things. Talk to everyone until you find the ones you enjoy talking to most. I have some people we speak of philosophy and others, we speak of shallow mundane things. Everyone is different. Just don't preoccupy your mind with what could be running through theirs. It's a waste of mental power. Some people are a blank slate and others are in so many different places they aren't even present when in front of you. Just be accepting of them and they will be of you. The ones who aren't can go **** off ;)

By the way, don't ba<x>se your life on how others live theirs. I was a late and short lived partier. It's noce once in awhile but, being surrounded by those people can be draining. Like I said, everyone is different. There are deep people with intelligence and a core, shallow people with no substance. People who will use you, people who will help you... So many different kinds, the only way to begin to understand them is to experience them. It took me 24 years to figure out the people I want to associate with and the ones I want nothing to do with. You have to get burned to learn sometimes. Just don't invest your emotions in toxic people and you should be fine. Be giving but, don't be a door mat.

there only one word to say <br />
<br />
you are my refelction of my own life.... those what you write is....also my story....

I'M LIKE THIS TOO =( AND IT SUCKS...IT JUST JUST SUCKS BIG TIME. I think I REPEL people.<br />
I'm 5'6 too but a couple o yrs youngr, and yea my hair r black =D but readin ur post felt like i was readin my diary ='''( i totally know wat u go thru all the time. and yes this situation brought me to EP too.

Wow, 20 yr old pretty college student, you're missing the point. point is that we all can't go in the same direction (time of your life). Not all wired for sound college students survived the proverbial "time of life' scenario, we're all supposed to have like in the movies. What you've been given is the ideal conditions for future success. The proverb is , Pretty College, is that" when God gives you lemons you make lemonade". In 5 count em 5 long years if you sink your sorrows into the idea of becoming somebody, given the lucky break of being removed from all that life sucking distraction you think is fun, Then the only thing at the end of that rainbow is gold. College is a discipline, my pretty , all success stories in the mags will omit the years of lonliness and toil it takes to become successful. Don't kiss any boys on the way up you'll turn into a frog.

Im sorry if someone already suggested this, but so many people commented, I couldn't read them all. You are right, this is not normal. You are almost suffering from a disorder. There is no shame in seeking help, there is great shame in not seeking help. Be it depression or anxiety or, (commonly) both, there are many very tolerable, inexpensive medications available to help you. The great thing about meds, is, if you don't like the way they make you feel, you stop and try the next one. Approach this like a study. Only you can take the steps to change your life.

I am sorry, but I disagree with you, This MAY be a "Medical" situation or it may be (like many have suggested) a phase... Only she and a medical professional can diagnose that and since you are not there, have not EVEN read all these posts, I do NOT think you have it right... There MAY be some help in going to a medical professional, but without knowing the rest of the story, it is IMPOSSIBLE to tell. Streetside Doctors (or should I say QUACKS are a dime a dozen, BUT nine times out of ten, HAVE IT ALL WRONG... She MAY benefit by seeing a professional, but that may NOT be necessary and a "waste" of "precious" (to MOST college students) money... I have a daughter in college and know how expensive it is...
I agree that there is no shame in seeking help, and that is part of this whole story, she is seeking some suggestions to maybe help her get through this as well as the knowledge that there are others like herself out here (and there are (I myself was a little like her through school and have gotten through it without professional help; as she may).

Im sorry if someone already suggested this, but so many people commented, I couldn't read them all. You are right, this is not normal. You are almost suffering from a disorder. There is no shame in seeking help, there is great shame in not seeking help. Be it depression or anxiety or, (commonly) both, there are many very tolerable, inexpensive medications available to help you. The great thing about meds, is, if you don't like the way they make you feel, you stop and try the next one. Approach this like a study. Only you can take the steps to change your life.

Hey,<br />
I was there. Well, not exactly. It's high school...not quite the same. But I had friends, good friends from kindergarten, and not even that helped the lonliness. I felt like nobody liked me, everybody knew how boring or uncool I was just with one glance. That is NOT possible, I realize that now. But it feels so real. And know this too - if you're like me, all the pep talks and great motivational sayings in the world will not help one bit. <br />
<br />
So...take the chance and see a medical professional. Even if it isn't depression, you have a lot of unexplained anxiety. Like I did. I got help only a month ago...my life has been pretty sweet since, I actually enjoy it and enjoy hanging out with people again.<br />
<br />
I'm living again. I want the same for you!<br />
<br />
Love, Sarah

I know what you mean - I am young, a college student, everything is right with me, and people even consider me very beautiful, but... I just don't behave like your average girl always being out and getting wasted with a bunch of people who I don't know. I'm not really interested in hooking up just for the sake of it either, and I decline almost all advances that guys make on me, ultimately leading to me not going on a date for extended periods of time. <br />
But, I have come to realize that this is all my own choice, and that I know exactly why I behave that way.<br />
The thing is, I have chosen to surround myself and to spend my time exclusively on people that interest me and whom I consider valuable - I don't feel satisfied with interacting with random strangers on a drunken night out. <br />
I have a small number of really good friends, scattered around the places where I have lived, but unfortunately, in the new city where I reside (london) I have only met too few people that I want to be friends with. Many times our schedules are completely different, because none of them studies with me, some of them are older and work, and so on. So there are many evenings when I'm stuck at home, feeling lonely because nobody is available to hang out.<br />
It's frustrating because I feel isolated, but it's an isolation of my own choice. I don't drink, so most people manage to make me REALLY bored on an average night out, to the point, where I would have preferred to stay home and have a skype conversation with one of my dear friends abroad. <br />
<br />
I used to think that it's not completely normal for a young girl to be home on a Saturday night, but after years of behaving this way, I started justifying it with this idea, which I hope you might be able to relate to yourself:<br />
<br />
There is no right or wrong way to live your life. Every person is different and they require different things to make them happy. Knowing what makes you happy, who you truly value and what your goals in life are, is what is important. If you find that you want to live your life in a different way than most other people, than live it that way, don't let yourself be told what's right for you, because living a lie isn't going to help.<br />
<br />
That being said, find out how to alleviate your loneliness without having to compromise on your feelings. If you are scared of people in general, don't hang out with tons of strangers - concentrate on finding friendships with people, who would be willing to open up to you and build trust in those relationships. First try to find what I call "day-time-friendships" that would mean, having people who understand you, have similar interests and can hang out with you during the day, sharing activities, and who don't need to be drunk and out to be hanging out with you.<br />
<br />
After a while, maybe you can hit the clubs and pubs with those people too and when you are in an environment of close friends, you won't be frightened by the other people. So you will have a safe environment to go out in and you will be able to work it from there :)<br />
<br />
I hope that helps. Just don't question whether or not you are normal or not - there is no right and wrong in these things :)<br />
And most importantly - there are always periods in life. You might be in a lonely period, but a different period will sooner or later begin (depends on you and on circumstances which you can't control). In my situation, I just continue to be true to myself, pursue my interests, and patiently wait for life to do what it always does when I go to a new place - take it's time to bring the right type of people to me. Once I establish a circle of good friends, I will do exactly what I suggested you to do - have fun with the correct type of people, who I value.<br />
<br />
Hope that helps!

I know what you mean - I am young, a college student, everything is right with me, and people even consider me very beautiful, but... I just don't behave like your average girl always being out and getting wasted with a bunch of people who I don't know. I'm not really interested in hooking up just for the sake of it either, and I decline almost all advances that guys make on me, ultimately leading to me not going on a date for extended periods of time. <br />
But, I have come to realize that this is all my own choice, and that I know exactly why I behave that way.<br />
The thing is, I have chosen to surround myself and to spend my time exclusively on people that interest me and whom I consider valuable - I don't feel satisfied with interacting with random strangers on a drunken night out. <br />
I have a small number of really good friends, scattered around the places where I have lived, but unfortunately, in the new city where I reside (london) I have only met too few people that I want to be friends with. Many times our schedules are completely different, because none of them studies with me, some of them are older and work, and so on. So there are many evenings when I'm stuck at home, feeling lonely because nobody is available to hang out.<br />
It's frustrating because I feel isolated, but it's an isolation of my own choice. I don't drink, so most people manage to make me REALLY bored on an average night out, to the point, where I would have preferred to stay home and have a skype conversation with one of my dear friends abroad. <br />
<br />
I used to think that it's not completely normal for a young girl to be home on a Saturday night, but after years of behaving this way, I started justifying it with this idea, which I hope you might be able to relate to yourself:<br />
<br />
There is no right or wrong way to live your life. Every person is different and they require different things to make them happy. Knowing what makes you happy, who you truly value and what your goals in life are, is what is important. If you find that you want to live your life in a different way than most other people, than live it that way, don't let yourself be told what's right for you, because living a lie isn't going to help.<br />
<br />
That being said, find out how to alleviate your loneliness without having to compromise on your feelings. If you are scared of people in general, don't hang out with tons of strangers - concentrate on finding friendships with people, who would be willing to open up to you and build trust in those relationships. First try to find what I call "day-time-friendships" that would mean, having people who understand you, have similar interests and can hang out with you during the day, sharing activities, and who don't need to be drunk and out to be hanging out with you.<br />
<br />
After a while, maybe you can hit the clubs and pubs with those people too and when you are in an environment of close friends, you won't be frightened by the other people. So you will have a safe environment to go out in and you will be able to work it from there :)<br />
<br />
I hope that helps. Just don't question whether or not you are normal or not - there is no right and wrong in these things :)<br />
And most importantly - there are always periods in life. You might be in a lonely period, but a different period will sooner or later begin (depends on you and on circumstances which you can't control). In my situation, I just continue to be true to myself, pursue my interests, and patiently wait for life to do what it always does when I go to a new place - take it's time to bring the right type of people to me. Once I establish a circle of good friends, I will do exactly what I suggested you to do - have fun with the correct type of people, who I value.<br />
<br />
Hope that helps!

Well if these 5 pages of responses don't convince u ur not alone I don't know what will..... Anyway I know exactly how you feel. The only reason I actually have friends is because of flat mates and old high school friends who moved to the same city as me and introduced me to their friends and flatmates. I wish I could make friends with some of the people in my class though :( I know a lot of them are interested in the same stuff as me but I just can't make myself talk to them.. :( Even after being in the same classes for a number of years. I makes me sad but I feel lucky that I have the friends I do. I also do not drink much. I hardly ever go out even though my flatmates pester me about getting a new ID constantly so that I can go clubbing with them. I guess I don't really like alcohol very much and I don't really like the clubs either, I can't hear what people say even if they shout in my ear.. I'd much prefer just to sit quietly and talk to someone.... I think people like us don't realize how many other people just like us are out there because our problem prevents us from ever meeting :(

Life is all about taking chances, accepting the fact that we are imperfect people living within an imperfect world. There are going to be awkward and uncomfortable situations at times but we must simply accept this reality, smile, do our best to make the most of of it, and proceed happily forward. Each time we deal with a challenge, the more we learn from the experience and how to handle different situations. The more frequently we do so, the easier it becomes over time. Life is all about learning, mostly the learning about ourselves. Whilst we know we will never be able to please everyone, we must strive to live a good and happy life. The best way of doing this is by being self-sufficient, as relaxed as we can possibly be with who we are as a person, doing our best to be kind, courteous, and polite to others. Simultaneously, whilst we do our best to treat others with kindness, we must also treat ourselves with the same amount of kindness. Avoid situations which are negative or those which create unnecessary drama in life. Make as many friends as you possibly can with good, positive, and upbeat people...people who treat themselves and others respectfully and responsibly. Before too long, you will begin to realise you are comfortably surrounded by others, going out and enjoying life and creating great memories. <br />
<br />
When I was younger, I was painfully shy. Though I am intelligent and physically attractive, I suffered self-esteem issues and an abundance of fear preventing me from going out and experiencing everyday life. Finally, after a few years of struggling to overcome this, I refused to deny myself the opportunities to experience the things I wanted to do and see. I made a bucket list and began my life's journey. Along the way, I have met and befriended many wonderful individuals, some have truly become the greatest blessings in my life. Occasionally, my bucket list is updated, as I mark off events I experience. The experiences and friends I have made over the years have made for an amasing life.<br />
<br />
It all starts with a "hello" and a smile or a handshake, the willingness to strike up a conversation with someone new. Kindness and sincerity bond, solidify, and propel friendships and this leads to many future adventures. Friends also give us someone besides ourselves to think about. I learned early on that not everyone is going to be a good person or a good fit into my life, but we each learn this as time passes. It is important to continually move positively forward, always setting goals you wish to accomplish and doing your best to achieve them. Those goals may consists of everything from friends, experiences, career choices, to whatever your individual desires may be. The most important thing is to enjoy living whilst being a good person. Never allow unnecessary fear to rob you of enjoying life.

if youd like to chat and i can help in any way well my handle is on this post , send me a line and between us maybe we can change things for yougive you a shot in the arm of confidence im a good listener and hope we can get you uot there enjoying your young life blossoming into a confident and centre of attention young woman that everyone wants to b near and included as friends withtake care there princess cause i care

Hmm. It's been almost 2 1/2 years since escritor93 shared her plight with us. Are you there, escritor 93? Are you reading these comments? Well, the comments may help others, so keep 'em coming!

These posts reminded me how I felt when I was in my first year at College. I spent a lot of time feeling lonely and uninvolved. Some people choose to be loners, others do not and are limited by shyness, lack of confidence. Having trained first as a Counsellor and then a Hypnotherapist, I know it is possible to change, to gain confidence and overcome shyness. I believe these problems are related to low self esteem. Some steps that you can take:<br />
<br />
1. You have to decide to overcome it. Take some action, however small.<br />
2. As many others have said, go and talk to someone, a Counsellor for instance.<br />
3. DO something. Go to a club where you can do an activity, be it art, badminton, dance, volunteer. Other people feel shy too! Each day, do something to get out there. Make a plan and do it. And keep going! It will get easier, you have to persevere. <br />
4. You have to stop the negative chatter in your head that is saying 'You can't, you're worthless' etc. If you can't do this on your own, seek help from a professional.<br />
<br />
I run a 3 day training event that is designed to teach people how to use the most powerful computer on the planet: the human brain. I had one client , called Sue, who didn't leave the house for 18 months, due to anxiety, lack of self esteem etc. After the first day she went to a restaurant. On the second day she got on the underground in London and went to Harrods and the theatre! She now is living the life she wanted! You can read her story on my website inspiringchange.co.uk (go to Testimonials) and download a free report 'Six Steps To High Self Esteem'. I offer free taster sessions, which can be done on the phone/skype.<br />
<br />
You can overcome these issues, you need to be determined and in the words of Winston Churchill. He was addressing graduates at a University (Oxford I think). He stood up and delivered the following words, and then sat down!<br />
'Never, never, never, never give up'.<br />
<br />
Simon

You are not alone....I understand your inner turmoil, for as you, I walk in the Valley of the Shadow, also being the light that chases the dark away....For the dark is but a vessel, concealing that which can not be contained....for its out of darkness that one beholds The Light....the Light of Love....truth....and pure Testimony.....the LOVE of such a kind....nothing in all of creation can extinguish this flame once it is kindled....for it is the Desire of the Ages....

its just a confidence issue i think love,when i was 12/13 i KNEW i wasn't liked,this was due to being put in and out of kids homes and foster parents,but one day/night i decided that the only persons opinion of me was mine.after that i made other changes to things around me.before i knew it i was growing in confidence.then at 15 i was a bit naughty and got kicked out of school and was moved to another where i knew no one.that was a very low point,but again i just got on with what made me happy,i wont say on here but if you want to know email me.so please love,it dont matter what anyone else thinks or says or dont say,if you are ok with everything then sod them.loneliness is a state of mind,so i live by 1 motto now "if it feels good,do it"just go out,anywhere it dont matter.i garentee you will start to feel better.take care anywho,cheers,rich.

First of all I want to tell dr, ur not the only one who thinks in that way. Because I also feel the same here. I feel lonly but I really can't go out. Because same as u I also can't tell the reason. I feel like I should have smone to talk or to love, to share the life but I can't. It's really sucking. But I beleive that there is a solution for my problem but I still have the potential to make it a real. I'm sure u also will have some kind of a solution. So never feel isolated. Try to find the solution. There r people around the world who feels the sama as u. All this is because of our karma. So be courageous. May god bless u.

I'm a bi guy with a girls clothes fetish. I couldn't wait to live on my own so I could get dressed up like a women and not get caught. Well I moved on my own and bought lots of nice dresses and other girls clothes, and got all dressed up. Well once the novelty wore off , I found myself still on my own. It had become a way of life for me to be a loner. I am not a mean guy, I just have a fetish. i am slightly turned on by wearing women's clothes. I am trying to something about being alone too. i have joined a few gay groups at my school and now I get dressed up to go to events like gay dances and karaoke, or movie night. My fetish has evolved from my dirty little secret to a nice time with others. I try to get to the gay events at least once a month, and I have met a nice guy. We are going on our first date this Saturday. Maybe it is like that for you too. You may be looking for someone special for you to hang out with. i have found a few people who are like myself and it is nice to be with others who understand. Just don't be too picky, you might find yourself alone again. Good luck, and if you want to wright me I can be a nice friend.

Jesus Christ is a friend that stick closer than a brother! He will never leave you or forsake you. You can get to know him through the Bible... especially the Book of John. If you will accept Jesus as your personal Savior and follow him as your Lord, you will find new HOPE and strength to face each new day! Check out John 3:16... and Romans 10:9-10. Also look at Romans 8:28-29 and verse 38. You can find all kinds of Bible help online... especially at this awesome site: http://www.biblegateway.com/

I have felt like this at times. My suggestion to you would be to get outside of your comfort zone....after all it doesn't sound that comfortable! consider what you have to lose from pushing your boundaries and getting out of that zone- NOTHING! And everything to gain! I think the fear comes from a place of negativity and that will always be there but please please try to realise that there are people out there you can connect with I promise you!

Your request was two and a half years ago, so hopefully you found a solution.<br />
Just in case you've tried all the other suggestions to get out more, join a class, take up religion or whatever as a means of meeting people, you might try accepting and enjoying your solitude.<br />
Create yourself a character and write her story - exactly what she would do in a variety of sexual encounters. Let your fantasy imagination run riot. She need not be constrained by gender or age, and need not have any of your hangups from the real world. There is no need to publish the stories, just write for your own pleasure. If you want other perverts opinions then try xhamster.com.

i'm 17, i totally get it. i'm exactly the same.. but i'm not scared. i'm more-so anti-social hating the world type. there's nothing wrong with you.

i know how that feels and all i can do is to just keep going on alone. even when i dont want to be alone.

I can relate. Im a 21 female in college, and I feel alone too sometimes. If you need someone to talk to you can message me.

As you can tell from the other comments you have received, you are not really alone in how you feel. I still feel alone in many ways at times - even though I am 50 years old and married. Right now I am going through one of those times. It is painful, it is is confusing, and it angers me. It hits every area of my being. At the same time, it makes me want to reach out in any way I can to cure the pain - which is a very vulnerable place to be. You did the brave thing and wrote about it here. That took courage, and shows you are a strong person deep down. Hang on to that strength, and trust it. Know that, because of what you did, you have helped me to hang on to what little strength I feel I have to hold onto right now.

I don't know if you are still reading this after two and a half years but I am pretty much a loner after many attempts to 'join in' to various groups, fellowships etc. which always seem to end the same way. I just CANNOT follow 'leaders' who are ignorant, selfish and stupid even if I feel miserable being an outsider. I have little respect for people who accept the conclusions of someone else's thinking without thinking things through and forming their own conclusions. But no one is an island. I am reconciled to the fact that it is necessary to interact with others even if I find them to be shallow and thoughtless, whether I enjoy this or not and often I do not enjoy it. I am settled on an uneasy compromise. In many things I am a loner by choice but I know that human beings chose civilization as a survival mechanism. One way or another we live together or we die alone. I make the choices necessary for survival. Mere survival in itself is not quite enough but is not a bad start while we look for a more excellent solution. I wish it could be some other way but the world is not yet perfect.

You are quite young and have so much life ahead of you. Do you think your sheltered lifestyle comes from how you were raised? I know that my father didn't really allow us to go out and have fun or meet new people. He was from the south and didn't really trust a fast paced city like nyc. Anyway, it's normal to be afraid of being hurt, especially if you have already been so in the past. Life will always have it's awkward moments, bad dates and fake friends. There is nothing wrong in being cautious. You have to get out there and mingle. There is always someone for you out there. Seriously, there is no need to rush unless you are an alien who needs to find suitible mates to help your planet's population grow. Seriously, live your life without that fear, but always stay cautious and all will be just fine. I too used to be shy and somewhat of a loner. It took me in my 20's before i began coming out of that shell to experience life. Since then, i have been through many things, good and bad......it's just life. Now in my 40's, i am married with three girls and one of them is almost done with college. You will have a great life and one day, when you are my age, you will sit back and think of this message you posted and kind of smile. GOD bless you. Stay safe, stay smart and never change who you are for anyone. That would make you fake and that's never a good thing.